Broken
by thedarkpassenger85
Summary: After their last sexual encounter Maura and Jane start thinking about the past few months, what they lost and gained.MATURE READERS ONLY SENSITIVE SUBJECTS!LAST CHAPTER IS UP!
1. Chapter 1

**Alright guys, I'm warning you this story is dark. Darker then what I wrote before. Some of you complained that I always hurt Maura, so now I'm hurting Jane, and I feel terrible about it.**

**Chapter one:**

**Safe:**

"How is she?" Maura immediately asked as soon as she arrived in front Jane's room.

"She's still sedated." Frost replied.

"Is that the Doctor's report?" Maura asked pointing the file Korsak had in his hands.

"You shouldn't read it, we had to for the investigation but I wish I hadn't. After 30 years on the job I never …."

"Just give me the damn report." Maura ordered grabbing it from his hands.

_"The Patient was brought by her parter Detective Frost at 11 pm. She was found in an alley next to the police station, wandering without any clothes. After examination which happened while the patient was completely sedated bruises around her wrists and ankles were discovered which seem to indicate that the patient was restrained for an extensive period of time. She suffered from 6 fractured ribs, her left cheek bones was broken as well . After a giving the patient an ultrasound, and a CT , it was determined that there was no sign of internal bleeding in the brain or to the abdomen region where the patient suffered broken ribs. Several lacerations probably made with a broken bottle and at different stages of healing are present on the patient's back, stomach and inner thighs…_" Maura started to whispered .

As she was reading the report her heart stopped beating, she started to visualize every injury described, she could hear Jane calling for her, begging the man to stop. Maura knew that after 3 weeks the chances of Jane being found safe and without a scratch was next to none. As a medical examiner she knew that the longer a victim was held captive the more extended the injuries would be.

" I think it's enough." Korsak objected as she could see that Maura was almost at the most terrifying part of the report.

"Don't you dare ." Maura groaned determined to read the rest.

_"After examination of the patient's pelvic region, it was determined that she was repeatedly raped with different objects . Swaps were sent to the lab for analysis. Pregnancy and rapid IVH and standards IST tests were also performed."_

"Oh God." Maura let out trying to lean on the wall with her hand feeling her legs abandoning her, as if the ground was opening below her.

"I got you." Frost replied grabbing her and helping her sitting down.

"Jane…." Maura mumbled tears running on her cheeks.

"She's going to be alright. She's safe now . I promise that we're going to catch the bastard who did that to her and that he's going to pay."

"She needs me." Maura strongly affirmed as she stood up and wiped the tears of her face.

"She's still sedated. "

"But she's going to need me soon. Please call go to her parents' house and reassure them without giving too much details. As much as I love Angela the last thing Jane needs is her mother barging here, hysterical." Maura instructed.

"I agree. Come here." Frost said pulling Maura against her.

As she felt her friend's strong arms around her Maura let go of all the pain and anger she had been accumulating over the past 3 weeks. She knew that once she entered that room she had to be strong for Jane, so she let herself go in Frost's arms.

"Thank you Barry." Maura replied before wiping the tears of her face.

"You're welcome, we're here for you, both of you, but ultimately you're the only one she's gonna want next to her."

"I hope she will. Thank you again, now go notify her parents."

"Yes Ma'am. Two officers will stay here until she released don't worry." Frost replied before leaving the hospital with Korsak.

When Maura entered the room, Jane was lying on her side crawled in fetal position, sobbing and shivering.

Maura knew she would still be under the effect of the sedation for a while and was grateful that Jane was able to catch a break and sleep, because she knew that once she woke up it would hurt like hell both psychologically and physically.

So she sat on a chair next to her best friend holding her breath, scared that she might wake her up.

Over the past 3 weeks the team did their best to find Jane, unsuccessfully. Maura barely slept, every time she closed her eyes, she could see Jane,the pain and terror in her eyes. She could hear her screams for mercy and for help. Maura was a scientist and she never believed in paranormal phenomenon and she certainly didn't believe in psychic connection. But what she experienced during those 3 weeks was quite intense. Jane and her always had a powerful bound, a relationship that no one could really understand, including themselves. All they knew was it was way stronger then friendship. When Jane was taken , the connection wasn't broken, Maura felt like someone who was amputated of an arm or a leg but who could still feel it. She could still feel Jane's presence if she was right next to her. Secretly Maura was hoping that Jane was still able to feel her as deeply and strongly as she did. She was hoping that Jane could hear her talking to her at night when nobody was listening, promising her that she would find her, asking her to hang on a little longer.

As she was observing Jane sleeping Maura was trying to figure out how she could help her. They were close, like sisters or conjoint twins and Frost was right, she knew she would probably be the only person that Jane would allow next to her. She knew that Jane was probably to reject everyone she knew, including her friends or family, but she was hoping she wouldn't reject her. She didn't know how she was going to help her recover from this or if it was even possible, but she knew that she would do everything in her power to help her even if right now the only thing she could do was sitting next to her and waiting, hoping that her presence would bring some comfort to Jane.

**I know this story is dark….I think I'm more talented writing dark stories..This one will focus on Jane's painful recovery. of course it won't be easy, she's going to reject Maura at first…It's going to be a long and painful journey. At some point the guy who did that to her might be found and there might be a trial, I don't know yet. All I can tell you is this story is going deep into Jane's psychology including flash back and nightmares…**


	2. Soulless

**Thank you guys for all the reviews on the first chapter, I was a bit afraid of your reaction, stories like this are quite common for SVU but I never read on for rizzoli and isles ...thank you!**

**Chapter two:**

**Soulless:**

About an hour later Jane slowly woke up. She was still on her side, turning her back on Maura but she could feel her behind her looking out for her as a guardian angel. Maura immediately noticed that Jane was breathing faster, so she knew she was awake, so she made her way to the other side of the bed knowing that because the injuries she suffered were less important on her left side she would feel comfortable staying in that position.

"Hey sweetie, how are you feeling?" Maura asked in the most quiet and reassuring way possible holding her hand.

As she was holding her hand she noticed that her nails were broken and that she had cuts on both her hands. She put on some hell of a fight.

Jane didn't replied, instead she quickly withdraw her hand and buried herself in her pillow , pulling the blanket over her head, refusing to establish visual contact with Maura.

For a brief moment though, their eyes met and Maura saw all the terror, sadness and pain in her best friend's eyes. People say the eyes are the mirror of someone's soul, well looking into Jane's eyes Maura felt she came back from the hell she was put through completely soulless.

She knew Jane went through an abduction before but what Hoyt did to her was nothing compared to what this monster did to her this time.

Maura has never been comfortable talking or socializing with other living human being, but with Jane it was different, they knew each other, they were like the two faces of a same coin. They knew each other to a level that was almost symbiotic, they always knew how to behave with each other or what to say. Maura just needed to follow her instinct on this, she could help her, she knew she could.

"It's ok sweetie, I'm here for you, you don't need to talk, I will wait until you're ready. I'm not leaving you." Maura sighed watching her best friend petrified under that blanket .

So Maura sat there, not expecting Jane to came out or to talk to her, but determined to show her presence and support. She knew that the last thing Jane needed was to be pushed or forced to do things she wasn't ready for.

About an hour later, Angela and Frank finally arrived at the hospital, not willing to disturb Jane Angela was frenetically waving at Maura through the open door trying to catch her attention.

"Angela." Maura whispered as she finally noticed her.

"How is she?" Angela asked not really ready to hear Maura's answer.

"She's safe, but she's catatonic. It's going to take her time to recover, but she's not alone. I'm here for her Angela, I won't leave her side until she's fully recovered." Maura explained closing the door behind her.

"That could take years, look at her , I can see her trembling from where I'm standing." Angela sobbed her hands covering her face.

"Well if it takes years, I will stay with her as long as she needs me. As soon as she's discharged I'm going to take her home with me, if that's ok with you."

"You don't have to do that Maura."

"I don't, but I want to, she's my family . Would you like to see her?"

"Of course." Angela replied using her sleeve to wipe the tears or her face.

"Just try to talk to her, don't be offended if she rejects you." Maura said opening the door.

"Thank you. Maura, I don't know if we ever told you but you're family."

"I know."

So Maura watched Angela trying to reach out to her daughter, feeling as powerless as her. She watched her sitting next to Jane trying to talk to her, but Jane still wouldn't come out.

3 days passed and Jane was still silent, refusing to eat, so Maura had to ask the Doctor to prescribe nutritional perfusions.

Maura only left her side when a friend or family would come to visit. She would just stay outside to give then some privacy and took the opportunity to stretch her legs .

Jane still refused to talk to her family, but her family needed to visit her, to show her their support, to talk to her even if it was only for a few minutes.

A few minutes was only what Jane could handle, after that she started to be agitated and to mumbled inaudible things. It seems that she could only tolerate Maura's presence. So Maura stayed with her. At first she expected Angela to be a little hurt by Jane's behavior, but she wasn't. She wanted what was best for her daughter, and right now, as always it was Maura. Far from being hurt or jealous Angela started to take care of Maura, bringing her home cooked meals, fresh set of clothes, so she could change and take a shower in Jane's bathroom when she was asleep. The entire Rizzoli clan along with the entire Boston PD was supporting Maura and Jane and were still looking for the monster who did that to her.

On the forth day :

"How is he?" Dr Kovac asked as she entered the room.

"She still refuses to talk to me or to her parents. She just needs time."

"Well, I would need to examine her wounds to see if there are any signs of infections. Jane, I'm Dr Kovac, remember I took care of you when you arrived. " The tall Doctor said before gently trying to uncover Jane's head.

"No, please don't hurt me," Jane grunted pulling the blanket back over her head crawling back in fetal position.

The young Doctor who only had good intentions, was unfortunately not used to treat patients who went through such trauma.

"It's ok Jane, I'm here to help you." He insisted trying to pull the cover down one more time.

"Nooooooooo, Maura don't let him hurt me please, please." Jane begged her entire body shaking making the entire bed move.

"Stop, you're scaring her." Maura intervened seeing how terrorized Jane was.

"I just want to help her, I need to see if her wounds are infected."

"Let me take care of that. Now back off." Maura ordered grabbing his arms.

"I don't know what I think you're doing Dr Isles, but it's not in Jane's best interest."

"You don't have a clue of what's in her best interest, the last thing she needs is a man touching her. I will take it from here. From now on I'm her physician ."

"You can not do that she's my patient."

"And she's my family, I will do everything I judge necessary to protect and help her, even if it means making a few phone calls upstairs." Maura threatened looking at him straight in the eyes not willing to let this go.

"Alright, but if you want her, you're going to have to take her home with you."

"That won't be an issue, I'm perfectly capable of being her primary care taker, please prepare the papers."

"Alright." He nodded walking towards the door, his tale between his legs.

"Im going to take you home sweetie, I promise you're going to be okay, I'm going to take good care of you." Maura promised sitting on the edge of Jane's bed.

"Thank you." Jane muttered lowering the blanket.

"You're welcome, I meant what I said, you're my family. You do what ever it takes to protect family." Maura smiled happy that Jane understood her intention.

Looking straight into Maura's eyes and seeing that she fought like a tiger to protect her from this horrible man who wanted to touch her Jane started to relax.

She was still in fetal position but she wasn't trying to cover her face anymore.

Maura sat there unable to keep her eyes off her, seeing that Jane wasn't a trying to hide anymore was a good sign.

Maura knew the way to recovery, both psychologically and physically would be long and painful but Jane was the most important person in her life and she was willing to take her time .

So Maura waited for the Doctor to bring her Jane's discharge papers, she didn't know if bringing Jane home with her was the best solution, but it was the only solution, she couldn't stay in that cold hospital another day. Jane needed to be in a familiar place where she felt comfortable with someone she trusted and who wouldn't overwhelm or push her to make progress she wasn't ready for.

**So guys , what do you think?I know it's a transitional chapter, soon Jane will go home with Maura and the serious stuff will happen : nightmare...**

**As always please review!You guys rock and don't forget to watch Sasha's movie tonight!**


	3. Nightmares

**Chapters 3:**

** Nightmares : **

After leaving the hospital as discretely as possible to avoid the journalists Maura took Jane to her house, where Angela had already brought some of her things, clothes, some books, some cds and Joe Friday as well. She knew that Jane loved her dog and animal contact might be therapeutic for her. Maura was determined to help Jane through the physical and psychological recovery, no matter how long that would take, so she thought it would be more practical to have Jane move in with her.

"I see your mother let you a change of clothes in the bathroom, she really knows you well, she figured you would like to take a bath." Maura smiled as they stopped in front on the bathroom."I will leave you alone , call me if you need anything, please don't lock yourself, don' t worry I won't come in unannounced " Maura requested as she left Jane in the bathroom.

After leaving Jane in the bathroom Maura went to her guest room who was just next to hers to see if she needed anything, but Angela had already brought Jane's clothes and personal effect and had changed the shits.

After half an hour, not hearing any sign of activity inside the bathroom Maura started to worry. She didn't think of checking the bathroom for sharp object like razor blades, not that she thought Jane would take her own life but still...

"Can I come in?" She shyly asked through the door.

Not receiving any answer, she slowly opened the door giving time to Jane to cover herself up if needed.

When she finally entered the bathroom, Jane was sitting the the marble floor her legs lift up and arms wrapped around them rocking back and forth.

"Oh sweetie, I'm sorry was the water too hot?I bought a new boiler and it works too well and didn't have time to call the plumber, I'm sorry." Maura asked kneeling next to her.

Jane didn't reply, she simply buried her head between her legs.

"Jane, you need to take a bath, I promise you're going to feel much better." Maura said approaching her hand towards Jane's shoulder.

"No." Jane replied shaking and looking at Maura as if she was going to hurt her for not obeying her.

Realizing she might have been a little too directive with her Maura knew she needed to readjust the tone of her voice.

"Alright sweetie, I'm sorry, I won't force you to do anything you don't want to do, I promise. Jane look at me. I love you, maybe I have never said those words before, but I do, you're everything to me. I will never force you to do anything you don't want to do or things you're not ready for. Alright?" Maura promised in a lower and more reassuring voice, gently sweeping hair from Jane's face so she could see in her eyes that she meant every word.

Again Jane didn't replied, instead she buried her head between her legs and continued to rock and and forth.

"I'm going to leave you by yourself, call me if you need anything." Maura whispered as she kissed the back of her head .

As she stood up she caught a glimpse at one of Jane's injuries that was visible just below the back of her neck.

God knew that Maura had seen horrible things in her career, but she didn't know if she would be able to handle seeing Jane's injuries. Unfortunately she knew that , at some point she would have to change her bandages and apply cream on her wounds to help the scaring. She knew Jane wouldn't her let her touch her that easily, but she was willing to take as much time as she needed.

After Maura left it took Jane a few minute to finally have the strength and desire to stand up.

She leaned over to start the water trying not to make it too hot.

Then she painfully took off her long sleeve top. Lifting her arms was painful because off the broken ribs so she tried to do it as slowly as possible.

She then slid inside the bathtub and lied there for a while looking at the wounded body. She knew applying soap on her skin would be painful, that it would probably burn but she realized that she really smelt bad and didn't want to impose that to Maura. So she grabbed the soap that her mom had brought and gently started to rub her knees and then her arms before gently stroking her torso. Afterwards she just grabbed the shower head and started the water as cold as possible. Feeling the cold water streaming down her skin was liberating for her but she knew that no matter how hard she scrubbed she would never be able to get rid of his smell and the feeling of his hands on her.

About an hour later, Jane finally came out of the bathroom, with new clothes on her and visibly cleaner.

Maura was sitting at her desk in her bedroom who was right opposite the bathroom and had left the door opened in case Jane needed her.

When Jane came out Maura immediately noticed the difference.

"You certainly smell better." Maura smile trying to steal even a little smirk from her best friend.

Again, She didn't reply, she merely shrugged her shoulders.

Angela had chosen what she thought were the most appropriate clothes from Jane's apartment : long sleeves that would hides the defensive wounds on her arms and large trousers so she could be comfortable.

As Jane was slowly moving towards her Maura didn't move, she didn't know if Jane needed something or if she just wanted to show her she took a bath.

As Jane's walked passed Maura and their eyes crossed paths Jane quickly put her hand on her shoulder. The sudden display of affection or even gratitude moved Maura deeper then she could have expected it. As she felt Jane's hand on her skin, she quickly closed her eyes and felt shivers down her spine. It was maybe a small gesture, but to Maura it meant a lot, it meant that Jane was receptive to what she was saying to her and that she somehow trusted her. For Jane it was also important, she couldn't speak, she wasn't ready yet, but she knew that by that small gesture Maura would understand how grateful she was and that she did, indeed trust her.

After that small but important display of affection who lasted for about a second Jane instinctively walked towards Maura's bed, crawled under the blankets and settled in her usual fetal position.

Maura who had already prepared the guest room for her, was a bit surprised at first but then understood that Jane might just need to be in her bed, to smell her perfume to feel safe.

"You're right, it's late, I will take the guest room don't worry. Sleep well. Call me if you need anything." Maura offered as she stood up ready to move towards the door.

"No, stay." Jane asked in a low trembling voice.

"You want me to sleep with you?" Maura asked confused.

"Yes." Jane nodded shaking her head.

"Alright."

So Maura slowly and carefully slid under the blankets trying not to touch Jane who was at the other side of her double bed.

She didn't turn off the small lamp that was on her night table, knowing that Jane would probably panic if she was forced to sleep in the dark.

To Maura's big surprise Jane slowly closed her eyes, and fell quickly asleep. She felt safe in her best friend's bed, with her at her side, safe for the first time in weeks.

Maura didn't sleep right away , she wanted to be sure Jane was comfortably and deeply asleep first. Around midnight, she feel asleep, exhausted by the nights she spent at her bedside without sleeping.

A few hours later Maura was woken up by murmurs next to her, Jane was obviously having a bad dream. She was agitated, sweating, crying and even if she was whispering Maura could hear she was asking for mercy.

_"Come on tiger fight, because in a few minutes with the cocktail I just gave you, you won't be able to resist me , but don't worry you'll stay councious, we don't want you to miss all the fun do we?"_

"Sweetie, wake up, you're heaving a bad dream." Maura said her hand on Jane's shoulder.

At that precise moment when she felt Maura's hand on her, Jane suddenly woke up and violently pushed Maura away, which caused her to almost fall of bed.

"Noooooooooo, Don't touch me." Jane pleaded as she violently pushed her best friend away before jumping out of bed.

In fact she pushed her so hard that Maura's head hit the head board of the bed, so hard that it took her about a minute to put herself together.

When she finally opened her eyes Jane was on the floor crawled in a ball, still mumbling , begging for mercy.

"Oh Jane it's ok, you're safe." Maura said jumping out of bed to check on her.

When she reached down to her, Jane's entire body was shaking, she was sweating and she face was drowned in tears.

"I'm here sweetie, you're safe, I'm going to protect you, even if that's the last thing I do, I promise." Maura said picking Jane up and pulling her against her.

This time Jane didn't fight or complained, she didn't have to strength for that, so she surrounded to Maura's warm embrace burying herself in her arms, her ear on her chest closed to her heart. She could hear her heart beats and somehow it's reassured and calmed her down, and she fell asleep.

Not willing to disturb her Maura grabbed the blanket from her bed and delicately covered them .

Maura didn't sleep for the rest of the night, she was afraid that Jane would have another nightmare, and she wanted to be awake and alert if it happened.

She knew that vivid flash backs and nightmares were part of any PTSD and that for now there was nothing to do to keep Jane from having them. She just needed to here for her and to be strong for both of them.

**What did you think?Don't worry I'm going to describe what Jane went through soon, she won't talk to Maura anytime soon but I think I have found the perfect way for her to express herself so I can tell you guys :)**

**As always reviews are welcome...**


	4. Trying

**Chapter 4 :**

**Trying : **

The next morning Jane woke up with the sun on her face. For the first time in weeks she actually slept quite well. When she opened her eyes she was lying on the floor her head resting on Maura's lap.

"Good morning, how are you feeling today?" Maura asked looking down at Jane expecting her to panic like she did last night when she tried to establish physical contact with her.

But she didn't panic, instead she just sighed and slowly sat up next to Maura.

"I'm sorry." Jane whispered.

"Don't be, this carpet is thick, it was actually quite comfortable." Maura replied closing the book she had in her hands.

"You didn't sleep and I hurt you, I'm sorry." Jane said cupping Maura's face with her hand realizing how hard she hit her.

"I didn't planned on sleeping anyway don't worry, and about that , it doesn't hurt. You just pushed me a bit don't worry about it. "

"I did more then pushing you a little, you have a bruise on your cheek , I did that to you."

"You were having a bad dream and I tried to wake you up, it was a bad judgement call from my part."

Actually Maura was in pain, Jane had hit her so hard that the back of her head was painful, and her cheek bone was swollen, but she didn't want Jane to feel worse then she already did.

"I'm so sorry Maura, I just… I'm so sorry I should just go, I'm going to hurt you again." Jane said storming out of Maura's bedroom.

"Jane…Well done Maura she just started to speak and you pushed her." Maura said to herself.

So Maura painfully stood up and followed Jane into the kitchen where she found Jane petting Joe.

"She really missed you…" Maura said marveling at Jane playing with her beloved dog.

"I missed her too. I missed Bass as well, I think, but not as much as I missed you." Jane confessed sitting at the table.

"I missed you too ." Maura replied a tear at the corner of her eye.

Seeing Jane sitting at her kitchen table was so natural, they used to have breakfast together several times a week before. This time it was special , it was the first time since Jane has been kidnapped. For 3 weeks Maura would sit at the table looking at Jane's empty chair praying that she was still alive, unable to eat. During those weeks Maura lost sleep and desire to eat or to even function normally, she lived and breathed only by the hope of seeing Jane again. She knew she needed to hang on for Jane, she knew she would need her when she comes back and that she would need to be strong for both of them if she wanted to help her.

"Can you please take me home?"

"Oh Jane, what happened last night was an accident alright?You slept peacefully the rest of the night."

"That's because you were holding me tight against you, I think hearing your heart beats helped me, it's stupid."

"Jane, look at me, it's not stupid, if all it takes for you to sleep peacefully is to do so with your head on my chest listening to my heart beats then that's what we're going to do every single night until you don't need it anymore." Maura said holding Jane's hands rubbing the top with her thumbs.

" I might hurt you again. I know the nightmares will come back even if you hold me. I feel like a retarded time bomb and I don't know when or how I'm going to explode."

"Don't worry about it, it might take some time to chase the bad dreams away but I'm willing to hold you as tight and as long as necessary every night and to talk to you to sleep if that's what you need. Please just give this a try."

"Alright Dr Isles but if I hurt you another time I'm out of here."

" Alright Detective, you got yourself a deal. So what would you like for breakfast? It seems like your mother left us with enough home cooked meals for at least a week. Would you like some pie?"

"Yes please."

"It looks very yummy." Maura smiled serving her a slide, happy that she finally accepted to eat something.

So Maura and Jane had their breakfast in silence, Maura had a lot to talk about but she was so happy that Jane was finally eating and she didn't want to ruin that.

After breakfast though she decided that she had to have a serious talk with Jane and tried to be as delicate as possible.

"So Jane, I need to talk to you about a few things, you don't have to answer if you don't want to but It's important." Maura said holding her breath expecting Jane to storm out the kitchen.

"OK." Jane nodded.

"So, now that you're not at the hospital anymore you can't take your medication via perfusion, so here's some pills the Doctor prescribed." Maura said grabbing her purse and pulling out a few boxes.

"No, I can take the pain. " Jane groaned pushing the medication away.

"Jane please, I know you're strong but those will keep you from suffering. I know you don't like the idea of being on pain killers, but if you don't take those pill the pain is going to wake up soon."

"I don't care . I spent the last 3 weeks drugged and barely conscious . " Jane grunted crossing her arms on her chest.

" I know, But I do care about you, please, do this for me, I don't want to see you suffer more then necessary. I promise , I will keep you on a low dosage so you don't feel dizzy or tired ."

"Can you do that?"

"Of course I can, I'm your Doctor, the ideal would be to give you a higher dosage, but it would probably knock you out . So I can manage to give you a dosage that will minimize the pain while minimizing the sides effects." Maura offered trying to find a compromise. She certainly understood Jane's refusal to be knocked out by pain kills but she wasn't willing to see her hurt.

"Thank you. I'm sorry for being such a burden."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have been hard on you, I just want you to feel better physically. I know that it's going to take time for you to heal psychologically and I'm not even sure I'm helping you on that matter but I can help you to get better physically, let me do that for you."

"You're helping."

"Thank you, you're not a burden, and you're not going anywhere, as I told your mother you're staying with me until you're fully recovered, no matter how long it takes." Maura affirmed trying to make it clear to Jane that she wasn't quitting on her that easily.

"It might take forever."

"Then you and I will be too old ladies living together in our big house with a tortoise and a small dog, not a bad vision at all." Maura smiled.

Jane didn't want to be a burden, she never like being dependent on anybody, lucky for her she was rarely sick. But this time it was different, she could barely stand up or walk properly she needed help and the only help she was willing to accept was Maura's. She loved her family but they were overwhelming, especially her mother. Maura was more able to show restrain and to leave her alone when needed, and she trusted her and she wasn't ashamed or embarrassed in front of her, probably because she was a woman. She didn't want to see the guys because they would see and treat her differently, like a woman, a weak and feeble woman who wasn't able to defend herself. It took her years to be accepted as a female detective and for the guys to trust her in dangerous situations, now everything was ruined, there was no way she could even be seen as a strong person anymore.

"Alright, happy?" Jane replied taking the pills Maura had in her hands and swallowing them along with a sip of orange juice.

Jane didn't want to take those pills, she did it for Maura. She couldn't stand seeing her hurt like that. Observing Maura she could see that she lost weight, that she probably barely slept and that she was a nervous wreck. Being kidnapped not only hurt her, it hurt her best friend and she hated seeing her in such pain because of her. So she took the pill knowing it would help Maura feel better.

"Yes, thank you."

"So what is the other thing you want to talk to me about?"

"Well, it's been 5 days Jane and I would really need to check your wounds to see if there is no signs of infection and I need to apply cream to avoid bad scaring."

"No!" Jane yelled rushing out off the room.

"Alright Maura you really need to work on your diplomacy." Maura said to herself.

Maura didn't went after Jane for a while, she knew she needed time to think and to breath.

Jane sat on Maura's bed for a while thinking there was no way that she would let Maura see her wounds. She knew it would break her heart to see what that monster did to you.

After about half an hour Maura decided to go check on Jane, hoping she had calm down.

"May I come in?" Maura shyly asks standing in front of her bedroom door.

"It's your house." Jane groaned.

"No, it's our house now. Look I'm sorry, you know I'm not the most diplomatic person on earth, but you know me, I only want to help you."

"I know." Jane sighed who was sitting on Maura's bed.

"I know that you don't want me to see what that monster did to you, but you have to, it's for you own good. If you don't want me to see it, I can hire a nurse."

"No, I don't want some stranger to touch me. But I don't want you to see how weak I was. I couldn't stop him Maura, I'm a trained cop and I couldn't stop him." Jane rasped her fists closed holding her tears.

"Shhhh, it's okay Jane, just let it go, you're not weak, you're the strongest person I know. You fought like a tiger to survive, a lot of people would have given up, but you didn't. He sedated you but you fought back Jane and you survived. I think mental strength is far more admirable then physical strength."

"Maybe. Just give me the cream, I 'll manage to apply it by myself."

"Jane, please…There is no way you can reach every single wound, especially with broken ribs, lifting your arms must be painful."

"I know, please don't make me do this, I checked they're not infected, please don't make me." Jane begged her legs lifted up her chest her arms around them.

"No, I won't make you, I will increase your antibiotics dosage and I will give you the cream, until you're ready to let me do it." Maura said knowing that pushing her wouldn't help. Jane needed to do this on her own terms.

"Thank you." Jane replied trying to calm herself down.

Maura and Jane spent the morning in bed Maura reading in silent with Joe between them while Jane was writing down something. Maura didn't intrude, she figured she was writing her statement.

Jane felt a bit better, more relaxed then she was when they arrived the night before.

She knew that Maura was right , that she would have to show her wounds at some point. It hurt, especially the one in her back, they weren't infected, but Jane knew she would needed cream on them, she didn't mind the scars on her hands, but she sure didn't want to have scars on her back, chest and belly. But she wasn't ready to reveal them to Maura, first because she didn't want to see how weak she was, unable to defend herself and also because she didn't want Maura to feel guilty. She knew that Maura, Korsak and Frost probably felt guilty not being able to save her earlier. Maura was a genius and she knew she was probably beating herself up not being able to find her, and she didn't want her to feel more guilty seeing what he did to her.

"I think I'm done with my statement, will you give it to Frost please?" Jane asked handing the note pad to Maura.

"Hum, yes sure. Are you alright?" Maura asked knowing that remembering must have been excruciating for her.

"I guess, please don't read it, I mean you read the Doctor's report, it's enough, please…"

"I promise I won't read it if you don't want me to. You know you can trust me right?"

" I know, Can I ask you another favor?" Jane suddenly asked.

"You can ask me anything." Maura replied turning her head .

"Thank you. Well, I don't want to see anybody, not yet, not the guys, not my parents. I know it's selfish but I don't want them to see me like that."

"It's not selfish, you don't want them to be hurt by seeing you, I understand, I will give them daily news, don't worry. I'm flattered you accept me though." Maura smiled.

"It's not the same, you're….you know…" Jane mumbled unable to put words on how she felt and what Maura meant to her.

"I know." Maura nodded her hand covering Jane's.

So Maura put Jane's report aside. She wanted to read it, but she promised Jane, so she would have to wait until she was ready to tell her. She read the Doctor's report but she knew it only described the physical injuries she sustained but it didn't described what she went through, even if as an ME she had a small idea. She knew Jane was trying to spare her feelings by asking her not to read it and she was grateful for it, but she wanted to know. How could she help her if she didn't know what happened to her?As painful as if was going to be when Jane would be ready she would have to be strong and listen to her.

**So guys, what do you think? Jane is starting to talk…not about what happened, but she's talking. I didn't want her to talk so soon, but to be realistic I knew that for the investigation Korsak and Frost would need her statement.**

**For those who asked, it's possible that Jane will seek professional help, but I'm not sure it's going to work out. I know Maura isn't a psychiatrist but she can help her...**

**As always review for more!You guys rock!This story isn't easy to write but you encourage me and it means the world to me!**

**Next chapter : Jane will open up a bit, and Angela is going to visit and Maura will confess something to her.(Might be in two separate chapters don't know yet.**


	5. Feelings

**Chapter 5 :**

**Feelings:**

Maura and Jane spent the rest of the morning in bed, cuddling, Maura lying on her back and Jane curled in fetal position, her head resting on Maura' s chest and her arm across her belly.

Being so close to Jane again was something Maura treasured. She tried to hide her happiness because it was inappropriate but she really enjoyed having Jane home with her. It was different then before though. Jane and Maura occasionally slept in the same bed but never that close to each other. They were literally glued together like conjoint twins. Holding Jane in her arms like that Maura felt something she never felt before : it was a mix between contentment and excitement.

Feeling Jane' s breath on her chest Maura felt shivers running through her spine. She didn't know how to explain it, or she didn't want to, it wasn't appropriate for her to think about this now. The priority was to help Jane and having those intense feelings for her weren't helping her at all, especially if she found her, it would probably scare her off.

"I'm sorry about those two officers in front of your house." Jane said listening to Maura's heart beats wandering her fingers on Maura's arm.

Listening to Maura's heart almost had an hypnotic effect on Jane, it calmed her down and help her relax and focus on Maura and not on her dark memories.

"Don't apologize, they're here to protect you." Maura replied stroking Jane's hair with her fingers.

"I know, but I'm not sure your neighbors appreciate their presence."

"I do not care about what my uptight neighbors think, now that you mention it I also decided to upgrade my security system. A specialist will be coming tomorrow, don't worry, an officer will stay with him the entire time he's in the house and Frost already ran a background check on him and the company."

"You're in danger. As long as I'm here I'm putting you in danger." Jane said hating putting her best friend in such danger.

"No you're not, nothing is going to happen to us. If he tries to approach the house he will be arrested, or killed, I can promise you that. But I'm not sure he's stupid enough to come after you again. He knows you can't identify him , can you?"

"No, I…I….don't really remember his face, I was stoned the entire time. I don't even remember how I escaped or where I escaped from. Oh Maura, how can I have forgotten that but I can still remember every single thing he did to me. I remember his smell, his hands on me, his…inside of me. Oh Maura, why can't I forget that?" Jane asked bursting in tears.

"Shhhh, it's ok Jane, just let it go. I'm here, I promise. He can't hurt you again." Maura whispered holding Jane as close as she could, trying to hold her tears.

She tried to make Jane stop crying but she couldn't she was shaking, sweating, like if she was physically reliving what had happened to her.

As horrible as this may sound Maura knew that Jane needed to go through the pain to heal. She knew that she couldn't keep those emotions and what happened to her for herself for ever, that at some point she would need to express them and that if she kept it inside she would just die.

Listening to Jane talking about her abuser was painful for Maura, she couldn't help but picturing Jane being tortured and raped. She had to fight very hard not to burst in tears herself, but she couldn't. Jane needed her to be strong, she knew that if she showed her how much hearing about her abuse affected her Jane wouldn't talk about it anymore, trying to spare her. Maura knew that she needed to think about Jane's feelings and that she had to put her own aside if she wanted to help her.

Unfortunately it was killing her. Picturing that monster on top of her, forcing himself into her was more then she was able to handle, but she had to.

After a while Jane finally calmed down, being in Maura's arms was reassuring, it became her safe place.

"Promise me you won't leave me." Jane begged wiping the tears off her face with the back of her sleeve.

Maura was split between being flattered and touched that Jane was asking her to help her and being disturbed. Yes it was a good thing that Jane was asking for help, but Maura wasn't a trained psychologist, she didn't have the skills or the training to give Jane the professional help that she needed. She wanted to believe that her love and support would be enough but someone who had been through such a terrible tragedy needed professional help.

"Of course not. I'm staying here with you I promise." Maura said looking deeply into her friend's eyes.

At that precise moment as Maura and Jane looked deeply into each other's eyes something happened. Jane had a flash, a vision like if she could see right through Maura just by looking into her big brown eyes.

"Wait a minute." Jane said sitting up narrowing her eye brows.

"What?" Maura said a bit panicked.

"That look on your face." Jane mumbled horrified.

"Jane, what ever you think you saw in my eyes we can talk about it." Maura quietly offered knowing that Jane had figured things out.

"When you brought me home you said that you loved me.." Jane said starting to put the pieces together.

"I remember."

"Then you said that I meant everything to you, what did you mean by that? Tell me the truth. I want to know." Jane demanding rising her voice feeling somehow betrayed that Maura didn't share her feelings before.

"Jane, please calm down and we're going to talk about this." Maura said trying to reach out to her.

"Do not touch me." Jane hollered before jumping out of bed.

Jane felt her pulse rising and her heart hammering in her chest. She couldn't breath, she could only think about those hours she spent in bed cuddling with her.

"I'm sorry Jane, I never wanted you to feel betrayed. I wanted to tell you, but I didn't want to push it. My priority is your recovery, I didn't want to bother you with my feelings."

"So you have feelings for me?" Jane asked walking in circles in Maura's room like an animal in a cage.

"You still don't know it by now? I meant what I said you mean everything to me. When you were taken I thought I wouldn't survive it. I barely slept or ate, I wasn't myself without you. Actually I'm never myself when you're not around. When I told you that I would be happy to have you here with me until we're old I meant it . I just hope that by then you'll be more then my best friend or my patient."

"This isn't happening, not now, I can't do this." Jane kept on repeating breathing heavily her heart still beating fast.

" But we have all the time in the world to think about that. It's just that almost loosing you made me realized how I felt about you." Maura admitted slowly getting out off bed.

"I can't do that, I'm sorry."

"I understand if you don't share the same feelings."

"Of course I do share your feelings, you're the only reason why I survived. Every time I wanted to give up I just closed my eyes and imagine your smile and your voice. You're what kept me alive. I just can't be with you. You deserve better." Jane said turning her back on Maura.

"Don't say that." Maura said gently approaching her hand towards Jane's back hoping that she wouldn't freak out and hit her again.

"I'm broken, can't you see it. I almost shit my pants every time you sneeze or when I hear a noise, I can barely sleep without having vivid nightmares not to mention my body is covered with scars."

"But you're still you and I love you Jane, I will wait until you're ready for us,if it takes ten years then I'll wait a decade. But you can't make me stop loving you. Don't push me away please. I won't survive loosing you a second time." Maura asked wrapping her arms around Jane's waist resting her forehead on her back.

"Maura…" Jane murmured feeling Maura's warm breath on her neck.

The two women spent some time standing until Maura gently convinced her to go back to bed. This time Jane stayed away from her, avoiding physical contact.

"I know that I will never fully recover from this, look at me Maura, I have scars all over my body, how can you even want to be with me?"

"I just do, when I look at you I still see the strong independent and caring woman you were before. Hopefully, someday you will realize that you're still you. About your physical scars, they don't scare me."

"Don't they disgust you? Would you have sex with me?"

"Sex isn't the issue here, I love you and I found you beautiful inside and out , the scars don't make you less attractive to me."

"Sex is important for you, and I can't imagine having sex ever again, not after what he did to me, I can't let anybody touch me, not even you, I'm sorry."

"You're more important then sex. I just want to be with you, I will wait until you're ready to let me touch you and if that day never comes, then I will still be happy sharing my life with you ."

"I'm sorry Maura I just can't."

"Alright, We won't talk about it again if you don't want to, but I won't give up on you. I want to help you Jane, I really do. The most important thing for me right now is to help you in your recovery, so I think it's better if I sleep in the guest room for now."

"I'm sorry, I just can't do this."

"It's alright, don't worry."

That night Jane and Maura slept into separate bedrooms. Maura spent most of the night beating herself up for what happened. She knew that Jane would never talk to her and confine in her now that she knew about her true feelings. She felt like she ruined everything, she knew Jane would never trust anybody else to share what happened to her and she knew that now she would do everything to spare her, and that include not talking to her about her horrible experience. Maura felt guilty because she knew Jane have would find out eventually, all that staying in bed, cuddling, it was obvious how they felt about each other, Jane probably wanted it as bad as her , she wasn't ready for it yet.

In the other room, Jane barely slept either. She couldn't forgive herself for rejecting Maura like that. She opened her house and her heart to her and she violently rejected her. Of course she share her feeling. She spent 3 weeks imagining Maura's face and laugh when that monster was beating up and picturing Maura's fingers on her skin when her was raping her. She knew that Maura was the only reason she was still alive. She hold on to the hope of seeing her again and it kept her from quitting. She knew that she wasn't the woman Maura fell in love with and that she probably never be that person again. Deep down knew that it would be better if she left , sparing Maura of more pain but she couldn't, if she wanted to survive this she needed her. The only problem was she knew how Maura felt and that at some point she would have to face those feelings , and she was terrified. She didn't know if she could ever be in a relationship again, if she was good enough for that, or if that monster took all her humanity away leaving her totally incapable of loving and being worthy of being loved.

**So guys, what do you think?At first I thought it was too soon but thanks to Honorcpt who helped me with that chapter, I realized that it's not too soon. They're not together yet, Jane just realized Maura's feelings. Let's be honest all the cuddling in bed, it was quite obvious and Jane is overwhelmed by all sorts of emotions so it was logical that she founds out sooner or later. Next chapter might be a bit painful Jane had to decides what to do ...She might want to open up a bit, show Maura what she was getting herself into and give her the opportunity to leave.**


	6. Scars

**Chapter 6 :**

**Scars:**

The next morning Jane woke up after only sleeping for a few hours. She knew that the atmosphere would be heavy and that Maura would certainly be mad at her. How could she blame her?She opened her house and her heart to her and she rejected her. Maura was smart enough to know that Jane never meant to hurt her but she still felt bad about it. She knew that Maura couldn't help her if she didn't let her. Jane truly wanted Maura's help but she didn't know how to react to Maura's romantic feelings. She knew that Maura wasn't helping her hoping to seduce her, and that was scary for her. Jane knew that Maura was well aware of what she was getting herself into, that she would probably never be able to be with her the way she would want her to, but she was still standing by her side, knowing that she might hurt her. Jane knew she loved Maura, she always had, she was her best friend, but she didn't know if she could be in love with her, she didn't know if she had it in her to love someone the way Maura deserved to be loved and if she would ever be able to take care of her the way she deserved to be taken care off.

Jane knew that she needed to talk to Maura, to give her something, to show her she wasn't helping her in vain. She knew that Maura wasn't asking for anything, that she wasn't looking for gratitude, but she deserved to know that she helped her. She also deserved to know, to see the person that Jane was now, the bad and the worse.

When Jane arrived in the kitchen Maura was standing in front of the sink washing some dishes.

She could tell that she didn't get much sleep. The water was running and she was looking through the window mechanically scrubbing a plate over and over.

As soon as Jane crossed the door Maura knew that she was here, she could hear her, feel her behind her. As Jane was getting closer Maura's heart stopped beating and when she finally felt her breath her neck she stopped breathing as well.

"Can you please join me in your bedroom?" Jane whispered her hand on Maura's hips.

"Sure." Maura nodded swallowing hard.

"I will be waiting."

A few minutes later Maura joined Jane in her bedroom and found her sitting on the edge of her bed.

"Are you alright?" Maura asked worried seeing the preoccupied look on her friend's face.

"Not really, please sit, I need to talk to you."

"Alright.."

"I don't know where to start."

"Take your time." Maura said taking Jane's hand.

"I'm not ready to talk about what happen, because I don't know how to tell you, which word to use. But after what happened last night I realize that you deserve to know. You deserve to know who I became and what you're getting yourself into." Jane said starting to unbutton her shirt, her hands shaking.

"You don't need to do that ." Maura replied her hand on Jane's trying to stop her from undressing in front of her.

"No, but you need it. I don't know if I'll ever be able to be who I was, or who you need and deserve me to be, but I can at least be honest." Jane replied swallowing had unbuttoning the rest of her shirt before opening it completely.

Maura didn't immediately reacted , she simply wandered her eyes on Jane's wounded body imagining what had caused very single wound.

Her chest, arms and belly were covered with large cuts probably made by a sharp object such as a broken glass bottle and also with burn marks obviously made by cigarettes. The bruises had started to desappear and her ribs were starting to heal but Jane was still having issues breathing properly.

As strange as it seemed it didn't scare or disgust her, for her the Jane she knew was still here deep down, it was up to her to help her recover that part of herself.

"This is who I am now." Jane said looking down feeling tears rushing to her eyes as she felt Maura fingers on her chest.

"I told you, I love you and I'm not going anywhere. All I need you to be is alive." Maura said before leaning over and gently blowing a tender kiss on one of Jane's scars right next to her heart….

"Oh Maura." Jane sighed stroking Maura's hair with her finger as she felt Maura's warm lips on her shivering skin.

Slowly without noticing it Jane and Maura settled in bed , Jane lying on her bad her arm around Maura's shoulder and Maura resting her chest listening to her heart beats.

"Does it hurt?" Maura asked wandering her fingers on each single wound.

"Not anymore." Jane replied kissing the top of Maura's head.

Feeling Maura's fingers sliding on her skin Jane didn't feel ashamed or embarrassed, she knew Maura accepted her just the way she was. Actually she accepted what she couldn't accept herself, this broken and empty person that she had become. Maura seemed to accept and love Jane the way she was now, maybe it was out of optimism , maybe she was hoping that Jane could go back the way she used to be or maybe she just loved her unconditionally no matter who or what she became.

In Jane's arms Maura started to understand Jane a little better, she could picture everything that happened to her and sadly it made her feel better. She needed to know, not out of morbid curiosity but because she was truly in love in Jane and she wanted to share everything with her and help her as painful as it was for her. So she wandered and observed Jane's wounds, one by one trying to memorize them, she needed to know Jane's body, like her own so they could become one.

The two women lied there in silence, Jane slowly relaxing under Maura's touch, they didn't talk about their feeling or about the possibility of a romantic relationship. They didn't know to talk about it more then already did. It it was supposed to happen, it would but it wasn't their priority.

Maura knew that there was a high probability that Jane would never be able to be with her the way she wanted her to be, she had accepted it. She was trying to help her completely genuinely without thinking about a potential romantic relationship . If all they were ever going to be was best friends, she would accept it, at least Jane was alive.

Jane knew that Maura was hoping that one day she would be ready for a romantic relationship and she felt like she was giving her false hope, being closer and closer to her like that. Strangely she didn't feel guilty about it, she needed Maura, it was a matter of survival. She was hoping that she wouldn't break her heart by not being able to be with her, she actually wanted to try, Maura gave her the desire to want a normal life again, she didn't if she was capable of it though.

**So guys, what do you think?I love and need your input on this story...Things are going slowly, I'm sorry if i disappoint those who were hoping for graphic details of what Jane went through...I'm not ready to write that yet and Jane isn't to tell Maura yet...**

**As you may have noticed chapters are short, I want to keep things simple.**

**Thank you, you rock!**


	7. Master

**Chapter 7 :**

**Master: **

Jane and Maura lied there for a while neither of them willing to move scared that it would ruin that perfect moment.

"Do yo u think they'll ever go away?The one of my hands never did."

"Well the cuts on your hand were much deeper, don't worry they should disappear, it might take time but they will. If they don't you can still consider plastic surgery."

"No, if they do disappear on their own, I will keep them ."

"Aren't you afraid that you will never be able to fully recover if you see them every time you look in the mirror?"

"I don't need to see them to remember what he did to me. As long as they don't bother me, I think I will learn to live with them."

"They don't bother me at all. Can I check your back please ?"

"Sure, let me grab the cream." Jane replied suddenly sitting up grabbing the cream and was on Maura's night table along with a small spatula to apply it.

"Well, they don't look as deep. May I examine them more closely ?I'll be gentle." Maura shyly requested .

"I know, I trust you." Jane replied sitting on the edge of the bed her hands on her lap, fists closed.

So Maura as gently and delicately as she could started to examined Jane's wounds feeling that she was holding her breath.

"I'm going to apply some cream now, this might be a bit cold." Maura said as she applied some cream on the small wood spatula.

"I know." Jane nodded.

So Maura who was holding her tears, trying to be strong did what she wanted to do all along : she applied cream on Jane's wounds.

This small gesture might have appeared insignificant for an external witness but in was in fact crucial and probably the biggest move Jane had made towards Maura so far. By letting her see her wounds, examine them and put cream on them, Jane was literally exposing herself to her and to her imagination. It was the ultimate proof of trust for Jane, her way of saying : "I trust you to see what I no one ever saw or will ever see and I trust you to make it feel better."

Maura who was usually quite dexterous with her hands was suddenly shaking and Jane could feel it. She was profoundly moved by Jane's sudden trust and also by what she had in front of her.

After finishing up Maura sat there behind Jane, not knowing what to do. Jane had shared something important and intimate and she felt obliged to do the same.

But for now all she wanted was to just stay here for a few more moments, so she simply leaned over resting her forehead on Jane's back caressing her back.

As she was sliding her fingers on Jane's skin she could feel her trembling.

"You're all set, it was probably cold and burning but you didn't even flinch my good girl." Maura murmured kissing the back of Jane's neck.

As she heard those words Jane was suddenly taken by a violent flashback she couldn't control.

"See that wasn't so hard, was it?You're learning fast, my good girl." The man smiled as he zipped his pants and walked away leaving Jane on the floor naked unable to talk or even breath .

"No, don't call me that." Jane violently said jumping out of bed and punching the wall as hard as she could on the way out.

"Jane…." Maura replied trying to keep her from leaving.

The 30 seconds it took Maura to react were enough for Jane to have disappeared. She spent half an hour looking everywhere in her house and was about to call Frost or Korsak when she noticed the door leading to the garage was opened.

When she entered the dark and confine space Jane was sitting in a corner, her legs lift up against her chest rocking back and forth.

"Jane, sweetheart, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have…" Maura replied kneeling in front of her.

Jane didn't replied, she continued to rock herself back and forth her look empty from any emotion. She was in a catatonic state and didn't even flinch when Maura took her hand to examined it.

"It doesn't look broken, but you need to put some disinfectant on it, Jane look at me." Maura breathed her hand on Jane's chin trying to make her look at her.

"It hurts." Jane murmured looking at Maura like she was calling for help.

"I'm here, I promise you're going to be alright." Maura replied kissing Jane's hand, her eyes burning from rushing tears that she had to fight once again.

"He…called me his good girl when I did something he liked, he made me do things, I did what he asked…" Jane cried out.

"I know sweetheart, you didn't have a choice he would have hurt you more, it was your survivor's instinct. You did what you had to do to survive." Maura said stroking Jane's hear pulling her against her chest hoping that her heart beats would calm her down.

"Will you ever force me to do things to you or to myself?"

"Oh Jane, of course not, I love you, I would never ask you to do anything you don't want to do. "

"But I would do anything you ask me to, I'll be good to you if you promise not to leave me please, don't leave me I'm scared." Jane pleaded holding Maura so tight she could barely breath.

"Oh Jane what did he do to you?" Maura said to herself as she was gently rocking her hoping she would just fall asleep.

As troubled as Maura was she started to understand what Jane went through. That monster literally took her will and power of decision away, he made her his slave. Jane was so confused that she was willing to be Maura's slave so she wouldn't leave her. As crazy as it sounded she had just begged Maura to be her master, like all she could relate to and recognize as the way to do things was to be obedient …

She had lost track of reality, the flash back sent her back there with him and she couldn't even see that she was with Maura, safe.

**So guys I know what you must be thinking : one step forward, two steps backwards...Don't worry Jane will get better, she's already better but some little things can trigger flashbacks and send her back there...**

**I hope you're not bored and that you don't mind that I'm a bit slow..I'm taking one step at the time...**


	8. Maura's journal

**Chapter 8 :**

**Maura's journal : **

After spending about an hour on the garage's concrete floor Jane had finally stopped shaking.

Maura was still rocking her, whispering in her ears hoping to bring her back to reality.

After many efforts Jane finally started to come back to her .

"Maura, what are we doing here?" Jane mumbled rising her head.

"You don't remember?" Maura asked swiping some hair away from Jane's face.

"No, my hand, it hurts, Oh God, did I hit you again?"Jane asked panicking examining Maura's face for any fresh bruises.

"No, you didn't but you certainly punched the wall in my bedroom, it's nothing to worry about, how about we clean this hand before it gets infected?"Maura asked helping Jane to stand up.

So Maura took Jane to the bathroom, took some antiseptic cream from her medicine cabinet and sat on her bathtub.

Jane didn't flinch even if the cream must have burn a little bit. She was looking away, her eyes narrowed, focused, trying to remember what happened.

"Jane, sweetheart, you're all set." Maura said trying not to say or do anything that would set her off again.

"I remember now, I'm so sorry Maura, I'm so sorry." Jane apologized standing up crossing her arms on her chest.

"It's alright why don't you go in our bedroom, I have something for you let me wash my hands first." Maura asked not realizing that she used the word "our" bedroom.

"Sure." Jane replied moving across the hall to Maura's bedroom.

So Maura quickly washed her hands and joined Jane in their bedroom making a quick stop at her desk, opened the top drawer and pulled out 2 small black journals.

"This is something that helped me when you were gone." Maura started to explained as she sat next to Jane .

"Looks like a journal."

"It is, when you were taken, I fell into pieces, I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. I couldn't talk to Frost or Korsak about how I felt because they were too busy looking for you, I didn't want to slow them down. I couldn't talk to your parents either because they were worried enough and they didn't need to hear me talking about the vivid dreams I had of that monster torturing you. " Maura explained looking down at her feet .

Maura knew that if she wanted Jane to share, she needed to share as well. Their bond was so strong that what happened to Jane also in a way happened to Maura and Jane needed to know that. Maura didn't want to make her feel guilty imaging her suffering like hell for 3 weeks, she just wanted her to know how excruciating it was to be away from her and to imagine her in pain because she precisely cared about so much.

"I'm sorry that I put you through this Maura." Jane apologized, maybe one day she would forgive herself, but for now she couldn't stand the idea of hurting her.

"It's ok, I'm better now that you're back, so every night, I would sit down at my desk and write about my day, like if I was talking to you. It's stupid I know, but it helped me keeping you with me."

"It's not stupid Maura, I remember talking you at night or when I had 5 minutes of rest. At first I thought I was praying God then I realized that I was talking to you. I would crawl in a bowl imagining my head was on your lap and whisper wishing you could hear me." Jane sobbed tears streaming down her face.

"I did hear you Jane, it's written in here, sometimes I lied in bed late at night unable to sleep and I could hear your voice calling for me, that's when I started to talking back to you which at the time was quite unsettling. I thought that the lack of sleep made me hear you, but I realized that it helped me, so there was nothing wrong with it."

"You saved my life Maura, without the thought and hope of seeing you again, I don't know if I would have made it."

"You would have, because you would have started to think about your family and all the people who love you."

"Maybe." Jane sighed .

"I want you to take this and to read it, I don't know if it's going to help you, but I want you to know that I never gave up, I always knew that we would find you or that you would escape. So I want you to read this and I want you to start to your own journal , trust me writing helps." Maura said handing a brand new journal to Jane.

"I wish I could talk to you."

"So do I, I wish you would talked to me, but I understand that you don't know how to talk to me. I can imagine that there is no word to describe what you've been through but hopefully writing will help." Maura said her hand on Jane's knee.

"I'm sure it will help me verbalize how I feel or what I went through, thank you ." Jane replied her hand on Maura's.

Maura really hoped that writing would help Jane as much as it helped her. She was also hoping that reading about what she went through would help Jane open up a little bit more. She didn't want her to feel obliged to share because she did. Maura just wanted Jane to know that her kidnapping was hard on her too, not to make her feel guilty but to make her see how much she cared about her. She was hoping that writing would help her verbalize what happened to know, so one day she would talk to her.

Maura was a bit disturbed by Jane's violent flash backs. She wanted to behave as naturally as possible, but it wasn't easy not to touch her or to be close to her. Maura was scared to even hold Jane's hand now, which used to be something so natural that they didn't even think about it. She was also scared to call her by nicknames or to say things that might trigger a flashback and therefore send her back there. She knew she couldn't stop acting naturally with her, because jane might take it the wrong way and pull back thinking that Maura was starting to see her differently or to feel disgusted or even scared of her. Maura was well aware that she was walking on egg shells and that Jane would probably have violent flash backs and physical reactions to them in the future, she just needed to be strong and accept that was part of the healing process, even if it hurt her.

As Jane was quickly looking over Maura's journal someone rang at the door.

"That must be your mother, how about you stay here and read this over while I update your mother?" Maura offered knowing that Jane wasn't ready to see her mother.

"Alright, I hope she won't hate me for not seeing her."

"Don't worry, she understand. Call me if you need anything." Maura said kissing Jane's forehead before joining Angela .

So Maura quickly went downstairs trying to imagine the best way to explain the situation to Angela. When she arrived downstairs Angela was loading the fridge with even more home cooked meals.

"How are you Angela?" Maura enthusiastically asked, not willing to share everything that happened with her.

"Those officers are a pain in my butt, I had to show them my driver's license."

"I know, they're just trying to protect us, we have a new duo every 8 hours , I must say, they've all been very protective over us."

"Well I'm glad they're here, so how is my baby?"

"She's alright, she's napping, she has a lot of sleep to catch up on."

"Maura darling what happened?" Angela asked worried seeing the bruise on Maura's face.

"She had a bad dream and pushed me . Don't worry it barely hurts."

"Let me put some ice on this." Angela offered moving towards the fridge.

"Thank you. It was the first night , she needed to adjust. She actually slept well the rest of the night though."

"Does she sleep with you?"

" She does, actually she just settled in my bed the first and asked me to stay."

"That's good right?"

"I think so, she's not completely pushing me away. "

"Has she talked yet?"

"Not really, a few things here and there she wrote down her statement but she's not ready to talk about it yet."

"Give her time, if there is someone who can help her it's you, she you her more then any one."

"I know, we did manage to talk about her physical recovery and I managed to convinced her to take a low dosage of pain killers to try to keep the physical pain away."

"Why a low dosage?"

"Well with a higher dosage the sides effects are numerous including extreme fatigue. She was drugged and barely conscious for the past 3 weeks I understand why she doesn't want to be on any pain medication that would leave her dizzy or knock out."

"I understand, is she asleep now.?"

"Yes, she's resting and this is embarrassing for me to explain but..."

"She doesn't want to see me?"

"She doesn't want to see anybody. She doesn't want to see her physically weak, give her time. Trust me the last thing I know is to keep away from people she loves and who love her but that's what she wants and I have to respect her wishes."

"I understand, do you promise to give me daily updates ?" Angela asked knowing that Jane was in good hand with her.

The truth was Maura felt overwhelmed with the responsibility of being Jane unique physical and psychological care taker. She wished that Jane would accept to see her family and friend and allow them to help her and she was praying for Jane to accept to see a therapist. She didn't want to run away from Jane, she was determined to stay with her until she was completely both physical and emotionally recover no matter how long that was going to take. She just wished she could share that responsibility with someone, so she could breath from time to time but that's the way Jane wanted to do things for now and she needed to respect that. Actually maybe it wasn't not such a bad thing not to have a minute for herself to think, because if she knew that if she stopped caring for Jane or think about her for a minute to just think about herself and her own pain she would probably fall on the ground without being able to stand up again.

"Of course Angela. I promise I'm trying to do my best to take care of her. I don't know if I'm giving her what she needs but I'm trying."

"Oh sweetie, don't worry, I'm sure you're helping her, it's going to take time but she's gonna get through this, with your help."

"I hope so, she looks so different, like she had given up on life you know."

"I know, just give her time and be patient, we are all here to support you, both of you. The situation must be hard on you two."

"I'm not the one who was kidnapped Angela."

"But you're the one who spent 3 weeks without sleeping or eating worrying about her. How are you holding up?"

"I feel better now that I got her back but as I said, I feel like it's a different person that came back. But I still love her."

"I know , you're the best friend she ever had, we trust you, it's a big responsibility but you're not alone in this."

"Thank you, but what I meant is that I'm in love with her Angela, I think I have always been, but it took me loosing her to have the courage to face it." Maura admitted .

Angela and Maura always had a special relationship. Jane always saw her mother as intrusive and overwhelming but to Maura, she was the mother she never had : caring, supportive, so she naturally got closer to her, especially when Jane was away. So now that Maura needed maternal advice on how to deal with her romantic feelings she naturally turned to Angela.

"Have you told her yet?" Angela asked not really disturbed by Maura's sudden revelation.

"No but she figured it out yesterday."

"How?"

"I don't know I think I looked at her in a certain way and she just knew. She was upset for a while but we talked about it and now things are back to normal." Maura explained not willing to give her more details.

"Oh, I see, well, I think I always suspected something, I mean observing the two of you together it's pretty obvious that your relationship goes beyond friendship. You have a very special bond."

"We had, I'm not sure it's still here."

"It is, she's here, she didn't push you away , she's accepting your help. Trust me honey, your bond is stronger then ever. If you ask me if she will ever be able to have a relationship with you, I don't know, but what I know if that if she's ever ready for that, I'm sure you're the only person she's going to want to take that step with."

"I'm not sure she pushed me away when she found out."

"Because she's not ready to be loved or to love again, not yet, give her time ."

"I know and it's not my priority, I 'd rather be her friend for the rest of my life then selfishly push her towards something she's not ready for. All I want is to be with her, If I only get to be her friend, then I will be perfectly happy with that."

Maura spend another hour talking with Angela and it felt good. If felt refreshing to talk about herself for her change, about her feelings. Maura's priority was to help Jane but she knew that from time to time she would have to think a little bit about herself if she didn't want to be completely submerged by Jane's darkness, because if she was, she wouldn't be able to help her. She knew one of them had to stay positive and strong, and she needed to find a way to put all this aside from time to time to be able to go back to Jane, stronger and able to help her.

**So guys, what do you think?Writing is my personal therapy , I write what I can express out loud, so I thought it would help Jane. I know that whole" I could hear you and I answered you" is a bit fluffy, but as they have a very strong bond I didn't find it odd, I mean we all experience that : being able to hear someone we lost or love and who is away…**

**I think Jane is making progress but that Maura is hurt and keep things for herself and that's not healthy… That's why I made angela come at the end of the chapter, Maura need to think about herself from time to time, she recharge her battery so she can help her better.**

**As always please review your insight regarding this story is fantastic thank you!**


	9. Dear Jane

**Chapter 9 :**

**Dear Jane :**

While Maura was chatting with Angela Jane sat down and started to read Maura's journal. At first she felt a bit uncomfortable intruding in Maura's intimacy like that, but she knew that's what she wanted. She realized that Maura needed her to know how she felt, so she could trust her and share as well.

Jane slowly started to read the first few pages trying not to cry , until a very special entrance literally broke her heart.

_"Dear Jane, It's now been 7 days since you were taking away from us. I know that statistically speaking the more time passes, the less chances we have to found you safe and sound._

_I spent the day with your mother, who as you can imagine is devastated. I had to restrain myself from sharing my thoughts and feelings with her, she certainly doesn't need to be worried more. I'm doing my best to keep your family together, to reassure them, to make them believe that we're going to find you one way or another . I have to admit that taking care of them is overwhelming, they're counting on me to be the strong and reassuring, when I'm just as scared as them . You know your family has always been like a surrogate family for me and that I'm more then happy to help them, actually they help me as much as I help them. Taking care of them, spending my days with them keeps me busy so I don't think about you and what might be happening to you. At least during the day I have them to focus on, it keeps my big brain as you call it busy, but when I come home at night, it's a different story. I usually just take a shower and then crawl in bed. I don't even have the strength or desire to eat, actually if it wasn't for your mother I wouldn't be eating at ll, but you know how she is, she over compensates by cooking a lot and I don't want to offend her._

_So at night when it's dark and I'm alone in my bed, I just think about you, hoping that somehow you found a way to hang on thinking about me as well. Being away from you and imagining you suffering physically and emotionally made me realize how much I love you. Yes Jane, I love you, I'm in love with you. I think I have always been, that I was just lying to myself for stupid reasons. I always considered myself as an opened minded person, being raised in europe, I always thought that I was opened to everything. After thinking about it, I don't think that what kept me from acting on my feelings was the fact that you're a woman. I'm the kind of person who thinks that gender doesn't matter, only the feelings do, and that's what scaring me. Those feelings I have for you are scary, not because I'm scared that you might not feel the same way, but because I'm quite sure that you feel the same way. I once told you I was a weird kid, that I never had a true friend who I could share everything with. You're the first person who I completely trust, with my feelings, my secrets and even my life. When I'm with you I feel that connection, like we're the only two people in the room. Sometimes I feel like a teenager feeling the world spinning around me when you're behind me and I can feel your perfume or your breath down my neck. I know this might sounds foolish, but it's how I feel. You make me feel like a teenager but at the same time, I feel safe with you, safe enough to consider a future with you. Now that you're gone, I feel so stupid of being so scared. I promise you that once you're back and you're ready I will tell you how I feel and maybe if I'm lucky enough and you share the same feelings we could….._

_Oh Jane, I wish you were just here with me, next to me. Sometimes at night I can hear your voice, it's probably the lack of sleep speaking, but the only way I'm able to fall asleep is by talking to you back hoping you can hear me._

_I promise you I'm never going to give up on you, I'm going to find you even if it's the last thing I do._

_Love Maura._

As Jane was closing Maura's journal, tears were streaming down her face , she realized what Maura went through when she was away, both psychologically and physically. She had to take care of her family especially her mother and god knew that wasn't an easy task. She basically stopped living for herself, she started to live ignoring her own pain to keep her family together and she was doing the exact same thing now. Jane always took Maura's support as granted and natural but she didn't realize it was so hard for Maura. She was so focused on her own pain that she totally occulted Maura's pain. Of course she was in pain, probably as much as she was herself and she selfishly never took the time to try to comfort her and to properly thank her for what she's been doing. Reading this diary Jane felt like she was robbing Maura of her life, and she didn't like it.

Just as she was getting out of bed and walking towards the heard Maura coming up, so she stayed by the door and waited.

"Hey, you're up, just give me a minute, I spoiled my shirt." Maura said as she stopped in front of Jane.

"Alright, I'll wait." Jane nodded.

As Maura was walking away Jane knew she had to do or say something.

"I love you too Maura, always have." Jane let out.

As that precise moment Maura's heart stopped beating, she couldn't believe what she just heard.

"I know, I love you too." She simply replied as she walked into the guest room.

As she was one step into the room Maura slowly closed the door and just collapsed on the floor.

She was unable to breath or to think straight. For the first time since Jane was back she actually recognized her, the woman she loved and who was her best friend. Those few words meant everything Maura : the way Jane said them, with that very warm deep voice that was so unique, as opposed as the febrile voice she has been speaking with for the past few days, not to mention the actual words, she actually said she loved her. Maura knew that Jane didn't say : "I'm in love with you" but the way she said "I love you too, always have" seemed to indicate that she was indeed in love with her.

Admitting that to Maura was a huge step for Jane, it meant that she even if she wasn't ready, that she wasn't opposed to a romantic relationship and that she shared her feelings.

A few minutes later after changing into a something more comfortable and putting herself together Maura was ready to face Jane, knowing that she would probably not talk about it.

To her big surprise she didn't find Jane in her room but in the living room in front of the television.

"You do realize that you have more channels then you could ever actually watch, seriously, who has russian channels?" Jane joked the remote in her hand comfortably settled in Maura's couch.

"Well, I like extending my knowledge on foreign cultures, they have subtitles you know." Maura mumbled a bit surprised to see Jane sat there criticizing her cultural choice like old times.

"Well, you might be rich Dr Isles but you could never pay me enough to make me watch anything else then a program in english, but it's your house so I will let you choose." Jane said handing the remote to her.

"Alright, Can I choose a romantic comedy?" Maura asked using that voice and doing that face that Jane could never resist.

"Anything for you." Jane replied feeling her heart melt.

So the two women spent the rest of the day watching movies, eating some of the delicious home made cookies Angela had brought them.

Things were exactly the way they used to be before Jane was taken, two best friends watching a movie while eating candies. Something was different though, they sat closer they usually did, Maura's head resting on Jane's shoulder and Jane's arms around hers.

The two women may have not noticed or feel it yet but something had changed, their relationship had changed.

Around 10 PM, Jane felt that Maura was falling asleep.

"Maura, sweetheart, I think it's time to go to sleep." Jane murmured slightly shaking Maura trying not but too brutal.

"Will you be sleeping with me?" Maura mumbled still half asleep looking at Jane in a way that would make it for Jane to refuse her anything.

"Of course I'm not chasing you form your own room another night and I sleep better when you're next to me anyway." Jane replied gently rubbing a piece of chocolate that Maura had on her chick with her thumb.

"So Do I."

Seeing that Maura wasn't really willing or capable to go anywhere Jane took the matter in her own hands and pulled her up and her arms wrapped around her took her to bed.

"Thank you darling." Maura smile as Jane helped her to crawl in bed.

After a quick trip the bathroom Jane joined Maura who seemed to be awake.

"How are you feeling?" Jane smiled as she crawled in bed next to Maura who was lying on her side.

"I feel better, I'm sorry I just fell asleep."

"That's so typical of you, you make me watch a stupid romantic movie and you fall asleep."

"I'm sorry, but for what it's worth I enjoyed tonight, it was really…"

"Familiar, like old times?" Jane continued moving closer to Maura.

"Yes, It felt like those girls night we used to have, thank you."

"You're welcome I figured it was the least I could do after everything you've done for me." Jane said her hand on Maura's hip.

At this point the two women were so close to each other that they could literally feel each other breath on their faces.

Maura's pulse was rising exponentially and Jane's lips were shaking.

"I don't know if I can do this, I just…don't want to hurt you." Jane mumbled her eyes deeply looking inside Maura's .

"It's alright Jane we have all the time in the world, I'll wait until you're ready." Maura replied gently stroking Jane's lower lip with her thumb.

Jane and Maura didn't kiss that night, they didn't need to. In both their minds being together wasn't about kissing or having sex. I was simply about being together, holding and supporting each other, being there every day for the better or worse and that what exactly what their relationship has always been about.

That night Jane slept through the night, without even waking up once, feeling hopeful of the first time that maybe her life wasn't ruined after all, that maybe she could love again and maybe she was worthy of Maura's love.

Unlike Jane Maura didn't fall asleep immediately. She spent some time thinking about the progress Jane had made so far. She was proud of her, extremely proud that Jane could finally spend an entire night with her, like they used to talking and joking . She knew that to road to recovery was still going to be long and painful, but she felt that there was hope. She also couldn't help but feeling touched by Jane's sudden display of affection and by the fact that she wanted to give her one perfect night, and one perfect first kiss.

Even if she clearly wanted that kiss, Maura knew she had made the right decision. Jane wasn't ready for that yet, she wanted to please her that's why she almost kissed her. Maura wanted their relationship to be sincere not made out of gratitude from Jane's part. She wanted Jane to want her as much as wanted her because she loved her and because she was ready not because she felt she had to thank her and show her gratitude.

**OK guys, don' wanna brag but I think that was perfect right?I'm quite satisfied with that chapter!As always guys review please, thank for the nice comments so far, this story isn't like any others and isn't easy to write but you make it worth it!**

**I think the end if perfect they don't need to kiss, they're together, or are they?**


	10. Intimacy

**Thank you guys for the reviews on the last chapter! I'm so happy when you react like that to what I want to express, you rock!**

**Chapter 10 :**

**Intimacy : **

The next morning Jane woke up to an empty bed, knowing Maura was probably in the kitchen preparing breakfast she didn't panic. She sat on the edge of the bed cracked her toes on the wooden floor and made her way to the bathroom before joining Maura in the kitchen.

When Jane arrived in the kitchen, there she was, as gorgeous as she could possibly be. Maura always had that aptitude to take Jane's breath away. Every time she would walk into a room her heart would stop beating and she would stop breathing for a second.

"Good morning." Jane finally spoke as she walked towards her.

"Good morning."

"Are these your famous pancakes?" Jane as wrapping her left arm around Maura's waist so naturally that it appeared that they have been dating for ages.

"Yes, my way of thanking you for taking me to bed last night."

"You don't have to thank me, but I'm happy that you made those, I'm starving."

"Please sit, it should only take a minute."

"Alright." Jane nodded removing her arm.

As she felt Jane's arms sliding away Maura suddenly felt empty inside. Jane was only a few feet away but she felt like she was a million miles away. Ever since Jane resurfaced they developed a very tactile relationship probably to compensate the lack of words, and Maura seemed to have develop quite an addiction to that physical contact.

"Here you go. Tell me if you like them, I made some slight changes the recipe." Maura said as she gave Jane two enormous pancakes.

"Alright. I'm sure they're good. Wait a minute, are you going somewhere?You're all dressed up." Jane asked noticing that Maura was wearing a very formal blue dress she usually only wore at work.

"Yes, I'm going to the station to speak with Detectives Frost and Korsak."

"You're leaving me by myself?" Jane mumbled suddenly visualizing herself alone in Maura's big house.

"It will only take a couple of hours I promise. A female officer will stay inside the house with you the entire time while two others will be stationed outside as usual." Maura explained as quietly as possible.

"I don't need a freaking baby sitter Maura!" Jane yelled making Maura freeze on her chair.

"I'm sorry Jane, I just assumed that you would feel more comfortable with someone here while I'm gone."

"I don't want to see anyone, I thought I made myself are you going to the station anyway? Are you thinking about going back to work already?If that's what you want be my guest. I can take care of myself." Jane demanded rising her voice her fists tightly closed at each side side of her plates.

"Jane, would you please calm down, I'm not going back to work, not now, not ever. I'm going there because I needed to see where the investigation was going and I knew you wouldn't feel comfortable having them here." Maura replied her hand on Jane's arm.

"I'm sorry, I just thought…"

"That I was leaving you?"

"Yes, I'm sorry…" Jane replied calming down, feeling so stupid for exploding at Maura's face again for no good reason.

"I'm here to stay Jane, you should know that by now." Maura said holding Jane's hand.

"I thought you changed you mind.."

"What make you say that?Is it because I didn't kiss you last night?"

Suddenly Maura realized that she made have not made the right decision last night. She decline Jane's kiss to show her that she could wait and to proving her how serious she was , but it had the opposite effect on Jane.

"It's stupid, I just thought that you finally realized how screw up I was and that getting involved with me would only hurt you."

"Jane, look at me. I wanted to kiss you so badly, but I want our first kiss to be special. I don't want you to feel forced to kiss me out of gratitude or because you need affection. I want our first kiss to have meaning and I want you to be ready for it."

"I know, I'm sorry it's just…"

"What's wrong? You know you can tell me." Maura asked realizing that there was something else bothering Jane.

"It's embarrassing . It hurts, I mean down there…"

"Oh, I'm sorry to ask you this but can you describe the symptoms ?"

"It burns when I pee or when I shower and it's painful the rest of the time as well when I sit for example."

"Then I think I will go to the station tomorrow, today I'm taking you to my gynecologist, I promise you she's the best."

"No! I don't want anyone to touch me down there."

"I know darling and I promise you I'm going to stay with you and hold your hands but you need to be examined."

"You'll stay with me?"

"If you feel comfortable with me being here, sure. I'm here to support you."

"Alright, I'm not sure I want you to see me like this, I mean going to the gynecologist is never an enjoyable experience but under the circumstances, I'm scared of how I'm going to react..."

"That's why I'm not going anywhere, give me a moment I'm going to call her see if she can squeeze you in today."

While Maura was calling the Doctor's office Jane tried to finish her breakfast thinking that it might be easier if Maura wasn't present during the exam. She remembered how she reacted when the Doctor tried to examine her back at the hospital. She knew that the fact that this one was a woman wouldn't change anything. Jane had always been quite physical, a bit butch some would say, but never violent, but now she felt that she was becoming more and more enraged and violent. The more she was remembering what happened, the more she wanted to explode. She hit Maura once and she would never forgive herself it it happened again. She knew Maura wanted to support her but she also knew that a simple word or a gesture could trigger a flash back and a violent reaction, and she didn't want to impose that to Maura. She didn't want her to be scared of touching her or talking to her because she might have a violent physical reaction. She didn't want the woman she loved living in fear that she could hurt her. After considering it Jane knew the best thing would be to just leave Maura to spare her, but she couldn't, she needed her too much, she knew she would never recover without her. Obviously Jane felt a bit guilty staying with Maura accepting her help knowing that she was going to hurt her again, but she was hoping that someday she could make it up to her.

"So, I have a good news, she can see you in an hour." Maura explained a few minutes later.

"Wow, that's impressive, I have to make appointment 3 months in advance when I need to see mine."

"We went to medical school together, you'll see she's very skilled."

"You went to medical school with her, that' s gross.."

"No, it's not, now please go get change I will drive you."

"I don't know Maura, I haven't been out since you took me home."

"I know, but the world is still the same, it's sunny outside, every thing is going to be fine, I will be there every step of the way."

"Alright then I trust you."

So Maura drove Jane to her gynecologist, she remained quiet during the entire trip, sun glasses on sitting low in her seat.

"Does she know about what happened to me?" Jane asked nervously looking around them as they were siting in the waiting room.

"Yes, she does, please just try to relax." Maura replied her hand on Jane's thigh.

Maura was trying to keep a confident attitude, but she was nervous. She knew and feared what was going to happen. Jane was right, being examined by a gynecologist is never a pleasant experience, but when you've been repeatedly raped and penetrated with foreign objects so violently that it caused vaginal tearing it might turn out to be excruciating and Maura knew that. She hated herself to have to put Jane through this, but as a Doctor she knew what can of irreversible damages an infection or a bad scarred wound could cause in the future.

After a few minutes Maura's gynecologist finally came out.

"Jane, Maura, please come in." She warmly said invited her to enter her office.

As Jane was sitting in front of her, she was holding Maura's hand tight, unable to let it go.

The Doctor was a tall blonde, in her thirties with blue eyes. She was trying her best not to stare at Jane too much and to make her as comfortable as possible.

"So Jane, Maura told me you've been experiencing some pain?"

"Maybe I should go and leave you two alone." Maura offered knowing that Jane might feel uncomfortable describing her pain with her present.

"No please stay, I need you to stay." Jane replied squeezing her hand.

"Alright, I'll stay then."

"Thank you. Yes it burns when I go to the bathroom or when I shower and it's also painful when I sit."

"Alright, I would need to examine you now."

"I don't know...will you be using a speculum?" Jane asked fear in her eyes.

"Yes, but don't worry I will be using a smaller one and I will be as gentle as possible. It's only going to take a few minutes."

"I'm going be right here to hold your hand I promise."

"I know, can you please leave us so I can change?" Jane shyly asked, letting her examine her was one thing but seeing her undress wasn't something she was ready for.

"Sure, you'll find everything you need on the examination table, let me know when you're ready."

So Jane took a deep breath , took off her clothes and lied down on the table, Maura at the side.

"Alright Jane, Can you please lift up your legs. " The Doctor asked as she settled at the end of the table.

Jane didn't object and did what the Doctor asked her to do unable to look at her.

"Please try to relax, I'm going to insert the speculum now, the more you relax the less painful it's going to be."

"_Easier said then done._" Jane said to herself.

" I' ll be gentle I promise." The Doctor said preparing her speculum.

"Just hold my hand and look at me, just focus on me. " Maura said sitting next to Jane holding her hand, trying to make her focus on her rather then on what was going to happen.

"Alright." Jane nodded as she felt the speculum at the entrance of her vagina.

"Here we go Jane, just breath." Dr tall blonde instructed as she inserted the speculum as delicately as possible.

"It hurts, please stop." Jane begged squeezing Maura's hand as she felt the long and cold object thrusting inside her.

"Please try to stay still, it won't take long."

"Jane, look at me, I'm here, I love you so much and I'm so proud of you."Maura whispered holding Jane's hand tight looking at her straight in the eyes, seeing the distress and pain .

As she Doctor was examining her Jane had to fight so hard not to scream and cry. She couldn't bear the idea of anything or anyone penetrating her. Even if the Doctor was gentle having the speculum inside her made her relive the abuse she endured : every time he raped her with a bottle or another object. She knew the Doctor wasn't here to hurt her, but the pain was the same . She was trying to focus on Maura's beautiful face and that what was calming her down.

Maura tried to keep it together as well, seeing Jane being violated like that even if it was for her own good was excruciating. Looking at her Maura saw how physically broken she was and knew that having an intimate relationship with her was going to challenging, but she didn't care, all she needed to be intimate with her was to hold her hand and have her in her arms.

"Alright Jane, I'm all done, just breath while I'm pulling it out."

"Alright."

As she pulled the object out Jane started to cry, it was over, it was finally over.

"I'm going to give you a few minutes." The Doctor said as she pulled out her gloves.

"I'm so proud of you baby, you're so brave." Maura said as she was helping Jane to sit up on the table.

"Please tell me I won't have to go through this ever again."

"I can't do that Jane, I hope it won't be necessary, but I can't promise it, I' m sorry." Maura replied kissing her forehead.

Maura didn't want to lie to Jane, the truth was she was hoping she would never have to face this again, but changes were she might have to be examined again if the pain didn't stop after treatment.

A few minute later Jane was dressed up, she had difficulties walking and her eyes were like empty from any kind of emotion, she was lifeless walking like a zombie.

"So, Jane, the good news is, I didn't saw no sign of infection, but the vaginal tearing and lacerations you suffered from aren't healed yet. It's going to take some time for you to heal completely. I'm going to prescribe a cream that should help alright?"

"Thank you Maria." Maura replied knowing that Jane was in no condition to talk at the moment.

Right after the appointment Maura drove Jane home. Jane remained as silence as earlier, but this time it was different. Looking at her, Maura felt like Jane wasn't really with her, like she was lost somewhere, almost catatonic. She hated herself for doing that to her, but she knew she had no choice, Jane needed to be properly examined.

As they arrived home Jane instinctively went upstairs and crawled in bed in fetal position, unable to talk.

Maura knew that talking was useless, that she probably wouldn't be able to hear her. So she crawled in bed with her hold her tight until Jane was ready to talk.

Jane stayed there as closed to Maura as she could trembling, unable to talk.

About an hour later Jane finally seemed to be back to reality.

"How are you feeling?"

"It hurt so bad when she was inside of me, I just..." Jane said moving away from Maura.

"It's okay Jane. You can let it out now." Maura replied settling on her side to face Jane.

"I don't want to cry Maura, I'm just so angry. I think I've wanted to be with you for so long and now that you're here with me and that we finally admitted our feeling, I just can't be with you, we can't be together."

"We are together Jane. I'm here with you and I'm not going anywhere."

"But I'll never be able to…."

"Jane look at me, I wish that you'd stop thinking about this. Intimacy is far more important for me then sex. What matters is that you're here with me. You're starting to trust me enough to talk to me, you let me hold you at night, you let me comfort you when you're scared, you let me take care of your wounds. You trust me Jane. That's what I call intimacy and that all I want and need, trust me." Maura murmured gently stroking Jane's cheek with her thumb moving dangerously closer to her.

"For now it's enough, but it won't be for ever." Jane grunted avoiding eye contact.

"Jane, please look at me."Maura insisted cupping her face with her hand.

At that precise moment Maura looked deep inside Jane big brown eyes and she could see herself. Suddenly everything became very clear. She knew that being here with Jane supporting her, helping her to find what she had lost was what she was meant to do. At first she didn't know if she had the strength or the ability to help her, but she took it on her to do her because Jane needed her. Now for the first time she finally realized that she could help her, that she had it in her to be what Jane needed and that Jane was still indeed the woman she felt in love with, no matter how broken she was .

"I love you Jane, you're always going to be enough for me." Maura whispered before leaning a short but intense kiss on Jane's shaking lips.

Feeling Maura's lips against her Jane felt overwhelmed. She had been fantasizing about this moment for so long that she thought it would never come. Maura lips were as sweet and tasteful as she had imagined them. By kissing her like that Maura was again reaffirming her love and devotion for her, but instead of feeling reassured, Jane felt scared because she knew she might never be able to give Maura what she truly wanted and deserved. But for now she had to learn to appreciate every single moment of happiness she could live, hoping that someday she could be the woman Maura felt in love with.

Jane wanted to kiss her back or to say something, but she couldn't she was paralyzed, overwhelmed and also grateful to have someone that loved her as much as Maura did. For the first time Jane started to believe that maybe some day she would get better, she had a reason to fight and survive now.

Maura could feel Jane was overwhelmed by her sudden display of affection, she was shaking and was unable to talk, but it didn't matter. They were together, holding each other and it felt like the world around them didn't exist , like the earth had stopped spinning. Their relationship was so symbiotic that they didn't need to talk to know how the other felt. Maura was hoping that Jane wouldn't panicked later after realizing that kissing was a serious step for them. Even if she was eager to kiss her over and over she knew that Jane was far from being ready to make out, but she didn't care they were together and it all that mattered...

**So guys, I know this chapter isn't good as the last one, don't know what happened. I wanted them to kiss and I wanted it to be special and to mean something, not to be just a random kiss. By kissing Jane after seeing her vulnerable and hurt Maura showed her that no matter how broken she was she still loved her...**

**As always reviews as always welcome... I don't have a plan for this story but I hope I will succeed to keep you interested.**


	11. Dear Maura

**Chapter 11 :**

**Dear Maura :**

After their first kiss Jane and Maura spent a long moment cuddling, which seemed to be their favorite activity these days.

"Maura?" Jane whimpered unwilling to disturb Maura who looked so peaceful.

"Yes darling?" Maura replied rising her head.

"I want you to go to the station today as you initially planned."

"It's okay, it can wait. I'm sure they would have called me if any progress were made anyway." Maura cooed Maura nestled into her side, head on her chest.

"No really, I want you to go out, see people, do something for yourself like shopping , I don't know."

"Are you trying to push me out of my own house?" Maura asked rising her eye bows at Jane.

"Of course not, I really enjoy staying with you in bed cuddling, it feels so…"

"Peaceful, like the world around around us has vanished?"

"Yes, and I feel like being the only one on earth with you, but not only it's selfish it's also unhealthy for you. You need to go out and get some fresh air. I don't want to alienate you, I want you to be happy."

"I suppose you're right, If I want to help you I need to be happy, not that I'm not happy staying here you, I really am, but I can use some fresh air, are you going to be alright by yourself?"

"Don't worry about it, I think I might write a little bit, I feel ready to start expressing my feelings, I'm not sure I'm going to find the right words, but I want to try."

"Alright, I'm happy you like my idea. Just don't think about what you're writing, just let the pen wander on the paper, don't try too hard to give it any meaning."

"Alright, Will you tell the guys I miss them and that I'm grateful for the support?"

"Sure, is there anything else you need?Anything from your apartment, or I can shop for you if you want?"

"I'm fine Maura, I really am. I have everything I need. I want you to only think about yourself, have fun alright?"

"I will. "

"Are you going to tell them about us?"

"Only if you ask me two, but I think what is happening between us is nobody's business . All they need to know is that you're taken care off and that you're making progress."

"What exactly is going on between us? Are we dating?"

"Do we really need to label it?"

"I don't know… I know you, you like everything to be defined, and qualified …"

"Not this time, I think naming what ever we're experiencing together might put some unnecessary pressure on us."

"On me you mean.."

"I meant on us. Labeling it makes it real and therefore might put some unnecessary worries on us. What ever is happening between us is wonderful Jane, I don't want to ruin it, I want us to take our time and to continue to do things as naturally as possible without thinking about it."

"You're perfect you know that?"

"I'm certainly not, but thank you. I think I should go now , give you some space." Maura said rubbing her nose against Jane's.

"Im going to miss you." Jane replied gently stroking her lips in a tender goodbye kiss.

The truth was Jane was scared to be by herself. She was scared that writing might trigger a flashback leaving her catatonic again. She was petrified at the idea of being alone if that happened, but she knew that Maura needed to breath, so see other people. She could see how physically and emotionally enduring all of this was for Maura, and she didn't want to pull her down in her abyss with her.

So Maura left Jane alone, anxious hoping that writing won't trigger a flash back, but she was proud that Jane felt ready to be by herself . She was also happy that Jane realized that she needed to go out and see people, Jane was starting to think about her instead of only focusing on her own pain and that was the woman she knew and loved.

Once Maura was gone, Jane settled at her desk and opened the journal she gave her at the first page, and started to write.

_Dear Maura._

_Today marks the seventh day of my return, of my resurrection really. Being there, heavily drugged most of the time, I sometimes didn't know if I was dead or alive. When he was hurting me I said to myself that this must have been reality because there was no way hell could be that excruciating. When I opened my eyes and saw you at the hospital I thought I was in finally in heaven, that I would never have to suffer ever again. As it turned out, I wasn't dead, at least physically. I didn't know what had happened to me, or how long I was gone or even how I escaped. All I knew was you were here and I felt safe. Looking at you, seeing your compassionate and loving smile, I knew that nothing bad could happen to me anymore. I have to say I was a bit reluctant living with you at first. I knew I wasn't myself anymore, that I wasn't the woman you knew and I didn't want you to see me like that, all weak, shaking, hurt. Knowing you, I could easily imagined that you spent the past 3 weeks looking for me, worrying, and picturing what I was going through. I knew that it must have be excruciating for you and I didn't want you to see that every thing you imagined might have happened to me actually happened to me, and even worse. I didn't want you to feel even more guilty for not being able to found me sooner. The other reason I didn't want you to see me like this was my pride. I always try to be the strong one, the confident one, and I simply didn't want you to see me falling into piece. I have always be independent and I didn't want to be depending on you. After spending a week with you I realize It would have been a mistake. I'm happy I decided to stay. Of course I still feel guilty for hurting you so much and making you stay all day with me. I feel like you literally stopped living for me, that your days now consist of taking care of me, physically and emotionally. I wish I hard the strength to push you away and to allow you to go back to your old life, but I don't have either the desire or strength to do that, not that you would let me anyway. I take things as they come, day by day, step by step hoping that someday I will be able to thank you for everything you've been doing for me. I know I lean a lot on you, maybe too much and that it's hard for you. I know you're strong and that you love me and that you're not going to leave me, but I wish I could be more self sufficient, so you can breath a little. Asking you to leave me by myself today was hard, but I knew you needed it. I want you to be happy, to continue to live for something else other then me. I know you're very devoted and sometimes it scared me because I don't know if I deserve it or if I'll ever be able to repay you._

_I still can't believe that you actually kissed me! I thought that, even if I wanted it for a long time that I would be uncomfortable with it, but strangely I don't. I think kissing you and holding you and cuddling you is the most intense and natural experience of my life. I feel safe and loved when you hold me, like we're alone one earth and that nobody can reach us to hurt us. I know you're more ready then I am for a relationship, but It's okay, because I know you're going to be patient with me. I know that you know me well enough to know when to gently push me or show me the right direction, but also to take a step back when I need you to. You were right, we shouldn't try to put a label on what we have, it might bring pressure, especially on my part. I know that as soon as the words "girlfriends " or "relationship" is pronounced I'm going to start to worry, even more then I currently do. I'm worried about not being able to give you what you need and deserve. I know you told me that what is important for you is intimacy, sharing things with me, being close to me, but I know you well enough to know that sex and physical contact is important for you. To this day, I don't if I'll ever be able to be sexually active with you, I doubt it. I know you're not him, that you won't ever force me to do things I don't want to be, but I just don't feel like I can let you touch me and take control over my body, I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't engage any romantic relationship with you, that you deserve someone who can take you out, someone to make you laugh and who could make love to you but I can't. I love you and I need you too much to let you go, you're my weakness Maura, but you're also my biggest strength and I hope you know it._

_Love Jane._

After writing those words Jane felt slightly better, she felt like a bit lighter, like expressing how she felt made her lighter …She knew she was still millions miles from recovery but she knew there was hope. Writing she realized that she needed to think about Maura's well being as well, and she knew she needed to encourage her to go out more and do things by herself. She also needed not to be so dependent on her and to learn to trust her to show her how to live and love again.

**So guys, what do you think?**

**As always reviews are welcome!The next few chapter will focus on the start of their relationship, it's going to be shaky especially for Jane..**


	12. Insecurities

**Chapter 12:**

**Insecurities:**

At the other side of town, Maura was meeting with Detectives Korsak and Frost hoping they had made some progress.

"Dr Isles, how is Jane?" Frost asked as he politely offered her a chair.

"She's hanging there. She's making progress, she's talking a bit more and sleeps better, but she still has a long way."

"She's strong, physically and mentally, I'm sure she's gonna get through this, with your help of course." Korsak replied.

Korsak had known Jane ever since she graduated from the academy. When she arrived at homicide he took her under his wings and they've been partner even since. He was the one who rescued her from Hoyt and was worried that she might not come out of it , but she did stronger than before. This was different though and he knew it, he knew that as strong as she was there was things people never recover from.

"Do we have any news?"

"Unfortunately no. As Jane wasn't wearing clothes when we find her, we didn't have any evidence to locate the place where he held her. I tried to retraced her steps after she escaped using various surveillance footages from difference stores but I lost trace of her two blocks from the station." Frost explained frustrated.

Frost and Jane had only been partners for about a year but they became friends, close friends. Not the kind of friends or partner that have drinks every day after work, but the kind you can relay on and trust with your life. It was extremely frustrating for her not being able to find the monster who tortured his partner.

"Is there any chances that she might be able to remember more things than she wrote in her statement?"

"I'm not sure, she was drugged the entire time. She does have flash backs but they're more oriented on what he did to her than places she passed by when she escaped. I'm not even sure she remembers his face, maybe it's better if she doesn't, we have his DNA, we don't need a positive identification, right?"

"No we don't as soon as we get him, DNA should be enough."

"Alright, well I'll make sure to tell you if she tells me anything that she remembers that can help the investigation, but for now it's a blurry, it's going to take time for her to remember and I'm not sure I want her to." Maura replied.

Maura knew that the more she could remembered the better it would be for the investigation, but she didn't want her to remember things that could hurt her. Unfortunately Maura could see that Jane started to remember a few things here and there and that soon she might have a clearer idea of what really happened to her. Right now what was she remembered was sporadic, blurry images here and there and the physical pain was here as well to remind her she was sexual abused, but she didn't want to imagine how painful it was going to be when she starts remember things clearly.

After seeing spending time at the station Maura decided to go shopping for the first time in over a month. When she finally came home at 6 pm she found Jane in the living room watching tv with Joe on her lap.

"You're finally home, another hour and I would have called missing persons." Jane joked as Maura was taking off her coat and her shoes.

"Yes, I'm sorry, I should have called." Maura replied siting next to Jane patting Joe as he jumped on her lap.

"Well I can see you lost time of time and reality ." Jane replied pointed out the several bags Maura had brought.

"Yes, I bought a few things and I ran into Maria."

"Maria your gynecologist, the one I saw this morning?"

"Yes, she didn't have any consultation this afternoon an she had the same shoes craving, we met in a boutique."

"And you spent the rest of the afternoon together?" Jane asked realizing that she shouldn't have ask her to go out without her.

"Yes, we had a couple of drinks, we actually haven't seen each other in a while."

"You mean she hadn't seen your vagina in a while?" Jane mocked her arms crossed on her chest.

"Oh Jane, don't take this the wrong way, she's my Doctor and I'm her patient, she doesn't see me in a sexual way, when she touches me it's completely professional." Maura replied.

"The way she looks at you sure isn't professional." Jane retired a bit of bitterness in her voice.

"Are you jealous?" Maura asked shocked that Jane could even think that there was something going on between her and her gynecologist.

"No, I'm not why would I be?You're free to have drink with whom ever you like." Jane replied her eyes fixated on the screen refusing to make eye contact.

"Oh Jane, Maria and I are only friends, as I said we went to medical school together, we studied together and we stayed friends and when she opened her practice I decided to become her patient, you know how important it is to feel comfortable with your gynecologist. I can promise you that it never crossed the patient/doctor line or the friends line actually." Maura explained moving closer to Jane, her hand on her tight.

"Am I the first woman you've been with?"

"I experimented a bit when I was in college but nothing serious."

"You slept with women before?How come I never knew about this?"

"Please calm down. You're the first woman I ever fell in love with, actually you're the first person I ever fell in love with. I had crushes before, but it was never love. I didn't compare to what we have. I can clearly see my future with you which was never the case with my previous relationship. I love you."

"But you've been with women before, you're my first, I'm totally unexperienced."

"Then, I will teach you…"

"You can't teach me enough so I can be what you need or deserve me to be Maura, let's be realistic , she can provide you with things I can't give you." Jane replied feeling the tears rushing to her eyes.

"I thought we talked about this."

"I'm not talking about sex Maura. I'm talking about a normal relationship . I mean, I'm barely capable of leaving the house, I can't stand the idea of having people around me. What kind of life am I giving you?A hem it's life?You deserve better then spending your days home taking care of me."

"It will get better Jane, I promise. It might take time but I promise you'll get better. And I don't want to be with any body else or any where else. I spend the afternoon thinking about you, worrying about you and annoying Maria talking about you."

"You told her about us?"

"No, we decided that our relationship was our business only, but I'm sure she figured things out, she's smart enough."

"Alright, I guess I'm a bit paranoid. I'm so convoked I have nothing to offer you that I feel threatened."

"You don't have anything to worry about I love you, only you."

"I just feel like I'm hurting you, keeping from having a normal life, you know. I'm not blind I see how it affects you. When you came in a few minute ago I could see the smile on your face, you were happy, because you went out shopping having a drink with a friend … I feel like I'm pulling down with me in my abyss and I don't like it."

"You're not pulling me into anything, and besides It's only temporary you're already getting better. Until you're ready to go out again, how about I take time for myself once in a while, would that make things better?"

"I guess so, I want you to live your life outside us…"

"US, I like the sound of that. Oh, I forgot to tell you Maria gave me the name of a cream that is far more efficient than the one the Doctor prescribe at the hospital, I'm sorry I have to confess I've never heard of it, it's new apparently." Maura replied reaching out to grab her purse.

"Good, I just took a shower so I guess we could do this now right?" Jane replied.

"Yes if you want, it's ideal to do it after you showered so your skin is clean and you're relaxed." Maura replied amazed that Jane was willing to let her do this that easily.

So Jane turned around and started to unbutton her shirt. As she was watching Jane stripping down Maura's heart stopped beating. Seeing her wounds always made her shiver and cry internally.

"Alright, it might be a bit cold." Maura warned as she spread some cream on the spatula.

"Well at least it doesn't stinks as the other one."

"You're right it actually doesn't smell at all." Maura replied sniffing the cream.

So Maura carefully started to spread cream on Jane's wounds, one by one. It wasn't the first time she's done it, so she started to memorize them, their sizes, their colors, their location.

"Well the other cream was actually quite efficient, it looks much better then last time, you're starting to heal properly."

After applying the cream, Maura took a minute to wander her fingers on Jane's skin marveling at how smooth and toned it was.

As she was gently caressing her back Maura moved slightly closer to her, so close that Jane could now feel her breath down her neck.

"Do you want me to stop?" Maura asked seeing that Jane was trembling and unwilling to repeat the disaster that happened last time they were in the same position.

"I'm alright please continue." Jane replied swallowing hard, scared of what might happen next.

"Alright." Maura nodded hoping that Jane trusted her enough to know she wouldn't cross a certain line.

As Maura was no more then 2 inches from Jane she continued wandering her fingers on her shivering skin, going from her lower back to her neck, to her shoulder. As she reached Jane's shoulder Maura started to kiss it, sliding her hand on Jane's arm.

Seeing that Jane wasn't objecting she gently continued to kiss her shoulder gently caressing it with the tip of her tongue.

Jane could feel her heart beating much faster and her breathing becoming more heavily. Her eyes were close and for a moment she forgot all about the abuse, the violent of his fingers inside of her. All she could feel and think about were Maura's warm fingers on her. There was nothing dirty or disgusting about it, Maura was doing it out of love, because she loved her not to show her dominance like this monster. She didn't felt pressured, she felt relaxed for the first time in a long time.

"Oh Maura."Jane whimpered as she felt Maura's hand on her belly, her jaw quavering from the intensity of her emotions.

Letting her fingertips graze against the soft skin of Jane's abdomen Maura started to feel that Jane was starting to relax.

As she felt Jane fidgeting as her hand was on her stomach Maura knew it was time to stop, so she simply rested her head on Jane's shoulder wrapping her arms around her waits pulling her closer to her before leaning back to be more comfortable against the cousins lied on the sofa.

As Jane's head was now resting on Maura's chest behind her, feeling her lover's arms around her, Jane felt safe and quickly fall asleep in her arms….

**So guys what do you think?You didn't expect them to make out that easily right?They're not ready yet...I think Jane was jealous because she feels like she can't make Maura happy. I choose to give Maura previous lesbian experience to emphasize Jane's feeling of not being able to make her happy : not only she feels broken but Maura has experience with women so obviously she feels she can't compete...**


	13. Perfect Day

**Chapter 13:**

**Perfect day :**

Around 8 O'clock the two women were still on the sofa cuddling, Jane lying back against Maura, and Maura resting her head on Jane's shoulder her arms still around her waist. Everything was perfect until Maura's stomach decided to interrupt them.

"I think we should eat something." Jane suggested hearing Maura's belly screaming.

"Yes, I think so too. Even if I would love to be able to survive on cuddling, it's not possible."

"I know, how about you go take a shower and put something more comfortable on while I prepare something for us to eat?" Jane offered wandering her fingers on Maura's arm.

"Jane Rizzoli, are you suggesting cooking for me?" Maura joked.

"Or we can order in if you want, actually it might be safer, don't wanna take the risk of making you sick."

"It's alright I trust you, you're italian and you're your mother's daughter, I'm sure being a great cook runs in the family."

Maura was truly touched by Jane's attempt to do something nice for her. It was also reassuring to see that Jane wanted to do something normal, like cooking dinner and enjoying a nice evening. Maura was amazed by Jane's progress but knew that things might not always go that easily, she knew that Jane was still going to have dreams and flashbacks in the future but right now, life was good and she needed to learn to appreciate every single happy moment with Jane.

So Maura feeling confident that Jane had the situation under control, went the bathroom and drew herself a hot bath, had some of those wonderful bubbles soaps and a few minutes later slid into the bubble bath.

God it felt good. Maura always liked to treated herself with a bubble bath, some candles and some music especially after a hard day of work. Unfortunately after Jane was taken she lost the desire to treat herself. When Jane moved in with her, she could only take quick showers because she didn't want to leave her alone for too long. Today was different, things seemed to be going well, Jane and her kissed twice and let her go out for the afternoon, yes things were better.

45 minutes later, Jane who had prepared dinner already started to worry, so she decided to go check on her.

"Maura, are you okay in there?" Jane asked through the door.

"I'm fine, is dinner ready?" Maura replied .

"You've been in there for 45 minutes so yes, it's ready."

"Alright I'm coming just give me 5 minutes. " Maura replied getting out off the bathtub wrapping a towel around her.

A few minutes later Maura finally came out of the bathroom, fairly relaxed but still starving .

"You do smell good." Jane joked leaning against the wall in front of the bathroom.

"You didn't have to wait here."

"I did, come on, let's go have dinner, but I need to cover your eyes."

"Alright, I don't know what you have in mind, but I trust you." Maura replied imagining the kind of surprise Jane had planned.

So Jane guided Maura to the kitchen, covering her eyes with her hands.

"Here you go, you can open them ." Jane instructed as they entered the kitchen.

When Maura opened her eyes she almost didn't believe how gorgeous it was. Jane had turned off ut the lights and lit up some candles that she had placed in strategical places, she had laid the table with great taste, not to mentioned that it smelled incredibly good.

"Do you like it?" Jane whispered wrapping her arms around her waist.

"I love it Jane." Maura sighed.

"I'm glad, it's nothing fancy, just some pasta with my mother's famous sauce, I'm sure you're going to love it." Jane explained as she pulled out Maura's chair so she could sit.

"Thank you gentleman." Maura replied amazed by such chivalry.

As Jane was serving them their dinner Maura felt happy, but also a bit sad. The way Jane was treating her, with such respect and chivalry was overwhelming and she couldn't help but thinking that things could have been that good for a long time if either of them would have had the courage to act on their feelings. But tonight wasn't about regrets it was about having a normal date, with the woman she loved.

"Well enjoy your meal darling tell me if you need more salt." Jane said as she sat down in front of her.

"Thank you, this is actually delicious, I told you it ran in the family." Maura said taking a bit at her pasta.

"I'm happy you liked it, I'm warning you there's not a lot of dishes I can cook, but being italian pasta is a must."

"Indeed." Maura nodded.

The couple ate, talking about everything, and nothing like they used to. Having a normal meal together was important for both of them. It was a small thing, but it was significant for them.

An hour later the two women were full and decided to go to bed. After washing the dishes the two women made their way to their bedroom holding hand. They were about to enter their bedroom when Jane suddenly stopped.

"Is there something wrong?" Maura asked seeing the worried look on Jane's face.

"Do you mind if I sleep in the guest room tonight?" Jane asked bitting her lower lip.

"Why?Is there something wrong?Did I do or say something inappropriate?" Maura panicked.

"No, you didn't today was perfect, but I think it's more reasonable if I sleep in the guest room."

"I don't understand if today was so perfect for you, why would you sleep away from me?" Maura asked genuinely unable to understand Jane's behavior.

"Well normally after kissing, cuddling on the couch with me half naked and having a romantic dinner the next logical step would be….You know…"

"Oh, well I never expected us to take that step tonight, even if it would be indeed the next logical step after the perfect day we had. We're not here yet, and it's perfectly fine." Maura replied still holding Jane's hand looking deep into her big brown eyes.

"But you would want to right?"

"Of course Jane, you know I desire you, but as I said we're not there yet and I'm perfectly fine with the way things are going, don't worry about it." Maura replied trying to pull her inside the bedroom.

"I'm sorry but I can see it your eyes that you want to make love, and I can't sleep in the same bed knowing that you desire me. I know I provoked you by letting you touch me and kiss me, but I can't." Jane replied letting go off Maura's hand .

"Jane." Maura whimpered as she watched Jane walk away.

Maura stood there for a while wondering what went wrong. The day was so perfect and all the sudden everything just exploded on her face.

She wanted to clear things up with Jane but she didn't know if she should try, or just let her.

After much consideration, she couldn't let things go that easily, it wasn't Jane's fault, she didn't provoke her, it was Maura who started it by kissing her and touching her.

"I'm sorry to intrude it won't take long." Maura apologized as she entered the guest room.

"Maura, please."

"No Jane, just listen to me. You didn't provoke me. I desire you every time I look at you. I love you and I found you extremely attractive and being next to you has that effect on me. I'm the one who provoked you, I kissed you, I touched you, I'm sorry I didn't mean to confuse you or to imply that I wanted to have sex. "

"So you don't want to have sex with me?"

"Of course I do, but I never meant to make it that obvious and to push you. I know you're not ready, it's very clear in my mind that we still have a long way to go until we can make love and it's perfectly fine. From now on I'm going to restrain myself, I promise."

"I'm sorry, I just ….have issues welcoming your display of affection, it's so innocent and pure, without anterior motive. I'm not used to it anymore. You know when he came into the room where I was held I could see in his eyes that he wanted it and that he was going to do everything he wanted to me even if I didn't want to. With you it's different, I can see that you want me, but you don't act on it, it's unsettling I suppose. I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault, your perception of what's normal has been altered. I love you and I'm extremely proud of what happened today, you were so brave this morning and you cooked for me, I spent a wonderful night." Maura replied crawling in bed next to Jane without giving her the time to reject her.

"It was indeed wonderful. Please don't stop being affectionate, I like it, but you're right my perception of what's normal is altered but I'm thankful you're here to help me see things more clearly." Jane replied kissing the top of Maura's hand.

**So guys what do you think?Jane is scared because Maura is showing display of affection and she noticed she wanted to sleep with her..I think that she's not used to someone who wants her but doesn't act on it, it's unsettling for her. I think Maura has issues resisting the need to touch her because she's attracted to her and because she thinks that if she doesn't act naturally Jane will fill rejected...They still have a long way to go, Jane's perception of what sex should be is seriously altered but hopefully Maura will help her see things normally again!**


	14. Control

**Chapter 14:**

**Control : **

The next morning Jane woke up as early as usual and found herself watching Maura sleep, she looked so peaceful. Jane knew that yesterday was a good day but she was realistic enough to know that every day won't be as easy. She knew that the flash backs and nightmares would come back eventually, but she was happy to catch a temporary break. Watching Maura sleep she realized that she had been foolish for so long, denying her feelings like that. She knew that if she have had the guts to face her feelings before Maura and her would have been dating for a long time. Thinking about it maybe it was better for Maura that they weren't dating when she was taken. Things had been hard for her, and Jane knew it would have been worse on her if they have been already dating.

"God I love you so much." Jane murmured brushing Maura's hair with her fingers.

After marveling at Maura's beauty for a while Jane decided to get up and make them some breakfast. Quietly sliding out of bed she suddenly remembered that Maura went by her apartment the day before and brought some of her mail back.

As Jane arrived in the living room she immediately spotted the pile of mail on the coffee table.

So she sat down and started to go through the letters that she received and noticed some of them have already been opened.

"What the fuck." Jane said to herself reopening the envelopes containing utility bills such as electricity, cable, water or cable.

Jane who was usually so aware of her surrounding didn't even noticed that Maura was just a few feet behind her.

"Good morning Detective." Maura enthusiastically said as she entered the living room.

"Morning." Jane replied still focusing on her mail.

"Did you sleep well ?" Maura asked as she leaned over to kiss the back of Jane's head combing her hair with her fingers.

"Did you go through my mail?" Jane asked suddenly standing a bunch bills in her hand.

"Yes, yesterday when I was at your place, don't worry it's all been taking off, and I saw your landlord and your rent has been paid for the next 3 months, don't worry about it." Maura explained taking a step towards Jane to give her the traditional good morning kiss.

"Why did you do that for?" Jane grumbled agitating the bills in Maura's face.

"I didn't want you to have to worry about it." Maura replied taking a step back .

The day before, after she went to the station Maura went to Jane's apartment to pick up her mail and open the windows so it wouldn't smell like death. When she arrived she met her landlord who was told about what happened to Jane and she naturally offered to pay her rent for a few months. After picking up Jane's mail she sat inside her apartment and paid every single bill one by one, thinking she was doing Jane a favor.

"I never asked you to do that." Jane grunted going through her purse.

"It's alright I know you have more important thing to focus on."

"How much was it all together? I'm writing you a check." Jane offered her cheque book in one hand and a pen in the other.

"Put that cheque book away Jane, you don't owe me anything."

"Yes, I do, I'm perfectly capable of paying my own bills, now tell me how much it was." Jane demanded walking towards Maura.

As Jane was getting closer Maura saw an angry look in her eyes, a look she hadn't seen in a few days, and it scared her.

"Jane, please put that pen down, you know money isn't an issue."

"I know, but I'm not invalid I don't need you to do this for me, you already took me in, you feed me, you do my laundry, you take care of my medication and now you're paying my bills, are you trying to control me?"

"Of course not, I'm only trying to help you." Maura replied taking several steps back feeling threatened by Jane's attitude and look.

"I see clear in your game now, you've been isolating me ever since I left the hospital, doing everything for me so I became completely dependent on you so you could seduce me more easily."

"You're being ridiculous, I'm not isolating you, you're the one who said you didn't want to see anyone. I'm only trying to help you, I'm sorry if you feel that I'm treating you like an invalid, I'll stop doing things for you if it can make you feel better, but please calm down."

"Fuck I'm not calming down, you're trying to control me so you can make me do things, I can't believe I didn't see it before." Jane chucked standing about a feet from Maura.

Seeing the look in Jane's eyes Maura understood he reaction, she only had good intentions, she only wanted to help her, not isolate her or make her dependent of her help, but Jane's perceptions of things were seriously altered and right now it was scaring the hell out of her.

"I think It's better if we spend some time apart today ." Maura mumbled before rushing into her bedroom.

Jane stood here unable to move. She suddenly realized that she went too far, seeing the fear in Maura's eyes, she realized she was out of line that she completely lost control over nothing

Calming down Jane realized that she screwed up, of course Maura wasn't trying to control her to make her do things against her will. She had been unfair and scary, she scared her one more time and didn't know if she could fix it.

Maura lied in bed for a while asking herself if Jane would ever go back to be the woman she was before. She was now so paranoid, angry and felt threatened by everything Maura was trying to do for her. Maura knew how hard it must have been for Jane not to feel in control of her life, she knew she was a strong woman who liked to be independent and relying on her must have been humiliating for her. But what she just witnessed was more than that, Jane was angry, mad at her, for no good reason. She knew that monster completely changed the way Jane saw things and that now every time Maura was doing something nice she immediately thought she had an anterior motive, and she could accept it. What she couldn't accept was that Jane compared her to that monster thinking she was manipulating her to seduce her. Maura knew it would take some time for Jane to see things normally and stop being paranoid, but she didn't know how long she would be to take it. She felt like when Jane made a step forward she immediately took two step back and it was frustrating.

**So what do you think?I think Jane found it comforting that Maura did everything for her at first but now that she feels physically better she realized(with her fucked up perception of things) that Maura was controlling her some how and we all know Jane likes to be in control.**

**I know this chapter is poorly written, I apologize for that, next one will be better!**


	15. The closet

**Thank you guys for the reviews, you seriously rock!I'm warning you this chapter is scary!**

**Chapter 15:**

**The closet:**

After taking a cold shower to calm herself down Jane sat in front of Maura's bedroom replaying what occurred an hour before over and over.

"_How could have blame her like that?How could have I compared her to that monster?She's the purest and selfless person you ever met in your life, she's only trying to help, she's carrying you on her shoulders and that's how you repay her?_" Jane said to herself her legs lifted up against her chest her face buried between them.

Lying down in bed Maura was still shaking, God she loved Jane and wanted to help her, but for the first time she started to think that no matter how much she loved and support her it would never be enough. Jane needed professional help, the kind of help that she couldn't provide.

Jane's perception of the world and relationships was seriously altered. The monster who took her brain washed her, blamed her by telling her that she deserved what was happening to her, and that was the way she was supposed to be treated. Maura understood that Jane could feel that she had anterior motive when helping her, that she couldn't do it out of love or selflessness because she simply didn't deserve her love.

Maura lied in her bed for a while not knowing when she would be able to come out safely. She knew Jane wouldn't attack her, that as much as she changed she wasn't capable of hurting her physically, but she could still attack her verbally and she didn't know if she had it in her to handle it another time.

After lying in bed for a couple of hours Maura started to be hungry and decided it was time to face Jane, so she jumped of out bed and walked towards the door.

When she opened the door Jane was still sitting on the floor about a feet from the door rocking back and forth against the wall.

"Jane baby, how long have you been here?" Maura asked as she kneeled in front of her.

"I'm so sorry Maura, my brain is fucked up." Jane replied burning tears streaming down her face.

"Shhhh, don't worry about it, I know you're hurt and you see evil every where." Maura replied sitting next to her pulling her against her.

"I…I…know I can trust you, but I just can't do it, please forgive me." Jane begged her head on Maura's lap.

"Shh, calm down, I promise everything is going to be alright, I'm going to get you some help." Maura whispered passing her fingers through her hair.

"What?NO!I DON'T WANT TO SEE A SHRINK!YOU PROMISED!YOU LIED!" Jane yelled as she stood up and just into the guest room slamming the door behind her.

_"Here we go again."_ Maura said to herself .

When she entered the room Jane wasn't on the bed, or anywhere in the room. Standing in the middle of the room Maura suddenly heard noise coming from the closet. As she slowly walked towards the door she wished that Jane wasn't having a flash back.

"Jane may I come in?" Maura shyly asked as she knocked on the closet door.

Jane didn't replied, she simply pushed the door opened. Once the door was completely opened Jane was on the floor shaking .

"Oh Jane." Maura sighed as she saw her girlfriend on the floor in that closet.

"I belong here."

"No you don't, I'm sorry. I just want to help you." Maura replied kneeling next to her again.

Seeing Jane like that Maura realized that she was probably forced to sleep in a closet like that and It broke her heart. Imagining the woman she loved reduced to sleep on the floor of a closet like a dog was more then she could handle.

"Alright, can I join you then?"

"No, go away."

"No, I'm not going anywhere, I belong with you." Maura insisted sitting next to Jane.

"I belong here…" Jane replied her head still between her legs.

"Did he made you sleep in a closet?"

Jane didn't reply, being in that closet she was catatonic unable to hear or to see Maura. Her head was spinning all she could see was :

"_You are gonna sleep here until you apply the rules." The man ordered pulling Jane by her hair dragging her towards a small closet._

_"NO LET ME GO." Jane yelled agitating her arms in the air trying to scratch him._

_"You my dear needs to learn discipline." He said as he violently throw her in the closet before shutting the door._

_The closet was so small that Jane barely had space to sit up. It was dark and smelled like death. It was so small that she felt like she was being buried alive, she couldn't see anything or breath._

_Jane knew he wasn't bluffing, that he would keep her inside that closet until she agreed to be quiet and stop fighting, but Jane couldn't it wasn't in her nature to give up and surrender._

_"LET ME GO." Jane yelled banging on the door as hard as she could as she heard him walking away._

_"God I love them when they fight, this one won't be easy to break, lucky for me." The man laughed as he walked away living Jane screaming and imploring him._

Banging on the door Jane knew she would probably die in that closet, she didn't want to surrender but knew that at some point she wouldn't have the physical strength to fight. She knew that even if he was doing everything he could to keep her quiet that monster enjoyed seeing her fight, and she knew that once she would stop fighting he would loose interest in her and would probably kill her.

"Jane sweet heart, are you with me?" Maura asked gently shaking her.

"DO NOT FUCKING TOUCH ME."Jane hollered as she violently pushed Maura out of the closet .

"Jane…." Maura mumbled lying on her back petrified, unable to move.

Before she could realize it Jane was on top of her pinning her against the wooden floor her arms above her head squeezing them very hard.

Looking at her Maura knew that she was having a flash back and that there was nothing she could do to bring her back to reality.

"Come Jane, hit me if that's what you want." Maura asked looking at Jane straight in the eyes.

Looking in her eyes she could see that Jane was angry, but also lost, out of breath, like someone else had taken her body over. This wasn't the Jane she knew and love, it was the animal that monster had turned her into.

Looking down to Maura Jane knew it was her, she could recognize her voice, her face, the fear in her eyes. She was fighting hard not to hit her, to make her pay what that monster did to her.

"It's ok , do it, I'll still love you." Maura whispered waiting for Jane to hit her.

Jane was still on top of her her fist in the air ready to hit her, but as she heard those words she suddenly came back to reality . As her fist was about to hit Maura's face it suddenly deviated its course before hitting the floor.

"I….." Jane mumbled before collapsing on top of her.

"I know baby,shhhh you're going to be okay I promise." Maura replied passing her hand through her hair, feeling Jane's heavy body on top of her, unable to move.

As Jane was bursting into tears, Maura tried to catch her breath. She was still in shock from what almost happened. Jane almost punched her , her fist came so close to her face that she almost started to anticipate the pain. Lying down Maura realized that Jane was maybe broken beyond repair. That violence she saw in her eyes, that rage wasn't her. This time she got lucky as hearing her telling her she loved her seemed to have brought her back to reality. Unfortunately she was scared that next time she wouldn't be able to bring her back in time.

**So guys, what do you think?I know reviews were down for a while, I hope it 's working now. Next chapter will fast forwards about 2 weeks, and things are going to get difficult..I won't say more ...**  
><strong>Thanks to Laura again, you're the strongest person I ever met in my life, truly an inspiration. <strong>


	16. First step towards recovery

**Chapter 16 :**

**First step towards recovery: **

Two weeks had passed since Jane attacked Maura and almost punched her. Things were now very different : after it happened Jane could barely look at Maura. So she decided to move to the guest room and the two women barely talked to each other anymore. Jane was working on her recovery on her own, writing in her journal every day and expressing her rage on a heavy bag she had installed in her room. She felt so guilty for going ballistic on Maura like that and she was determined not to go back to her until she was sure that she wasn't a danger to her anymore. Maura who up until that moment had been supportive and willing to accept Jane's anger, frustration and her flashbacks was now genuinely scared of her girlfriend. When Jane moved out of her bedroom, she didn't try to stop her, she knew it was for the best. She knew that Jane needed to do things on her own, and for the first time she admitted that there was limits to the help she could provide her with. For the first time also she was scared of Jane, shaking when she felt her behind her. She realized that jumping blindly into Jane's abyss was the wrong thing to do and she paid the price for her optimism.

Even if she kept her distance Maura was still worried and her heart broke into piece every night as she could hear Jane having nightmares. She wanted to jump out off bed and go comfort her, but she knew she couldn't, that Jane needed to be on her own, and she was also scared that she might attack her again.

After two weeks of barely talking Jane noticed that Maura started to go out more, to see her friends, or Angela and started to feel she was loosing her. She knew Maura deserved to have a social life and that it would be better for her to go back to her, that by staying in with her she was only going to get even more depressed.

At first Jane enjoyed having Maura around all the time. It made her feel safe and cared about, but now she knew she couldn't be selfish anymore, that by forcing Maura to stay a prisoner in her own house she was destroying her from the inside and she couldn't live with that thought anymore.

So after practicing her speech in front of the mirror a million times Jane felt that she couldn't face Maura, but she needed to talk to her, so she decided to IM her.

[9.12 PM] : Jane Rizzoli : Maura are you online?

[9.15 PM] : Dr Maura Isles : Yes, do you need anything?

[9.16 PM] : Jane Rizzoli : I would like to talk to you, but I don't think I can look at you after what happened.

[9.18 PM] : Dr Maura Isles : Well then talk to me here, if it makes you more comfortable.

[9.22 PM] : Jane Rizzoli : Thank you. I know you probably don't trust me anymore after what happened and I can't blame you. I know you stay because you know this wasn't the real me. I wish I could tell you that it won't happen again, but I can't. I know that every time I have a flashback I feel catatonic first and then I feel anger running through my veins and I know it's going to take time until they stop. I can't possibly ask you to wait for me because I know I don't deserve it, but….But I'm working on it, I write and now that my ribs aren't hurting anymore I can punch that heavy bag when I feel the anger coming and it helps .

Reading those words Maura could see all the sincerity that was so characteristic of Jane.

[9. 28 PM] Dr Maura Isles : I know it wasn't the real you, I know that your flashbacks are so violent that they bring you back there and that's why when you come to your senses you have this rage coming out. I know it's going to take time for you to stop having them but I won't leave you. I think we made the right decision by putting distance between us. I won't lie, you scared me, you came back to reality in time, but I'm scared that next time you won't be able to stop until it's too late. It's breaking my heart to hear you crying every night but I don't know if I can be close to you again, not until you get the kind of help I can't give you."

[9. 35 PM] : Jane Rizzoli : I'm sorry for scaring you, I promise you that if I ever hit you I would kill myself right after, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. You're right being apart might be a good idea. We both need our own space, to do our things and heal our own way without feeling suffocated. I noticed you go out more often now, I'm happy for you, you can't stay trapped here 24/7. You need to see people, your friends…

[9.38 PM] : Dr Maura Isles : You're right I need to get out of the house from time to time, but it doesn't mean I'm leaving you or that I'm giving up on you. I love you and I'm here to help you.

[ 9.40 PM] : Jane Rizzoli : I know and I love you too. I know you're here for me, but you need to have a life, and other things to do other then taking care of me. Have you seen Maria recently?

[9.42 PM] : Dr Maura Isles : No I have not, she called me once and invite me for dinner but I declined, I knew it would upset you. Please do not feel threatened, you're the only one for me.

[9.45 PM ] : Jane Rizzoli : I know, I'm sorry. You know I have been thinking about it and you're right I need professional help. I can not continue to rely only on you, otherwise I might just destroy you and I don't want that.

[9.47 PM ] : Dr Maura Isles : Really? You're really considering seeing a psychiatrist?

[9.50 PM ] : Jane Rizzoli : Yes, you know I hate shrinks and that under other circumstances I wouldn't have considered it, but things are different now. I'm with you and I don't want to loose you. Being stubborn only hurts our relationship. I know I can' t do this on my own and for the first time of my life I'm not thinking not only thinking about myself, but of us too. If I want our relationship to work I have to take some of that weight from your shoulder and heal.

[ 9.55 PM ] Dr Maura Isles : Well I think in any recovery, physical or psychological it's always important to have a goal, or a motivation. I'm happy that yours is us. Will be needing a referral?

[10.00 PM ] : Jane Rizzoli : Yes, but please someone you haven't slept with or been to school with.

[10. 02 PM ] : Dr Maura Isles : Alright, I know just the perfect therapist, I met her during a conference in Quantico, she's specialized in post traumatic stress disorder.

[10.05 PM ] : Jane Rizzoli : Alright, thank you, will you come with me? I mean you're the most important of my life and I'm sure she's gonna want to talk to you.

[10. 09 PM ] : Dr Maura Isles : Don't worry about it, actually I'm thinking about seeing myself as well.

[10. 12 PM ] : I understand, what happened to me also happened to you, I understand you need help to heal too. I'm glad we were able to talk, can we please go back to talk to each other? I hate seeing you scared of me every time you see me.

[10.15 PM ] : Dr Maura Isles : I'm sorry about that, I'm glad we talked. Let me call her to set up an appointment then we can have dinner together.

[10. 18 PM ] : Alright let me order some chinese.

[ 10.20 PM ] Thank you, it's getting late and I'm starving.

So Maura called the therapist and set up an appointment she was proud of Jane that she finally agreed to get professional help. She also felt slightly better knowing that she wouldn't have to bear the weight of her recovery on her bare shoulders.

Jane closed her laptop knowing that she made the right decision. She couldn't continue to rely only on Maura, she needed to heal if she wanted them to have a normal relationship some day and that would only happen if she get professional help. Jane Rizzoli always hated shrinks and always preferred to heal by herself, but this time it was different, she couldn't afford to be stubborn, she was hurting Maura by refusing help and that wasn't something she could live with. Maura was right, love was definately the best motivation in the world.

**So guys what do you think?I decided to be original here and I know Jane would be uncomfortable facing Maura so the chat seemed a good idea. I was against the idea of Jane seeing a therapist but I realize she needs it. I want to reveal more of what she went through but I'm not sure Jane is ready to talk to Maura about it that's why I think a therapist is a good idea, my way of telling you guys without telling Maura...**


	17. Therapy

**To megan : darling, I appreciate your loyalty but I can not hurry inspiration and I can not post several chapters a day. Writing is a process and I'd rather not rush it because my readers deserve that I give them well written chapters...**

**Chapter 17 :**

**Therapy: **

The next week Jane her first appointment with Dr Andrews. It was only the second time she left the house and being outside was uncomfortable, the noises, the smells, the people was unbearable for her. Lucky for her as soon as she entered the practice things became more quiet. The waiting room was warm with plants and nice wall papers and even a tanks with exotic fishes.

Jane and Maura arrived 15 minutes early and were quietly siting in the waiting room. Jane asked Maura to come with her, not knowing if she would be allowed to bring her during the session. Even if she couldn't bring her with her she needed to feel her presence in the next room. Jane had consulted a therapist before. After Hoyt took her the department required that she was cleared by a psychologist before returning to work. Back then things were easier, it only took a few sessions for Jane to convince the Doctor to clear her for duty. This time it was different, Jane really needed the help but had no idea how things would go.

The two women were sitting next to each other in silence holding hands waiting for Dr Andrews to come to take Jane in.

"Are you sure you're ready to do this?" Maura asked concerned.

She knew that this would only work if Jane was completely ready and willing to give it a try.

"I don't think I will ever be ready, but I need to do it, for you and for us but also for myself. Thank you for coming here."

"You're welcome, I'm here for you and I'm very proud of you. I know you don't trust easily and I know you also have you pride and that doing this must be hard."

"It is, but I want to give it a try, I have no idea how this works but I'll try I promise. I don't want you to be scared. I want you to be able to share my bed without being scared that I might attack you."

"I know darling, I do trust you, it's just going to take time for us to be able to have a normal relationship, but don't worry we have all the time in the world."

"Aren't you gonna be jealous?I mean I'm going to tell her things that I can't tell you yet."

"I know, and I want you to tell her everything you feel like sharing with her. She's a therapist, it's her job. I know you can't talk to me because you're trying to spare me and you feel embarrassed about what happened. Hopefully some day you're going to be able to share with me as well, I'll wait don't worry."

"I know."

A few minutes later Dr Andrews opened the door of her office.

"Jane, I'm very happy to meet you, please come in."

Dr Andrews was a tall blonde in her late thirties, with long hair, blue eyes and serious red glasses.

"Nice to meet you Doctor. " Jane mumbled shaking her hand still holding Maura's.

"I'm going to be right here when you come out I promise." Maura said kissing the top of her hand.

"I know." Jane sighed leaning over to gently stroke a kiss on her forehead.

When Jane entered the office she was immediately surprised by how warm it felt. It wasn't an empty sterile room like you see in movies. The room was well furnished with a huge wood desk, comfortable chair and the usual couch.

"Please have a sit." Dr Andrews offered pointed out her couch.

"Am I supposed to lie down or something?"

"If you feel more comfortable…."

"I'd rather sit." Jane replied sitting on the sofa while Dr Andrews sat on the big white velvet chair in front of her .

"Alright then, so Jane how are you feeling today?" She asked crossing her legs, opening her note pad.

"I'm good. Did Maura tell you what happened?"

"Yes she did, she didn't give me any details, don't worry, but yes she told me about your abduction."

"Alright, so how does this work? Am I supposed to talk about what he did to me?"

" If you want to yes, but if you don't want to talk about it then we can talk about something else."

"I don't know, I have never been too much of a talker. I came here because Maura insisted I did, if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have come."

"She's important to you."

"She is, she's been my best friend ever since we met ."

"Have things changed since you moved in with her?"

"Yes, a little after I was found we started to admit our feelings towards each other and kissed about 3 weeks ago, things were going well until I..."

"Until you...?"

"I don't want to talk about it, I screwed up. She's been nothing but patient and understanding with me and I attacked her." Jane replied standing up.

As she was talking she started to walk around in circles in the therapist office, like an animal in cage.

"Was it the first time?"

"No, the first night I had a nightmare and I pushed her when she tried to wake me up. I hate that, I'm not someone violent, certainly not against her. Why do I do that?I have no reason to be violent with her. "

"Well I think that a nightmare or a flash back can result in a physical reaction and that any one close to you at that moment exposes himself to a violent physical reaction. "

"You're saying that I'm not directing my anger on her specifically, that it's because she just happens to be there ?"

"Yes, do you feel the need to express your anger when you're not having a flashback or a bad dream?"

"Actually yes, once."

"Can you tell me what happened?"

"She went to my place and paid my bills and rent, which is typical of her, she's very generous with her money. I don't know why but I saw it as a way to control me and I went nuts?"

"Is control important for you?"

"Of course it is, I'm a cop, if I didn't show a little self control here and there I would have killed half the criminal in Boston. "

"How about your personnal life?"

"I don't have a personal life, I have Maura, we hang out."

"Have you ever felt that she was trying to control you before you were taken?"

"Of course not, well she was always trying to make me do things like yoga or shopping, you know girls stuff, but she's not controlling. She always accepted me the way I was. Even now, I know she's scared but she doesn't want to give up, because she loves me."

"Do you love her as well?"

"Obviously, I wouldn't be here otherwise. I think I've always been in love with her."

"May I ask you what are your expectation coming here?"

"I...I don't know I just want to stop being so angry and I want to be able to talk to her about what happened, I know she wants to know."

"Have you told her anything yet?"

"Not really, the only time I let something slip is when I have a flashback, I can't really control it. I don't want her to be hurt knowing what he did to me ."

"I understand but don't you think that picturing it is worse then knowing?"

"I know, it's what parents of missing kids tell me, that's not knowing and imagining things is worse then knowing. Do you think you can help me or am I broken beyond repair?"

"I think that it might take time, but you seem to have the support of your family and friends, not to mention you have a very supportive woman who loves you by your side. I think we need to take our time and not to rush things, but you need to trust me."

"I'll try. So our time is up, do you have any exercice for me to do until next time?Or does that only happen in movies?"

"No, exercice don't only happen in movies. As for our next session, I would like you to write your impressions on today's sessions and to write about your week so we can review it together next monday."

"Actually I already have a journal, I write down my memories, dreams and flash backs."

"That's a good start."

"Well Maura told me she kept a journal when I was gone and that she wrote to me every night. She thought it would help me, to write things down."

"Does it help?"

"It helps me remember more precisely but it doesn't help me to talk to her."

"Once thing at the time, the fact that you can find words to express how you feel and that it helps you to remember is already a good point. So please continue writing and as I said write about our session and every thing that happens during this week."

"Alright, thank you Doctor I will see you next week." Jane said shaking her hand.

After the session Maura took Jane home in silence, she knew that she shouldn't ask her about the session . She knew that Jane would talk to her when she's ready and willing to do so. Actually Maura was proud that Jane stayed the entire hour, she expected her to come out after 15 minutes slamming the door behind her. As soon as they arrived home Jane felt the need to go work out in her room, so Maura left her in peace. Around 7 pm, everything was quiet Maura decided to go check on her.

"Can I come in?" Maura shyly asked slightly opening the door.

"Sure." Jane nodded.

When Maura entered Jane's room she noticed that Jane was on her laptop, thinking that she was probably writing, she took a step back.

"I don't want to bother you, if you're writing..."

"No, it's fine, actually I was watching pictures of our last halloween party."

"Really?" Maura asked moving towards her.

"Yes, I can't believe you actually dressed like that." Jane smiled showing a picture of Maura dressed as wonderwoman.

"For my defense, it was a bet, more like a challenge actually, from your brother. I think I lot hot in that outfit don't you?" Maura joked standing behind Jane wrapping her around her neck.

"You always look hot, even when you wake up, come here." Jane asked pulling Maura on her laps.

"Thank you, you were quite charming yourself, in your ... uniform." Maura replied feeling her heart bit faster as she sat on Jane's lap, her arms still around her neck.

"You know I don't like to dress up, I did it for you, I'd do anything for you."

"I know." Maura sighed burying her head in Jane's neck.

The two women sat there for a while looking at pictures of happier times. At that moment Maura realized that Jane needed to do normal things as well instead on just focusing on her recovery. That night Jane smiled a few times, which was more then she did in the past most, and it was a good sign.

Unfortunately after dinner both women went to sleep in their own bedroom. Jane might have taken the first step towards recovery but the way to Maura's bed was still long and it would take time for Maura to trust her enough to invite her in.

Jane knew that Maura loved her and supported her and she was hoping that the therapy would work and that Maura would see the progress and eventually trust her again. Maura was her only motivation for now, she knew she had to get better for her friends and family, but Maura was the one who gave her the most strength, she couldn't loose her, she loved her.

**Hey guys, I know you wanted Jane to reveal things to the therapist, but to be realistic, you can't expect her to tell her things and to trust her during the first session. It's going to take time for Jane to be ready to talk about it , for now she's happy talking about Maura.I hope you like that chapter, please review...**


	18. Angela's visit

**Thank you guys for the awesome reviews on last chapter, I'm sorry I wasn't uploading but I wanted to take a break for this dark story…Also I didn't know if Jane was ready for what's coming in this chapter...**

**Laura, to answer your question, no I do not do any kind of research on therapists or how a session works. I do have a wonderful beta who went through a similar experience. I usually either ask her questions or directly send her my chapters and she tells me if I'm accurate and 99% of the time I am. I don't know how I get that knowledge or insight, I just do.**

**Chapter 18 :**

**Angela's visit :**

The day after her first therapy session Jane's unexpectedly slept late, which wasn't like her at all. Jane had never been a heavy sleeper but ever since she got back the smallest noise would wake her up.

Around 10 she finally woke up and went straight to the kitchen where she found Maura reorganizing her cupboards.

"Good morning." Jane yawned stretching up.

"Good morning sleeping beauty, slept well?" Maura asked walking towards the coffee pot..

"I did, actually I had time to think and there is something I want to talk to you about." Jane said sitting at the kitchen table.

"Alright, I'm listening." Maura replied pouring hot coffee into Jane's favorite cup as she walked to wards her.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome." Maura replied kissing Jane's forehead.

"Well I've been thinking that I should invite Ma over."

"Really?"

"I know that what happened to me was hard on all of you and I can't let that monster destroy my family and the people that I love like he destroyed me. I know that keeping Ma away is hurting her, and I don't want to her her you know. Not to mention I don't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me estranged to my family."

"You're right your mother is hurt because as much as I try to update her daily, she would rather hear things from you. I think meeting her is an important step for you and I'm happy you feel ready ."

"I think I am, at least I want to and besides I know she calls you every day, it's not fair to you to have to take care of her on top of taking care of me."

"Don't be ridiculous, your mother is family and she's worried like any other mother would be. I don't mind talking to her, you know I'm very found of her."

"She's very found of you too. So can you call her and ask you to come, If I do it myself she's going to cry…"

"Alright I will call her after you have breakfast, I think I might go shopping while she's here."

"I'd rather if you stay, you know in case she gets too emotional and I can't control her."

"Alright, I'll stay upstairs at your disposal if you need me. I'm glad you're doing this, looks like therapy is helping"

"Well talking makes things real and put them in perspective and I realized that I have to get better for myself but also for you and all the people who love me you know."

"I know and I'm proud of you." Maura said her hand covering Jane's.

Maura knew that seeing Angela was an important step. She knew that Jane didn't want her mother to see her weak and broken, so maybe it meant that she started to feel a little bit stronger. At least Maura hoped that Jane was stronger because she knew facing her over emotional mother would be a challenge .

Right after breakfast Maura called Angela asking her to come and about an hour later she was ringing at the door.

Jane was sitting on the couch nervously biting her nails.

"G_od, I'm as nervous to see my own mother as I was to see that shrink_." Jane said to herself hearing Angela and Maura approaching.

"Jane." Angela said as she entered the living room.

"Ma." Jane shyly said as she stood up and walked towards her mother not knowing if she was supposed to hug her .

"I will be upstairs if you need me." Maura said before walking away.

"I'm so happy to see you." Angela said bursting into tears pulling Jane against her.

"I know Ma, I missed you too." Jane said burying herself in her mother's chest.

As Maura was about to climb the stairs she took a seconds to obverse them. To her big surprise Jane didn't seem uncomfortable being hugged and cuddle by her mother.

"_Well things might go more easily then expected_." Maura said to herself as she climbed the stairs .

"So how are you?" Angela asked looking at her daughter from feet to hear to see if she had lost any weight and if she was tired.

"I'm physically fine, my face and ribs are healed." Jane simply replied not willing to go into the details.

"Do you sleep fine?"

"I have nightmares, violent nightmares but I managed to sleep for a few hours straight and I usually take a nap during the afternoon and before you ask yes I eat properly, Maura makes sure of that." Jane said avoiding eye contact.

Being here Jane felt compelled to tell her the truth, it was her mother. She couldn't lie to to her, not to mention that Angela knew her so well that trying lying was useless.

Jane was split between talking to her mother about her abduction and her desire to spare her.

"She's taking good care of you."

"She does, you know we're…I don't know what we are, we kissed a few weeks ago but then I attacked her and we've been sleeping in separate rooms ever since. "

"I know, I mean she told me that you decided it was better for your recovery to have your own space, but she didn't told me what happened."

" I had a flashback and I almost punched her, it was horrible Ma, I was on top of her ready to hit her.."

"But you didn't you came out of that flashback in time to realize it was her. I know you could never hurt her or anybody for that matter."

"I'm not so sure, it wasn't the first time I attacked her, during my first night back I had a nightmare and I almost knocked her out. She's scared of me Ma."

"I'm sure she's not, she knows how hard it is for you, she's doing everything she can to support you, she loves you."

"I know and I love her too, but I can see it in her eyes that she's scared. I can't control the flashbacks yet or the way I react to them but I can make sure that I'm not around he when I have one."

"It's going to take time, don't blame yourself. Maura knows you're not the violent type. She knows the real you."

"She knew the real me, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to be that person again."

"Nobody is asking you to darling. An experience like that changes you, but who you are in your blood, in your DNA didn't change. You're still the most courageous, carrying person I know. That will never change."

"Thank you Ma, but I feel like I have changed and I don't know if I can heal enough to deserve to be with her you know."

"Oh Jane, don't say that, Maura loves you, she always had. She loved you before and she loves you know no matter what changed in you, you have to trust her, she's not going to leave you because you have nightmares and flashbacks."

"You don't seem to be chocked that Maura and I are…what ever we are."

"Darling, a blind person could see that you love each other, you're soul mates and I couldn't dream of a better person for you to spend the rest of your life with."

"I know, she's the best. I just…She deserves better then this . I mean I can't even talk to her about what it did to me."

"I know sweetie, you're trying to spare her, but she has the right to know. You know that as a Doctor she has an idea of what he did to you."

" I know, she must be trying to picture it. I know that knowing for sure will hurt her but that it's better for her to know than trying to imagine it for the rest of her life, it's just so hard. He did things to me that I can't even articulate, Oh Ma it hurt so bad." Jane cried out bursting into tears rushing into her mom's comforting arms.

"It's alright , let it out, I'm here." Angela murmured gently rocking her daughter trying not to cry.

"The first week he didn't drugged me because he liked when I fought back. I would sit on top of me and hold my arms on top of my head. He rapped me Ma, over and over until I could barely breath, that's when he stopped, when I was only a limp below him. He said it was no fun if I wasn't fighting." Jane started taking a deep breath.

"Oh Jane…"

"When he was done he just drugged me so I wouldn't try to escape and threw me in that closet. When he wanted more and when the drug weren't effective anymore he would open the door, dragging me out pulling me by my hair. He was so strong Ma. I tried to kick him, to punch him, but I couldn't, I'm a trained cop and I let him overpower me." Jane let out feelings tears streaming down her face, and her breathing becoming heavier.

"No, you didn't he was stronger then you, you survived and escaped, that proves how strong you are."

"I got lucky that's all."

"Shhhh, it's alright baby, It's going to take time for you to completely heal but I'm here, Maura is here we're all here to love and support you."

Sitting here listening to Jane telling her about the hell she was trapped in for 3 weeks, Angela couldn't help put picturing everything Jane was describing and it hurt. Imagining her baby being raped and tortured was more than any mother would ever want to endure. Unfortunately her duty was to stay at Jane's side and listen to her talking knowing that as painful as it was it was probably liberating for her.

"I'm sorry Ma, I don't why I'm you those things, I didn't even tell Maura." Jane mumbled sitting straight wiping tears off her face.

"You did it because I'm your mother and you know there's nothing you need to hide from you. I promise you're going to be alright." Angela said chasing the tears from her daughter's face with her thumb.

"I'm not sure I'll ever be able to let Maura touch me, I love her and I want to be with her but I can't let her touch me."

"There's things more important in a relationship than sex Jane, for instance the fact that you're alive. Maura loves you I'm sure she'll understand."

"That's what she told me, that she wanted to be with me, that she would be patient and wait for me to be ready and if that I'm never ready it wouldn't be the end of the world. Seriously, who could live without sex?"

"I think living without love is worse. Look I know you love Maura but you shouldn't underestimate her, she's stronger than you think. Besides you shouldn't think about sex right now, it's too soon."

"I know, I just want her to be happy."

"She's happy as long as you're alive darling and So am I."

After talking to her Maura, Jane felt empty, relieved, like if the weight the she had been caring on her bare shoulders was gone. She knew it hurt her mother to hear about it, but she wasn't able to hold it anymore, so she just exploded and threw everything in her face. At first she felt guilty about it but then realized that what mothers were for : relieving their children of any pain. Unfortunately Jane knew that Maura also deserved to know the truth, but she had a feeling that it would be much harder for her to tell Maura than it was to tell her mom.

**So guys, what do you think?I know you've been waiting for a long time for me to tell you what he did to her. I know that it came out a bit abruptly, but Jane let it out without thinking. When she'll tell Maura, the tone will be different, it's going to be more detailed, but she's not ready for that yet**.


	19. Confessions

**Chapter 19 :**

**Confessions.**

After talking to her mother Jane felt relieved and felt that she was actually really starting to heal. For the next few weeks, she went to see her therapist weekly and actually started to trust her more. Talking to Angela was so liberating that she felt the need to talk more, especially to her therapist. During the first session Jane mainly talked about Maura, how she was grateful for her help, how she wanted to get better for her, ater talking to Angela Jane actually started to talk about what happened to her. Dr Andrews was very respectful and knew her limits and never crossed the line between what she knew Jane was willing to talk about and what she wanted her to talk about.

Jane's first therapy session had been physically and emotionally hard for her, so hard that she didn't talk to Maura until the next day and actually slept in that morning.

Strangely the next few session were less tiring for Jane and she came out of Dr Andrews office fresh and almost smiling. Once she was back home Jane would go into her room and write her journal, which was very important for her.

She still had nightmares, but the flashbacks almost disappeared. Jane felt more in peace with herself and to what was done to her and didn't felt the need to jump out of her chair and attack Maura for no good reason.

Things were going fine, Jane was making progress, actually she was talking to Angela over the phone almost daily.

Obviously Maura was happy to see that Jane was getting better, she could see that she was more peaceful, that she didn't have any more excess of rage and therefore didn't feel scared by her presence. Actually things between them were moving slowly into the right direction, they would spend nights watching movies, eating ice cream and cuddling. Obviously nothing sexual had happened yet, but they kissed and wandered their hands on each other 's bodies.

Things were progressing in the right direction for everyone except for Maura.

Maura was watching Jane getting better, talking to her therapist, to her mother but she still refused to talk to her about what she went through.

That night Maura had begged Jane to watch this documentary on the first heart transplant ever performed in the US. Obviously Jane couldn't refused so she agreed to watch it at the condition that they watched the game the next night.

As the documentary was over Maura could feel that Jane was anxious, she was nervously chewing her lip.

"Is there something you want to talk to me about?"

"Yes. I don't know how to ask you this. I would like you to come to my session tomorrow."

"Really?"

"Yes. There are things I know you want me to tell you, I'm not saying that I'm ready to tell you everything that happened to me but I feel ready to reveal a few things."

"I'm happy to hear that Jane."

"So you're not mad at me for needing Dr Andrews' presence?"

"No, I understand, you trust her and her presence will certainly give you support."

"Thank God, I thought you would freak out telling me that if I can't even talk to you in private I shouldn't even bother to talk at all."

"Well under other circumstances I would have been offended that you needed someone's else support to talk to me. I always thought that you and I could talk about anything without feeling embarrassed , but this is different and I understand."

So the next day Maura founds herself in Dr Andrews' office nervously waiting for what Jane had to confess to her.

"Maura, it's nice to see you, thank you for coming. Please take a seat."

"You're welcome, there's not place I would rather be." Maura replied sitting right next to Jane.

"So Jane how are you feeling today?"

"Actually I feel good, not great but you relatively good. Knowing that Maura would be here with us today helped me sleep peacefully."

"Does her presence reassure you?"

"Actually her presence in general reassures me, but her being here right now scares me, but I have to do this."

"No Jane, you don't have to if you're not ready. I told you I would never push you." Maura replied still holding Jane's hand tight.

"I know, I mean you literally quit your job and your life to take care of me, you deserve to know."

"Jane, do you feel obligated to confine into Maura because she's helping you?"Dr Andrews asked.

"No, I mean maybe a little I guess I feel it's unfair for her to help me but have nothing in return."

"That's not true Jane. Seeing you getting better is the greatest thing you could have given me in return for my help."

"I know babe, I really want to talk to you because I think it's cruel for me to let you imagine what that monster did to me. Also I want things to work between us and hiding things from you is like hiding a piece of myself and I want you to know me completely."

"I already know you Jane, you're my best friend we know each other inside out."

"You used to know me, but I have changed, you can't deny that."

"Of course you did, when something as traumatic as this happens to you , it changes you, but deep down you're still the same loving, caring, courageous woman I fell in love with years ago."

"Well she's so deep that I'm afraid she might sink. I know that with your help and Dr Andrews' help I can get better, but I'll never be the woman I used to be. I'll still have flashbacks and nightmare, and I'll still be angry from time to time probably for the rest of my life, all I can do is try to control it and try to live a normal life."

"Maura, how do you feel about the progress Jane has made over the past few weeks?"

"I think she made great progress. She used to be so angry and anxious all the time, now she can actually watch an entire movie without having to stand up . She seems more in peace and as a result she sleeps more and better. "

"Then why don't you let me sleep with you again?Are you still scared of me?"

"I guess I am, I'm sorry. I trust you but I think we both need our own space. Confining you in my room isn't healthy and you sleep well in my guest room right?"

"Yes, I guess when I sleep with you I'm scared that I'm going to have a nightmare and attack you, so I end up worrying so much that I don't sleep. When I'm by myself I know I can have bad dreams that it won't have any consequences."

"Do you feel liberated ?" Dr Andrew asked.

"I guess I do. I mean trying to control your dreams is ridiculous, the only way is not to sleep. Being on my own allows me to let myself go completely. I sleep without obsessing about hurting Maura if I have a bad dream, so I actually end up sleeping pretty well and when I do have a nightmare It's okay because I know I won't hurt Maura and she won't see me like this."

"Would you like to talk about the nightmares?"

"I…I don't know."

"Jane look at me, I love you nothing that happened to you can ever change that, alright?" Maura said cupping Jane's face with her right hand.

"I know, it's just when I have a nightmare it's so vivid you know, I can't move, I feel feel his hands on me, his breath on my skin. It's like reliving it every single time. I'm a cop Maura, I've seen bodies who suffered like I did, I've heard testimonies, I've heard confessions, but living it, not the same at all. As a cop we're train to face life threatening situations, to fight, to take the pain, but what he did to me..."

"I know baby, I'm here and I'm not going anywhere ." Maura said gently rubbing Jane's back.

Observing them together Dr Andrews had a clearer idea of the kind of relationship they had. Most couple don't survive this kind of tragedy , but for Jane and Maura it was the opposite : it brought them closer. Dr Andrews knew that Maura was scared of Jane's sudden excess of violence and it was perfectly understandable, but right now all she could see was her unconditional love and support. She knew that Maura wouldn't leave Jane, that she would stand by her no matter how long and how hard her recovery would be.

"Jane , you asked Maura to come here because you wanted to ask her something?"

"Yes, well I would love to be able to tell you in details what happened to me, but I just can't. When I talk to Dr Andrews I tell her about the nightmares, If I have one I just tell her what is was about and how I felt. I would like to do the same with you if you want. I know it's not much but it's the best I can do, giving you a piece of the puzzle here and there."

"I would love that Jane. I love you." Maura simply replied resting her head on Jane's shoulder.

**So guys, what do you think?I think Jane is starting to open up a bit. I think giving Maura pieces of information here and there using her bad dreams is a good thing, I mean you can' t expect Jane to sit down and say : he did this, this and this to me. I think telling her about her dreams and what's happening in them is a good way for Jane to little by little tell her what he did to her.**


	20. Never give up

**Hey guys, sorry for the delay on this story, Just started a new job so I don't really have time to work on 3 stories per day anymore...**

**Chapter 20 :**

**Never give up.**

As they were leaving Dr Andrews' office Jane felt lighter, being able to tell Maura how she felt helped her to get rid of some of the weight she was carrying on her shoulders. At first she was scared that Maura didn't see how much efforts she put in her recovery or the progress she had made, but luckily for her she did. Telling her that she couldn't tell her everything in one block but that she could start by trying to tell her about her nightmare might seem as a small step for an outside viewer but for Jane it was an enormous step, and Maura knew it.

Obviously Maura felt a bit offended that Jane didn't open up to her sooner but she knew that Jane was only trying to spare her and after today's session she finally accepted it and was happy that she agreed to tell her about her nightmares.

After the session Maura drove Jane home which was rare because before her abduction Jane never let her drive. Every week Maura was hoping that Jane would offer to go in a cafe or a bar to have a cup of coffee or something, but she never did, all she wanted was to go home.

As a Doctor she knew how exhausting and intense a therapy session was, especially for someone like Jane who didn't let go easily. She knew that it required an enormous amount of strength and energy for Jane to sit down and tell Dr Andrews about her nightmares and her feelings.

So Maura didn't complain and drove her home knowing that her first reflex would be to either go write in her journal or to take a nap.

As they were entering the house they were immediately welcomed by Joe Friday who as always was very happy to see Jane.

"Not now, Joe Friday. " Jane groaned as she gently pushed the little dog away.

"She just missed you." Maura said patting the dog to comfort her.

"I'm sorry I was just thinking about something you said during the session." Jane replied scratching the back of her head as she walked towards the couch.

"Would you like to share ?"

"Yes, you said that I couldn't stay still during a movie, that I always needed to stand up walk around for a while."

"Yes, because you were angry and frustrated but now that you started to talk about what happened to you, you feel more in peace .."

"You're wrong. If I can't stay on your couch or on a chair for long period of time it's because it hurts like hell when I sit for too long." Jane confessed biting her lip looking down at her feet, avoiding eye contact.

"Oh Jane…I had no idea baby." Maura replied moving closer to Jane.

"Well I'm very good at hiding things."

"You don't have to hide anything from me, especially medical issues, you should know that. " Maura said holding Jane's hand .

"I know, It's just not easy for me to talk about my … you know. I can talk about the pain in my ribs every time I sneeze of cough, or on my cheekbone if I sleep on my right side, but talking about my vagina hurting like hell when I'm sitting that's another thing."

"I understand. Do you still apply the cream Maria prescribed you?"

"Yes, and it helped a lot with the scaring, it doesn't hurt when I pee or when I shower."

"That means that the internal wounds you suffered form are healed, but scaring tissue can hurt when stretched."

"I know, for a long time the scars on my hands hurt like hell when I closed my fists too tight, I just didn't expect the scars to stretched when I sit you know.."

"I know, I should have told you that it might hurt for a while even after the wounds healed."

"Is it gonna hurt for ever?"

"It's probably going to take time. I can take you see Maria again if you want…"

"No, I'm alright it healed properly and it's not infected, I'd rather just wait. I'm scared that it's going to hurt if you try to touch me."

"Jane, please stop thinking about sex. I have no intention of touching you until you're ready. Don't take this the wrong way but maybe it hurts because you can't stop worrying about you and me having sex."

"You think it's in my head?" Jane asked rising her eyebrows.

"Yes I think there might be a psychological component in your pain. Does your hands hurt when you see me using my scalpel?"

"They hitch."

"That's because your brain associates the view of my scalpel to what Hoyt did to you with his. I think that when you think about us having sex you immediately think about what that monster did to you and it starts to hurt."

"But I know you would never hurt me like he did."

"Just like you know I would never empale you with my scalpel but your hands still hitch…"

"God I hate your logic…" Jane complained.

Maura and Jane were two different characters : Jane always followed her guts and her heart while Maura was more rational and liked to follow a certain logic, that's why Jane always let her have the last word when they argued because it was too hard trying to fight her logic.

"That's why we make such a great team, you have your guts and I have my logic, they're very complimentary."

"Team?How about us as a couple, how are we doing in that department?I mean are even a couple?"

"Of course we are, we kiss, we cuddle, we say we love each other all the time…"

"We sleep in separate bedrooms…"

"I thought you liked having your own space, that you slept better knowing you couldn't hurt me if you had a nightmare."

"It's true, I go to sleep not all worried that I might punch you in my sleep, but I also go to bed missing you like hell and I hate it."

"I miss you too." Maura replied kissing Jane's shoulder.

Maura knew that Jane needed to be constantly reminded of her feelings. So she told her she loved her as much and she could and tried to be as affectionate as possible trying not to be physical because she knew that Jane wasn't ready for anything too intense.

"Then can I please come back?I promise I'm better now, since I started therapy I feel less angry, I sleep better, I promise I'll never hurt you again, please I need you to forgive me and to trust me." Jane begged looking at Maura straight in the eyes feeling the tears rushing to her eyes.

"There is nothing to forgive Jane, your anger and your flashbacks and bad dreams aren't your fault, but I'm happy you have them less often. I'm just not sure that we should go back to sleep together. I'm sorry."

"Right, you know you ask me to trust you, to open up completely about what that monster did to me, but you don't even trust me. How can I feel confident enough to start healing when the woman I love doesn't trust me and doesn't even want to be with me?" Jane grunted as she starting to feel her pulse rise.

"Oh Jane, I trust you, and I do want to be with you, and that's the problem."

"What do you mean?"

"I love you Jane, with all my heart and my soul, and I want to be with you more then anything in this world. If I'm keeping my distance it's because I…"

"You?"

"When we kiss and cuddle at night when we watch tv I found myself extremely attracted to you physically and I know that sharing a bed with you afterwards would be uncomfortable for me."

"Oh…Why didn't you say something?You let me believe that you didn't want to be with me?"

"I know, I'm sorry but how guilty you feel about not being ready to engage in a physical relationship with me and I didn't want to make things worse by telling you how excited I am every time we kisse or cuddle."

"Thank you for trying to spare me Maura but I'm a big girl alright?Don't treat me like a fucking child or an invalid!" Jane hollered as she violently stood up before storming out of the room.

"Jane…_That's exactly what I wanted to avoid_." Maura whispered as she followed Jane in her room.

"Leave me alone!You're right we should stay apart . Actually we should break up, you deserve better then me. " Jane chucked as she entered her bedroom.

"I deserve someone who loves, supports and respects me. I love you Jane please calm down." Maura said trying to move closer to Jane.

As Maura was trying to calm her down, Jane started to nervously walk around in circle in her bedroom like an animal in cage. Maura knew that Jane was hurt that she didn't tell her the real reason why she didn't want to share her bed with her. Maura chose to make Jane believe she didn't want to be with her rather than telling her she actually wanted her so much that it was excruciating for her not to make love with her. She knew that Jane was already blaming herself for not being able to satisfy her sexually and she didn't worse to make things worse. Even if she had the best intentions, Jane was hurt and angry and a angry Jane was a dangerous Jane these days.

"No, don't you see what's happening here?I will never let you touch me!Just the thought of you touching me makes my entire body hurts!Even when we kiss I'm in pain!"

"I know, because your brain and body associate sex with pain, but with time and patience it's going to feel better and one day your brain and your body will be on the same page as your heart and realize that I would never hurt you."

" I don't know Maura, what if I'm never able to let me touch you, what if I'm only able to make love to you without letting you reciprocate?" Jane said falling on the floor lifting her legs to her chest.

"Then I will let you make love to me, hoping that with time, you'll trust me enough to let me touch you." Maura said kneeling in front of Jane feeling that she was shutting herself down.

"That would be selfish of me, besides I'm so scared I'm going to hurt you if we have sex…" Jane confessed burring her head between her legs.

"Jane, look at me please. I know you would never hurt me. I trust you completely." Maura said cupping her face with her hand trying to make Jane look at her.

Looking into Maura's eyes Jane could see that she meant every single word. Her unconditional and support were overwhelming and almost too much too bear. The more time passes the more Jane felt guilty for putting Maura through all this.

"I'm not so sure, I have this … idea of how I want to make love to you and it's not violent but it's rough, I'm dominating you. I can not imagine letting anybody taking control of my body ever again, not even you."

"I understand, you lost your free will and control over your body and now you feel the need to regain control over them. I understand that need Jane and I'm willing to do everything I can. " Maura said wandering her fingers in Jane's hair trying to reassure her.

"I couldn't do that to you , it's completely disrespectful, making love to you, taking control over you to help me reclaim control of my own body. That's not who I am Maura, I could never use you like that."

"You wouldn't be using me, you would just let me help you. You know I always pictured you as the dominant type anyway."

" Well, I always liked to take charge in the bedroom, but here I'm talking about basically fucking you while you lie there unable to touch me or to move, just so I can feel in control of my body, that's rape Maura not love." Jane said tears in her eyes.

Describing her fantasy to Maura Jane realized how much she had change. She always picture her making love with Maura for hours, she always imagined it to be a wonderful exchange, but right now all she could think about was to control and dominate her. She was turning into that monster and she didn't like it.

"I don't see it that way and besides I love you enough to accept anything from you. "

"If you're willing to accept this we shouldn't be together…"

"NO!I'm done letting you push me away, no matter what happened to you, you're nothing like that monster. You hear me?I love you and I'm going to do everything that I can to help you regain control over your life and your body and if it means letting you take the lead when we make love, then be it. I know you won't cross the line between dominant and in control and being abusive. I know you would never ever hurt me or make me do things i don't want to do, I trust you completely." Maura suddenly yelled almost like a desperate attempt to make Jane see reason.

Over the past months Maura always tried to do thing the way Jane wanted them to be. She always gave her opinions and try to give her advice, but she never pushed her, but enough was enough. She couldn't sit here and let Jane put herself down like and thinking she was a potential rapist.

"He changed me Maura, I feel that he let a bit of himself inside of me and it's growing, I can feeling, that darkness is growing."

"I'll help you fight it, I love you Jane, I'm never going to quit on you, alright?" Maura replied pulling Jane against her.

As Jane felt Maura's hands around her she immediately burst into tears. She had been holding so much inside of her for so long, just to protect Maura or to keep her from leaving her. Jane was so desperate to keep Maura in her life that she chose to ignore her darks thoughts rather than facing them and talking about it. Unfortunately as strong as Jane was, she couldn't take it anymore. All those dark thoughts and fantasies that were growing inside of her were killing her. Maura's support was so overwhelming that it made her feel even more guilty , she was wiling to accept so much, emotionally and physically to help her, to be with her. Jane knew that she should leave her because she knew that she was going to hurt her again, emotionally and physically especially once they start getting intimiate, but she couldn't, she loved her too much to leave her.

As Maura was holding Jane she started to realize that Jane was even more damaged that she had expected. She wanted to remain optimistic and to keep hoping that with love and support she would recover. Unfortunately Jane had changed for the worse. Never in the years they had been friends she heard Jane talking like that. The worse part was she knew that Jane was serious about needing to reclaim control of her life and body and she knew that she was probably going to hurt her if they had sex, but what could she do?Leave her?No, that wasn't an option, she loved her too much. She just needed to suck it up and accept it hoping that it helped Jane go back to being herself.

**Alright guys, that chapter was full of typos and gramatical errors, I know but I don't have a beta at the moment...I hope you understood my point anyway.**  
><strong>More drama is coming but don't worry good times are coming as well.<strong>

**Don't worry I'm not turning Jane into a rapist, but violence is a part of her now, and she can't deal with it without expressing it verbally or physically. Maura loves her so much that she's willing to take it to help her hoping that it won't damage their relationship.**

**As always review are more than welcome, the more reviews I get(good or bad) the more inspired I get! **


	21. Time for a change

**Chapter 21:**

**Time for a change :**

When Jane woke up 2 hours later after bursting into tears in Maura's arm , she was in bed.

"God, she must have carried from the floor into the bed. That woman is strong, not only mentally but physical." Jane said to herself yawning and cracking her fingers.

Sitting in her bed Jane replayed the conversation she had with Maura a few hours before . She was split between being relieved and horrified by the confession she made.

She has been living with those fantasies and urges for weeks, but verbalizing them made them real and it felt like a slap in her face. Being confronted to her darkest thoughts was scary and was even more scary was Maura's reaction . Maura didn't even flinch when Jane told her she felt the need of sexually overpower her to regain control over her own body, she didn't even flinch when she pronounced the word "rape" when she said that using her like that would be rape . Jane was amazed by how supportive and resilient Maura was. It was comforting but also scary, imaging what Maura was willing to endure to help her, was more than Jane could handle. She knew she had change and that she would probably carry this darkness for a long time, but she would not turn Maura into her own personal sex slave or punching ball just to help her regain control. After putting herself together Jane decided to join Maura in the kitchen and to have a serious talk with her.

"Hey, that smells good." Jane said as she entered the kitchen.

"Yes indeed, I'm making you a chicken soup."

"Have I tell you how perfect you are and what a great mom you're gonna be some day?"Jane said snaking her arms around her expecting her to push her away.

"Thank you, and when we decide to have children you're going to be a great mom as well." Maura replied turning around facing her.

"Yeah, So anyway about our conversation earlier…" Jane mumbled not willing to bring up the "let's have a family " subject.

"Yes. How about we settle on the couch?" Maura offered dragging Jane towards the living room.

Maura immediately saw that Jane was uncomfortable speaking about their future and was determined to take things one step of at the time. Obviously she couldn't help but seeing herself spending the rest of her life with Jane, but she knew there was a high chance Jane would never consent to have kids and she didn't want to lose her over it.

"Sure." Jane nodded following her into the living room.

"Alright, before you say anything I want you to know that I meant everything I said earlier. I understand your need to reclaim control over your body and your life and I'm willing to do everything possible to make that happen." Maura affirmed as she sat on her large beige sofa.

"I know and I wanted to thank you for your support. I also meant what I said. I feel out of control and I need to change that but I won't do it by abusing you." Jane said holding Maura's hands gently rubbing the top with her thumbs.

"But…"

"There's no but, abuse is abuse even if you agree to it. I know that if we start having sex now I'm going to feel the need, the urge to physically control and overpower you. It might help me feel more in control and more confident, but it would destroy our relationship. After that I know that you would be scared that I might hurt you every time I touch you. I don't want that, so I made a decision : we are not having sex until I'm recovered. I want us to have a normal and loving sexual life and right now I'm not ready to give that to you. "

"I understand, I respect your choice. You know you were worried that you were becoming a monster like him, but you just refused doing something that would make you feel better because you know it would hurt me. That's the Jane Rizzoli I know and fell in love with."

"Maybe, I do have those urges, those violent urges, but I'll have to find a way to deal with them and regain control without abusing you. "

"I know Jane, we'll find a way. I promise." Maura sighed kissing Jane's forehead before burying herself in her arms.

"Well, actually I had an idea." Jane said bitting her lower lip.

"I'm all ears."

"Well, you know I love my family and the guys, but I feel trapped and under pressure here. I know they're calling you everyday to know if I'm making any progress, and I love them for that. But I feel pressured to get better because they expect me to and because I don't want to disappoint them. "

"I understand, they're all worried for you and they want you to get better. I'm sorry they're a bit overwhelming."

"It's okay, it's encouraging to feel that I'm loved and that I have people willing to help me, but I just want to be in peace, by myself, so I think I should skip town for a while. "

"Alright, can you tell me more about what you have in mind."

"Yes. Being here is overwhelming. I can't go out because I'm sacred that I might run into someone I know or god forbid I could run into him. If I want to recover I need fresh air. I need to be able to go out and live a normal life. I can't stay trapped into your house. It's not healthy."

"I understand. Where would you like to go?"

"Your parents have houses all over the place right?We could go to one of them I guess."

"We?"

"Yes we. You don't think I could possibly go away without you?"

"Well you did say, you need fresh air.."

"I'm sorry it came out wrong. So what do you think?"

"I think you are right, we need a break from Boston, a place where we can be alone without feeling pressured by our friends and where you won't be scared to go out."

"I'm sorry … I realize I'm trapping you here with me, you barely go out."

"I'm not trapped Jane. I want to be here with you. I do go out, and when I'm shopping or at work talking to our team, I can't stop thinking about you anyway. Don't worry about it, I belong here with you."

"Thank you. I really want to be able to take you out for dinner, or just have a walk in a park holding your hand. I want to have a normal relationship with you, but I know that it's too soon to do that here. I'm not ready to go in public, having people's eyes on me."

"You're a public figure Jane, a local hero, it has its good sides but also it down sides. I think people wouldn't necessarily judge you but they would sympatise with what you 've been through."

"I don't want people's pity. I read the press you know, they think I'm fallen hero or something. I need a fresh start somewhere where people don't know me where they won't feel sorry for me."

"I think we can find a place where you can feel free and safe. Forgive me for asking but you just said that you needed a fresh start. Are you considering leaving Boston?"

"I don't know yet. Maybe I can't rebuilt my life here, maybe the pressure is so important, that I can't do it at my own rhythm. I don't know Maura. Maybe the only way to put this behind me is to leave town and start over. "

"I understand. No matter what you need to do, I'll support you . As long as we're together I don't care if we leave in Boston, New York or in a small village in Louisiana."

"Oh Maura I'm so selfish. Your life is in Boston, I could never ask you to leave."

"No, my career is in Boston and some of my friends are as well. As you know I travelled a lot and I have long distance friendships with a lot of people. Your life is where your heart is, and my heart is with you. I could rebuilt a new life anywhere as long as I'm with you."

"Thank you. How about we start by a vacation and we see what happens?"

"Alright. Where would you like to go?We have houses in New-York, Miami, Paris, Geneva…"

"Not europe, I want to be able to understand the language. How about some city smaller then New-York or Miami? I think that might be a bit suffocating for me."

"Oh, I know , you're going to love it. My family has a summer house in the Hamptons. It's close enough to the city but it's quiet, we have access to a private beach. It's actually very romantic."

"That sounds lovely. Thank you." Jane said kissing Maura's for heard her arms wrapped around her shoulder.

"You're welcome. We should bring Joe friday. I'm sure she's gonna love running on the beach. "

"Absolutely, and don't worry about Bass, my mother will love to take him in."

"I know. She says that he's more talkative and affectionate then your dad sometimes."

"I know. My dad is more of a strong silent type you know."

"I know, just like his daughter expect you're very affectionate."

Maura and Jane spent the rest of the day planning their vacation. Both of them needed it, they needed to go some place Jane would feel safe and not scared to go out. They needed to be able to go out, have a normal life and Jane was right, that wasn't possible in Boston, not with the shadow of that monster threatening Jane. Thinking about it Jane realized that vacation might not be enough. She realized that the only way to completely heal might be to start over, far from the press, from the public's eye, far from that monster. She knew that she would miss her family and her colleagues but she felt that as long as she was with Maura, she would be happy and she would have a family. Jane felt selfish to ask Maura to give her life and her career for her and was hoping that they wouldn't have to move, but knew it was something to consider.

Maura on the other hand was also scared that a simple vacation wouldn't be enough for Jane. She couldn't imagine Jane going back to work everyday, having to face her colleagues's and the public's look and pity. She knew that from now on Jane would always be stigmatized as a victim, not as a strong and competent Detective. She knew that her life could never be the same if she stayed in Boston that she would be reminded of what happened everyday, unable to put it behind her. Strangely starting over didn't scare her, as long as she was with Jane. She knew that they could start over anywhere, find a new job, new friends. She wouldn't have done it just for anybody, but Jane was the love of her life and if she needed to move to another city and start over to heal then she was willing to follow her anywhere.

**So guys what do you think?I think taking holidays makes sense. Jane feels suffocated in Boston, overwhelmed by the public's eyes and her family. It was only supposed to be a vacation but as I was writing this chapter I started to realize that maybe they need to leave for good to rebuilt themselves and start fresh. I haven't made my decision yet!Everything will come into place at the right time!**


	22. Vacation

**Chapter 22:**

**Vacations:**

A few days later Maura and Jane had packed some clothes and personal items and were ready to drive to Maura's house in the Hamptons. Because they wanted to bring Joe Friday they couldn't fly and it was for the best because didn't feel ready to be in such restricted space, even for a short period of time.

Before even starting to organize their vacations Jane went to see her therapist to have her approval. She didn't know if she was ready to go away and to be alone with Maura for an undermined period of time. Luckily Dr Andrews agreed that fresh air could be good for both of them. They agree to stick to their weekly session that they would do over the phone. Dr Andrews also insisted that Jane continued to write her journal. She knew that being away from her family and friends without feeling pressure would allow her to see things from a new perspective.

After making sure that Angela had all the informations necessary to take care of Bass, Jane and Maura took off.

For the first time in a long time Jane decided to drive, not that she needed to be in control, but because she didn't want to take the risk of falling asleep and have a nightmare, wake up freaking out and cause them to crash the car.

As they were silently on their way to their first vacation together Jane remained silent. She was replaying her last conversation with Maura in her head. She knew that even if she promised Maura not to hurt or abuse her physically, she would still have those violent urges and that they wouldn't be easy to control. Jane knew that she had to make sure not to put herself in a compromising situation, such as being physically or sexually close to Maura. Jane had all the intention of keeping her promise to Maura and to stick to her decision not to have sex with her until she was sure that she wouldn't hurt her. Unfortunately Jane knew that kissing, cuddling and making out in bed with Maura would probably lead them in a possibly dangerous situation, she knew that as determined to wait as she was she couldn't control her desire or Maura's. So after considering it carefully she made the decision not to sleep in the same bedroom as Maura during their vacation.

As they were on their way to Maura's beach house, Maura could see how preoccupied Jane was . She knew that trying to talk to her while she was driving wasn't a good idea so she started to try to entertain her. To do so, she started to tell Jane about her summer vacations with her parents when she was a child, about the gigantic parties her mother organized. Eventually after a few hours of Maura imitating her snob mother, Jane finally started to relax and smile.

After several longs hours of driving Maura, Jane and Joe Friday arrived at Maura's beach house.

"Holly crap!You said it was a modest beach house." Jane let out as she got out off the car.

"Well it is small compared to our house in the south of France." Maura joked as she pulled the bag and suitcases out of the trunk of the car.

"Let me take care of this."Jane objected as she grabbed the bags off Maura's hand.

"You drove all day please let me help." Maura insisted as carried 2 suit cases away.

"You heard the lady Joe Friday, come on." Jane replied closing the trunk.

As they were entering the house Jane couldn't help to admire the gorgeous furniture, expensive paintings and all the luxury items that were present in the house.

As they were climbing the stairs Jane started to be nervous, she knew she was about to give her decision to Maura and explain herself and she didn't know if she was ready.

"Alright, here is our bedroom, please be careful with the wheels of the suitcase not to damage the floor." Maura said as she entered her bedroom.

"Where's the guest room?" Jane asked standing outside the room.

"Don't worry everything should fit in here." Maura replied inviting Jane in.

"Maura, I...there is something I need to talk to you about." Jane said bitting her lower lip.

"Alright, but please come and sit." Maura replied as she sat on her bed, taking of her shoes.

As Jane entered Maura's bedroom she replayed the speech she had rehearsed a dozen time in her head.

"I don't know how to break this to you. I don't want to offend you or to make you think I'm not making progress." Jane started as she sat next to Maura.

"Alright, I'm all ears." Maura said looking Jane straight in the eyes.

Looking at Maura's smile Jane knew she was going to break her heart. Ever since they had decided to take some vacations Maura had been in a great mood and she didn't want to make her sad or disappoint her, but unfortunately for Maura's own good she had to.

"I think it would be more reasonnable to sleep in seperate bedrooms."

"Jane..."

"I'm serious, I know we said we wouldn't have sex until I'm recovered so I wouldn't hurt you, but to be honest with you, being in bed with you,holding you tight, I don't know if I could control myself and my desire to make love to you. I promised you and myself I wouldn't hurt you and I don't want to put us in a situation that could rapidly become unmanageable."

"I understand and you're right, being in bed together might bring us closer, to a point where we might want to make love even if we decided to wait. Controlling sexual impulses is hard. I trust you not to hurt me if we let the situation escape our control, but I understand that you don't trust yourself not to hurt me. I suppose sleeping in seperate bedrooms is the best thing to do for you." Maura sighed her looking down.

Seeing the sad look on Maura's face Jane knew she had broke her heart. Not long ago it was Maura who was refusing to share her bed with Jane, for the very same reason. She was scared not to control her sexual desire for Jane and as she knew she wasn't ready didn't want to put them in an embarrassing situation. Now that Maura wanted to share her bed with her Jane didn't because she afraid of not being able to control her sexual desires as well and because she had those violent urges that would probably push her to her Maura.

"I'm sorry, I'm so selfish..." Jane said cupping Maura's face with her hand.

"No, you're not. Its' the opposite, you're trying to make sure you won't hurt me. I miss you at night, but as long as we get to cuddle during the day, I should be fine, don't worry about it."

" Alright then, thank you."Jane replied kissing Maura's forehead.

"You're welcome. How about you go into the guest room and unpack so we can have dinner?"

"Alright, I'm starving, how about we get change relax for a little while and order something to eat?"

"Sounds lovely."

"Alright then, I'll come get you in a little while." Jane said kissing Maura .

"Alright." Maura nodded.

So Jane went to the guest room and started to unpack and took a quick shower, as she was sitting on her bed drying her hair Jane couldn't help but feeling guilty to put Maura trough this.

"_That woman loves me to a point I never suspected. I know she expect things to go smoothly while we're here and me to make progress. I hope that for once I will be able to give what she want. I'm the one who offered that we came here, so I have no bad excuse not to get better. Here it's just me and Maura. We can go where ever we want and to what ever we want to without feeling people's eyes on us or running into someone we know. Here we're completely free and god it feels good not to have to think about the guys and my mother. As much as I love them knowing that they visit Maura on regular basis and ask her about my progress makes me nervous. Here I can go at my own pace without feeling monitored. Maura is the only one I need , I know my friends and family love me and it's enough, I don't need them close. Maura's physical presence is the only one I need._" Jane said to herself.

In her bedroom Maura lied in bed for while thinking about Jane and her recovery.

"_Now that we're here away from her family and the public's eye she should be able to relax and start recover. God I hope she's going to start to get better. She made great progress over the past few weeks, but I still feel she could be further in her healing process. Obviously I never experienced what she went through, and I know every person heals differently. I know that she really wants to recover physically and emotionally. Now we talk about her fears but I feel that every time she opens up she takes backwards, not forward. Thinking about it, I know why. Her main fear is that she might hurt me and once she says it out loud it becomes more real and that's why she takes a step back. She's so focused on keeping herself under control because she thinks that she would hurt me if she let herself go that she doesn't express her anger and 's very I should let her mother take care of her. All her worries evolve around me, she so scared of hurting me that she doesn't progress..._"

After dinner Jane and Maura went to bed in separate room. Luckily they were both too exhausted by their road trip to think .

**So guys, I don't know last chapter was bad, but I didn't received the feedback I was hoping for.**

**Please tell me if you think I'm not realistic, what ever your feed back is, I need to hear it :)**

** I Just wanted to warn you drama is coming, now that I finished my main story I can focus on this one. Trust me it's not because Jane promised not to hurt Maura that she won't!I think Im gonna upload more often now!DRAMA IS COMING!**


	23. Pet

**Chapter 22:**

**Pet:**

The next day Jane woke up early and as usual found Maura in the kitchen making breakfast.

"I could really get used to that." Jane smiled as she entered the kitchen.

"You say that every morning." Maura laughed as she felt Jane's arms around her.

"Well I mean it, you're too good to be true." Jane replied kissing Maura's shoulder.

"How about you sit down it should only take a second."

"Alright."

As Jane was sitting waiting for her breakfast she couldn't help but marveling at her girlfriend's beauty, her curves, her hair, her smile, her heart, everything about her was perfect.  
>A few minutes later breakfast was finally ready when...<p>

_BZZZZZZZ _

"Sorry, I got to take that, it should only take a minute." Maura apologized as she stepped away to answer her phone call.

A few minutes later Maura was finally back.

"Who was that?" Jane asked .

"No one…"

"It didn't seem like no one. You sounded…you were giggling."

"No, I wasn't!" Maura objected blushing

"Alright, I don't want to argue with you, if you don't want to tell me, fine." Jane said standing up.

"Jane…"

"What?We all have secrets right? God knows I do, I can't expect you to share everything with me."

"Alright, please calm down. The person who I was talking to was a fellow medical examiner. He just returned from the annual Pathologist convention in New York and was wondering why I didn't attend." Maura replied trying to calm her down.

"Why does he care?"

"He cares because we've been friends for years, actually we did our residency together."

"Oh I see…"

"What's that suppose to mean?"

"Well the guy didn't have his usual annual fuck so he called to reschedule right?"

"What kind of woman do you think I am?"

"I don't know. You tell me."

"He's a friend Jane. He lives and practices in San Francisco. The only time of the year we get to meet is at the annual convention."

"So you never slept with him?"

"NO!He's married to his high school sweetheart and he's very very faithful, not to mention he's absolutely not my type. There is and was never anything between us."

"If you say so…"

"Sometimes I wonder how you see me, do you think I'm that promiscuous ?Do you really think that I have slept with all my males acquaintances ?"

"I don't know, but before we were together you were always bragging about all the guys you slept with so when you tell me you have an annual secret meeting with some guy, forgive me for thinking he's one of your fuck buddies."

"You really don't get me at all do you?"

"I guess I don't."

"I…I went through a period in my life where I experienced multiple sexual encounters, if you don't see why I behaved that way and if you think I'm some kind of easy lay, I don't know why we're even together."

"Maura.."

"No Jane, enough is enough, the life I chose to live before we were together is none of your business and I will not justify myself to you. First you got jealous of Maria now this. I had enough Jane. I understand you don't trust yourself, but I did nothing to deserve your behavior." Maura hissed turning her back on Jane.

"Don't you turn your back on me, we're not finished." Jane objected following her.

"Yes we are."

"No we're not." Jane groaned grabbing Maura's arm.

"What are you going to do Jane?Hit me?Punch me?Slap me to make sure I listen to what you have to say?" Maura said looking at Jane defying her to hit her.

"No, Maura…I …."

"You what?We're done here. You can either let me go or force me to stay and listen to you. Your choice."

"Maura don't do this."

"What?Come on Jane, you said it yourself, I'm a whore and I'm sure you think I need to be disciplined. Come on give me your best shot." Maura said pushing Jane to provoke her.

"Don't provoke me Maura, I don't want to hurt you." Jane replied feeling the anger rushing through her veins as she took a step back, unable to look at her in the eyes.

"I know you have that anger inside, just let it go…Come on, I deserve it." Maura said moving towards Jane…

Looking at Jane Maura knew she was about to explode . Maura knew that she was probably going to regret provoking her later but she knew that Jane needed to express her anger at some point. Maura knew that Jane was holding back, that she was containing and frustration inside because she didn't want to explode in her face. Unfortunately Maura knew that keeping all those negatives feelings inside was unhealthy. She knew that punching a heavy back and working out wasn't enough. Jane needed a target, something to focus her anger on, someone to blame and as much as she knew it would hurt Maura knew she had to allow Jane to express that anger.

Jane was standing there, her head down and her fists closed. She knew exactly what Maura was trying to do, she was trying to provoke her so she could express her anger and frustration. She knew she had to control herself, that this wasn't the way to let things out, but as she heard the words"Come on I deserve it" Jane suddenly saw his face. She felt like he was standing right in front of her, telling her that she deserved it, that she was a whore anyway who must have spread her legs for plenty of guys before. Jane knew that when she had a flashback she only thing that was able to bring her was Maura's face and voice, so she painfully looked at her, but all she could see was Maura's provocative look.

"I won't let you treat to me like that." Jane suddenly said as she violently pushed Maura against the wall.

"Like what?" Maura mumbled feeling Jane's arm pressing against her throat keeping her from breathing.

"Like I'm your pet. I AM NOT YOUR FUCKING TOY. YOU CAN NOT PLAY WITH ME AND PROVOKE ME LIKE THIS ." Jane hissed before pushing Maura away.

"Jane..." Maura let out as she violently hit the floor, her face first.

As Maura was lying on the floor her hand on her bloody nose, Jane was standing a few feet from her. Looking at her Maura understood she had opened Pandora's trunk and was praying that there was still hope deep inside Jane's heart and that she would come back from that violent outburst.

"Maura…" Jane said as she kneeled before her girlfriend trying to reach out to her.

"Don't touch me." Maura objected pushing Jane away crawling away to escape her.

It was her fault. Maura had provoked Jane to make her express her anger and she had succeeded above her expectations. Now Maura was lying on the floor her nose probably broken, scared of the woman she loved. She had willingly opened Pandora's trunk but had no idea it would hurt so much, both physically and emotionally…

Seeing the terror in Maura's eyes and the blood on her face Jane realized what she had done.

She attacked her again, but this time she wasn't able to control herself. This time she completely lashed out on the only person on earth she loved and who loved and supported her.

Jane sat there a few feet from Maura horrified by what she had just done. She just did what that monster did to her. She brutally attacked and hurt her. She became that monster.

Seeing the horror on her face Maura understood that Jane was back, that the outburst was over.

"Hey sweetie, it's okay, it barely hurts." Maura said crawling towards Jane, wiping the blood of her face with her sleeve.

"I…I…He….I saw him Maura, he was here…" Jane kept on repeating sitting on the floor her legs lifted up against her chest as she rocked herself backwards and forwards.

"Shhhh, everything is going to be okay, it wasn't your fault, I provoked you. I'm sorry." Maura said sitting next to Jane wrapping her arms around her shoulder .

"You're bleeding…Oh God, what I have done…" Jane cried out her head between her legs.

"Shhhh, you didn't do anything, he did this to you." Maura mumbled pulling Jane against her.

"He made me his pet, he provoked me so I would fight him, he liked it when I resisted."

"I know…" Maura said unable to breath.

As Maura was holding Jane, she could barely breath, her nose was filled up with blood and her head was spinning from when she hit her head on the floor.

"He made me his pet Maura, he…put a collar and a leech around my neck and he raped me from behind pulling the leech if I tried to escape." Jane managed to let out between two sobs.

Listening to Jane opening up Maura knew she had made the right choice. Yes her nose was probably broken but at least Jane was opening up. As far as she could remember Jane mostly opened up to her after having a bad dream or a flash back and lashing out on her. How sad was it that Maura had to provoke Jane and cause a flashback so Jane could let go and open up?Maura knew that there was so much she didn't know about what Jane went through and was hoping that Jane wouldn't completely shut down after hurting her like this.

**I know guys, intense right?Don't know what came through my mind ...Next chapter should be interested how will they behave towards each other after the tensions fall downs?I always reviews are welcome!**

**PS: A new story will be uploaded soon!**


	24. Relief

**Alright guys, I'm sorry It took me so long to upload :(**

**This chapter is going to be tough but revealing. I think you've all been patient and you deserve to be rewarded:**

**Chapter 24:**

**Relief:  
><strong>

After spending about thirty minutes on the floor holding each others, both women were finally calm. The violent outburst that had hit both of them was over but now it was time for reality to kick in.

"I'm so sorry Maura, please forgive me." Jane apologize noting the blood on her own shirt.

"It's okay, I provoked you. " Maura said as she stumbled trying to stand up.

"Here, I got you." Jane replied holding Maura helping her to stand up.

"Would you excuse me for a minute?I need to check that nose." Maura mumbled her hands cover in blood.

"It's probably broken. I should get you to the hospital and then shoot myself." Jane replied.

As she was examining Maura's nose the amount of blood that was covering both of them horrified them. She had done that. She hit Maura and made her bleed.

"It's not broken. I just need to clean it . I'll be fine." Maura replied stumbling towards the the bathroom.

The shock of what happened , made it hard for Maura to put herself together both psychologically and physically The loss of blood made her head spin and the imagine of Jane pinning her on that wall made her heart break into a million pieces.

Maura knew that by provoking Jane she was opening pandora's truck, but she didn't expect it to be so hard to handle both psychologically and physically.

"I…God…What have I done?"Jane to herself.

Now that Jane was calm she started to remembered what happened : she could picture herself pinning Maura on the wall, blocking her neck with her arms and throwing her on the floor. Once again she had been unable to control herself and that vision horrified her, how could Maura ever forgive her?Why was she saying she provoked her?

A few minutes later Maura was back in the living room and found Jane sitting on the couch sobbing.

"Is it broken?"

"No, it's not, it's going to look bruised for a few days, but I'll be fine." Maura replied her hand on Jane's back.

"I...should arrest myself, I don't deserve you, how can you be so calm after what I have done?"

"Jane look at me. I provoked you. I wanted you to lash out, to express your anger, you were right I played with you. I knew that you would only only open up after a flash back or a bad dream and I saw your jealousy as an opportunity to push you until you had a flash back."

"Oh, well it worked, I talked to you didn't I?"

"Yes you did, I'm sorry, I feel that I abused you, that I manipulated you to make you talk to me . I'm sorry."

"Baby don't apologize. I hit you and almost broke your nose. It doesn't matter if you provoked me, you didn't deserve this. I should be able to talk to you when I'm not in a catatonic state after a flashback…."

"I know. I should have been more patient, but I feel that you're holding so much inside, that you're controlling your physical frustration because you don't want to hurt me physically and that you don't talk to me because you don't want to hurt me emotionally. I couldn't take it anymore, I needed, I need to know what you went through, it's killing me Jane..Every night I have nightmares of what he did to you…I need to know…" Maura confessed tears streaming down her face.

"Alright, Alright, I'm gonna tell you everything, but please calm down."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't force you to confine into me if you're not ready or if you don't want to."

"I'm ready, I trust you and I know you can help me. You're right, I'm not confining into you because I want to spare you but I realize that I'm hurting you even more by keeping you in the dark. "

"Yes it is."

"I understand that if we both want to recover and If I want you to help me you need to know everything, God I don't even know where to start..."

"Take your time." Maura said holding Jane's hand.

"I remember getting out of work around 10 and walking through my car and feeling something heavy hitting the back off my head. When I woke up I was handcuffed to a radiator in a small room with only a mattress, not furniture. I remember that I could barely see, that my head was hurting so much that my vision was blurred. About an hour after I regained consciousness he arrived into the room. He kneeled in front of me, close enough so I could see his face. He must have drugged me because I couldn't move. I remember him saying : "Welcome to hell, don'y think you'll get out of here alive, but please fight. It makes things more exciting when you women fight." He waited for me to feel better and to have more energy and he handcuffed me. I remember that I immediately jump at his throat, but he just pushed me away like a piece of paper. He grew me on the mattress and over powered me. I tried to fight but he was way bigger and strong then me. I remember feeling his hands on my breast and in my pants. The first time he took his time. He said it was like taking a girl's virginity, that he liked to enjoy it. I fought as hard as I could, but I couldn't keep him from..."

"It's okay Jane, you don't have to continue." Maura whispered passing her hands through her hair.

"It's okay. I..fought but he raped me, it probably didn't last more than a few minutes but it felt like hours. After he was finished he drugged me. That was his things he drugged me to keep me quiet but he always like me fully awake and strong when he raped me. He enjoyed the fight. So he waited until the drug ceased to work and he raped me over and over. After a while I stopped fighting because I knew that was excited him, so he started cutting me. He had this pocket knife, he would just slowly cut into my flesh and hearing me scream and seeing my body react to the pain aroused him so much. Unfortunately I couldn't control the pain and my reaction to it. I can still hear him whispered in my hears "you're my pet now." When I close my eyes I can still see him on top of me, this evil smile on his face. The worse part was that he got bored easily, so when the cuts stopped turning him on he find another way to torture me. ... He...used objects to rape me. "

"Jane..."Maura sighed tears coming to her eyes.

"It's okay I need to say it. He...The first time he used a beer bottle. I thought having his dick inside me was the worth thing that could happen, but the objects, that was excruciating. I...tried not to resist and to relax. I tried to picture you, I closed my eyes and tried to hear your voice and picture your smile, but it didn't keep it from hurting."

"You have been so brave to survive this..."

"You helped me survive it. After he was done with me, I would just curled in a ball and think about you, imagining the things we've done together and the things I wanted us to together or the things I wanted to tell you. I knew that you would never forgive me if I had died. The worse part is that I prayed for him to get bored and to just stop, but I knew that once bored he would keep me. I wanted to give up so many times, but I knew that if I stopped fighting he would loose interest and kill me and I needed to keep him interest long enough for you guys to find me. I gave him what he wanted Maura : he wanted me to fight and I did."

"You did what you had to do to survive , you knew you needed to buy us some find to find you, so you did what you had to do to keep him interested. And besides you're a fighter, it's in your blood."

"I know, I like to think that I'm a fighter, but if I had found out that he liked quiet victims I would have stayed quiet long enough for you to find me."

"Exactly. I'm proud of you , you're right I would have never forgiven you for leaving me." Maura smiled.

"I know, I love you, being there, I started to re think our relationship and I promised myself that if I made it I would stop being a coward and ask you out. I just didn't know it would be so hard to be with you. "

"I know, I did the same thing, I would just lay in bed thinking all the things I wanted to say but I never had the courage to say to you and I promised myself to make up for the years we could have been together. "

"I just...I know therapy helps, talking about it helps. Right now telling you all this, I feel a bit relieved . I know that keeping it all inside me causes the nightmares because I just build up so much pain and anger inside and it just comes out at the moment I can't control those feelings : during my sleep. I know that talking about it will help me sleep better and that sleeping better is essential to my recovery that being in peace is crucial . Unfortunately I know that I'm damaged for life. Even if I manage to be more in peace with what happened to me, my therapist says that I will probably have some nightmares and remained scarred for the rest of my life."

"I know. I agree, nightmares are the way our mind has to express things we burry inside and refuse to talk about. Talking will certainly help you sleep better, but I also concur with your therapist assessment , you're probably won't get rid of the nightmares completely. You'll just need to have to learn to live with them, hopefully they'll become less frequent with time. "

"I know and I just can't continue on lashing out on you. From now on I will tell you everything, I promise."

"It's okay, I understand that there are certain things you're not ready to tell me and that there are some things you might never be able to tell me. All you need to know is that I'm here and I'm not going anywhere." Maura said pulling Jane against her.

"I know, my priority is to get rid of that anger and frustration and the only thing that makes me feel lighter is to talk about it. Unfortunately I know that there are so many things I need to work on after I get rid of the anger. I'm sorry." Jane sighed on Maura's chest.

"It's okay, we have all the time in the world, the most important thing is that we make progress and I think we just did. It doesn't matter I long it takes, we're going to take it one step at the time and we're going to get through this."Maura replied kissing the top of Jane's head.

After revealing some more troubling and heart breaking details about her abduction Jane felt much lighter. She always knew that the more she kept inside the more the anger and frustration would build up and the more nightmares she would have and the more violent she would be with Maura. Luckily she finally felt ready to confine in her. Unfortunately she knew that getting rid of the and frustration was only the first step towards recovery and she felt blessed to have someone so patient and forgiving as Maura to help her.

For the first time, Maura finally started to believe that Jane was making progress. After weeks of seeing Jane angry and frustrated she finally had hope. She knew that she would continue to make progress as long as Jane didn't keep her anger inside and instead confined in her. Just like Jane Maura was realistic enough to know that getting rid of the anger and frustration was only the first step of her recovery. Maura was confident that as long as Jane would continue talking to her she would sleep better and would feel more in peace and there fore she would make progress. She didn't care how long it would take because she knew she was going to spend the rest of her life with her.

**So guys, I know you wanted this for a long time. I hope you all understand what I tried to write here : Now that Jane started to give Maura more details she's going to feel liberated therefore she's going to sleep better and feel less frustrated and be less violent, and there fore will be able to make more progress. Does that make sense?**

**I feel that you lost interest over the past 3 chapters so if you want me to continue this story please give me some feedback!**

**There are so many step for them to take before living happily ever after :)**


	25. It's over

**Chapter 26:**

**It's over : **

A couple weeks later Maura and Jane were finally enjoying their vacation. After finally opening up Jane felt relieved and was not able to confine into Maura almost on daily basis. She kept on writing in her journal everyday and to talk to her therapist once a week. Things were actually so good that Maura asked Jane to share her bed with her. At first Jane was reluctant because she was still scared of hurting her, but Maura knew how to be convincing. After almost two weeks of sharing the same bed Jane only had one nightmare but didn't freak out when Maura tried to wake her up, instead she recognize her face and Maura was able to calm her down almost immediately.

Today was a sunday, the weather was fantastic and Maura was reading her book while Jane was playing with Joe Friday on the beach. Everything was like in a dream, until that one phone call.

"Maura Isles speaking. Are you sure?Oh God...Yes, I will tell her. I know I will try to convince her. I will call you back afterwards. Thank you." Maura said as she nervously hang up the phone as she saw Jane running towards her followed by the little dog.

"What's that look on your face?Did someone die?" Jane asked out of breath.

"Would you please sit down."

"What's going on?" Jane demanded as she sat in a long chair in front of Maura.

"Everything is going to be okay, I promise. Do you trust me?"

"Yes I do."

"Okay. Someone broke into our house. " Maura replied as she sat next to Jane.

"What?"

"Your mother came by this morning to feed Bass and the door was broken. She called Detectives Korsak and Frost immediately and when they came in they saw that everything was upside down." Maura explained her hand on Jane's thighs expecting a vivid reaction.

"It was him wasn't it?" Jane groaned feeling the anger running through her veins.

"Yes, he didn't take anything, Detective Korsak thinks he was probably looking for information, to see if he you could identify him that's why he waited for us to be gone. He knew he couldn't have come close to us while we were there."

"Because of the patrol car…"

"Yes. Detective Korsak wants us to go back to Boston he says that he can't protect us if we're here."

" God, he doesn't think that I can protect you anymore."

"No, he considers you as a daughter, you know that and he wants to be able to protect you and to help you. It's his paternal instinct that's speaking. It doesn't mean that he thinks you're not capable of defending yourself of protecting me."

"Good, because I'm not going anywhere."

"Jane..."

"No Maura, I mean it. I spent 3 weeks letting take control over my life, I'm done. I'm in charge now. If he wants to come after me than I will be waiting with my gun. "

"You brought a gun here?"

"Of course I did. I'm a cop I brought my gun everywhere I go. This is not my serve weapon but it's as good. I wouldn't hold it against you if you want to go back to Boston. Things could get ugly if he decides to come after us here."

"Jane, look at me. " Maura said cupping Jane's face with the palm of her hands.

"Let me guess, you're not going anywhere?"

"No, if he comes after you again, we'll face him together alright?"

"It's dangerous Maura, you'd be safer with Korsak."

"No, there is not a safer place in the world than next to you. I know you will protect me if anything happens." Maura whispered pressing her forehead against Jane.

"Yeah?Maybe you shouldn't trust me. I mean I'm still scared of him, I might freeze once in front of him."

"No you won't with me by your side to encourage you, you won't freeze. I trust you Jane, I trust you with my life."

"I would never let any one hurt you, I will shot him between the eyes if he even looks at you."

The truth Jane was scared to death of freezing once in font of him, but she knew that having Maura by her side to encourage her would make her stronger. She also knew that the visceral need to protect her would be more powerful than her fear and would push her overcoming it.

That night Jane and Maura went to bed early after making sure to secure every window and door expect for the entrance door. Jane had her 9 millimeter in her hand and was ready to use it if needed.

"You know I love you right?"Jane said stroking Maura's hair with her fingers as they were lying down in bed.

"I know, I love you too. Everything is going to be alright."

"Yeah, try to sleep, I'll stay awake." Jane said kissing the top of Maura's hand.

Maura who was scared to death closed her eyes but didn't fall asleep. She had that same feeling, the feeling that something terrible was going to happen tonight.

Around midnight Jane suddenly sat up in bed.

"Did you hear something?" Maura asked.

"Yes, in the kitchen. Stay here." Jane said as she bounced out of bed.

"I'm not letting you go by yourself." Maura objected following Jane.

"Okay but stay behind me and don't say a work.

So the two women slowly and quietly made their way to the kitchen on the ground floor, Jane her gun in her hand and Maura behind her.

As they entered the kitchen Jane immediately saw a shadow a few feet from them.

"BOSTON PD, POUT YOUR FUCKING HANDS IN THE AIR." Jane yelled as she turn on the light with her right hand and pointing her gun with her left hand.

"What do we have here?"The man said as she turned around without even fidgeting.

There he was : the man who kidnapped and raped and beat Jane up for 3 weeks, standing in Maura's kitchen a few feet from them.

"You fucking basterd, you made a mistake coming after us." Jane grunted feeling her throat dry and her pulse rising.

As Jane was standing a few feet from that monster, she wasn't scared. She was aiming at him strongly holding her gun her finger on the trigger . Maura was right, feeling her behind her, she felt stronger. She couldn't and wouldn't let him come near her. Right now she wasn't fighting for her safety but the safety of the woman she loved and no fear, no physical pain could ever make her fail protecting Maura.

"What are you gonna you, pet? Kill me?You don't have the guts. You never did and you'll never have." He mocked taking a step towards her.

"Don't tempt me, don't fucking move any closer!" Jane ordered looking him straight in the eyes.

For the first time she was actually able to look into his eyes and see him clearly. She wasn't drugged, physically diminished or scared so she could look at him straight at him in the eyes, aiming at him knowing she was in control.

"And what do we have here? Is that you dyke girlfriend?"

"Do not fucking talk to her like that."Jane said as she aimed at the monster's junk and pressed the trigger.

Insulting and threatening her was something she could handle but disrespecting Maura like that, that was too much.

"You fucking bitch, I'm gonna kill think what I did to you was bad, you've seen nothing yet ." The man said curled into a ball his hand pressuring his inner thighs.

Jane had shot him with her 9 millimeter and there was blood every where.

"YOU DO NOT GET TO TALK TO HER OR ABOUT HER LIKE THAT!" Jane roared as she violently kicked the man in his jaw.

As the man was lying down bleeding Jane suddenly remembered everything he put her through, every time he raped her, every time he put things inside of her. She remembered every cut, every word whispered in her ears to humiliate and scare her. Things were different now, she was the one overpowering him , with him at her feet in pain.

"YOU'RE DEAD!"

"OH YEAH!WHO S IN CHARGE NOW?" Jane mocked as she repeatedly kicked him in his stomach until he finally stopped moving.

Maura stood there petrified watching Jane finally having her revenge. She never saw her so angry and violent. Her eyes were filled up with blood and her voice was deeper than ever. She was out of breath and wouldn't stop kicking him. Maura knew that her alarm was linked to the police station and that they would be here any minute, but she knew she had to stop this knowing that Jane wouldn't forgive herself for killing him.

"Jane, he's unconscious now, you can stop." Maura said her hand on Jane's shoulder expecting her to push her away.

"Yeah, he won't hurt anyone ." Jane said aiming at his head.

"Jane, look at me. I know he hurt you, but killing him won't solve anything. Remember why you didn't kill Hoyt when you had the chance. This is not who you are." Maura said her hand on Jane's gun.

"This is who he made me." Jane said her finger on the trigger.

"No Jane, it's not. Look at me. I love you. It's over, he won't hurt you or anyone else. I promise." Maura said cupping Jane's face in her hand see in the pain and desperation in her eyes.

"He raped and torture for weeks Maura. I can't... I just..." Jane mumbled taking a few step back before falling on the floor like a rock.

"I know sweetheart, you're safe now." Maura whispered as she kneeled next to her and pulled her against her.

Watching the immobile body a few feet from them Maura knew it was over, he could never hurt her again, at least physically, but she knew that the psychological shock of confronting him could possibly hurt Jane and destroy all the progress she had made over the past few months.

A few minutes later the local police arrived at Maura's house with an ambulance and took the man who was barely alive away.

"Ma'am. Are you alright?" A female police officer said as she kneeled in front of them.

"I'm Detective Rizzoli, Boston PD." Jane mumbled whipping the tears of her face.

"We know, your partner Detective Korsak notified us. Can I please have your weapon?"

"Yes." Jane nodded handing her her gun.

"Do you need medical attention"

"No we're fine, he didn't hurt us. Do you need us to come to give you our depositions?" Maura asked holding Jane tight.

"No, your partner explained everything, this was clearly self defense. I won't arrest you and I seriously doubt the DA will press charges. Have some sleep and come to see us when you're ready. If you need anything just call me." The officer said handing her business card.

"Thank you officer."

Maura and Jane sat there against the wall for God knows how long. The fear of seeing him again, or him hurting Jane again was over, but the nightmare was far from being over. Holding Jane tight Maura realized the psychological impact this confrontation had on Jane. She knew Jane would need her more than ever now. Maura, as a medical examiner knew that there was going to be a trial, that Jane would have to face him and testify in open court of what he did to her and she knew would need all her support to face this challenge. She knew that the next few weeks or months would be excruciating that Jane would have to tell her story over and over in details, probably in more details that she did when she confined in her. She knew that Jane would have to relive everything single minute of the hell she lived in for 3 weeks and even if she one it was going to be excruciating she was hoping that having him send to prison for his crime would help Jane put this behind her once and for all.

**So guys, I know you wanted him to come back, she didn't kill him so there might be a trial at some point, I don't know yet. Confronting him was a good thing for Jane but recovery is still gonna be a long process. Now she's gonna have to deal with what happened and with an eventual trial and of facing him in court...That should be interesting.I feel confident, I'm inspired again for this story. As always your reviews are more than welcome!**


	26. What comes next?

**Chapter 26:**

**What's next?**

After spending a couple of hours on the floor holding each her Maura convinced Jane to go back to bed. Strangely Jane fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. Maura thought that Jane would have been highly disturbed by the recent events, but apparently it was the opposite, she had never seen Jane sleeping so peacefully.

The next morning Maura wake up around 7 am after only 4 hours of sleep. She slowly extracted herself from Jane's embrace and quietly made her way towards the kitchen. When she arrived downstairs and turned on the light, what she saw horrified her : there was blood everywhere. Maura was a medical examiner and had seen a lots of bloody crime scenes with often more blood than this, but knowing it happened in her kitchen and that Jane was responsible for it made things different.

Taking a deep breath Maura grabbed a bucket and some cleaning products under the sink, lifted up her sleeves, went down on her knees and started to rub the floor. She was scared that Jane would freak out if she woke up to this blood bath. Jane wasn't the violent type and the way she shot that monster only a few hours ago and the way she kicked him in the face and beat him until he couldn't move wasn't like her at all. Maura knew that for now Jane felt relieved and slept well because her mind was only focused on the out coming of last night events : she was finally safe. Unfortunately she knew that as soon as Jane would start going through last night's events in her head she would realize how violent she was and would probably feel terrible about and the last think she needed was to have a bloody picture in front of her. So Maura scrubbed the floor for over an hour until the blood finally disappear. Once she was finished she jumped in the shower hoping to get rid of the smell of bleach on her. As the water was streaming down her clothes Maura broke into tears. For the first time in months she was finally allowing herself to lash out. She always tried to remain strong and confident because Jane needed her to be, but the truth was that the past 3 months had been excruciating for her. For the past 3 months Maura stood by Jane accepting her violent, her anger, she forgave her when she hit her and almost broke her nose, she listened to her telling her about the way that bastard had raped and tortured her. She endured more for Jane that she ever thought was possible, physically and emotionally. Now it was all over, Jane was physically, so she could finally let go, for a little while at least. She knew that the next few months would be hard, especially if there was going to be a trial.

As Maura was trying to put herself together she heard knocking on the door.

"Are you alright?" Jane asked through the door.

"Yes, just give me a minute, I'll be right there."

When Maura finally came out a few minutes later wearing a robe and a towel around her head Jane was sitting in front on the bathroom waiting for her.

"Oh Jane, you shouldn't have waited for me, you should have started breakfast already."

"Yeah, that was the plan but it smells like bleech…"Jane said as she stood up helping her self with her hand on the wall.

"Yes, I had to clean up a bit. I opened the windows the smell shouldn't stay for long." Maura said as she passed next to Jane walking towards her bedroom.

"You didn't have to that, the police department would have send a cleaner you know…" Jane said feeling guilty that Maura had to put her hands in that monster's blood.

"It's alright, I don't mind blood." Maura as she sat on her bed and grabbed her hair dryer in the drawer of her night table.

"I'm sorry about last night, I….I don't know what got into me. "

"Don't apologize, you were only protecting us against that monster."

"Yes, but I lashed out on him, that's not like me…I just…saw him and everything he did to me rushed into my mind. I started to picture him inside me, his hands on me and I just lost it. I'm sorry if I scared you." Jane said looking down palming her face with her hand.

"You didn't scare me Jane, you expressed all the anger you had been feeling for him for months. It doesn't make you someone bad." Maura said rubbing Jane's back trying to comfort her.

"I wanted to kill him Maura, if you hadn't stopped me I know I would have."

"No you wouldn't because you're nothing like him. You believe in justice and he's going to get punished for what he did to you."

"I don't know if I'm ready for that. I mean I had lost hope that we would catch him so I never really considered what would happen if we did. How am I suppose to testify in open court?Talking to you is one thing but telling everything he did to me to a jury, a judge, court reporters, that's another thing."

"Then we'll work on it. We're going to take this one step at the time. We're going to face is as a team like we always do."

"I just…feel like it's never going to be over you know. I don't know if I have it in me to face this Maura, I just want it to be over."

"I know , so do I. I know the idea of telling your story to a court is painful but I'll be there everyday to support you. All you'll have to do is look at me to know that you're loved and that you're never going to be alone. I'll be there for you Jane until it's finally over and after that for the rest of my life. I love you ."

"I know, I love you too. I don't want to ask you more than you already did. "

"You're not asking, I'm offering. Now would you please blow my hair?" Maura asking bating her eye lashes.

"Yeah, I'll blow your hair." Jane replied turning the air drying on.

After getting ready the two women went back downstairs to have breakfast. As the bleach smell was still persistent they decided to have breakfast on Maura's terrace.

As the two women were enjoying a quiet breakfast Jane was obviously preoccupied. Maura knew her well enough to know that she was probably replaying last night's events in her head and imaging what was coming next.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I was just thinking…"

"Care to share?"

"I…we have to go to the station, they probably identified him. I know how this works, Maura. He was stupid enough to go after a cop so Boston's DA is going to ask for his extradition and as he's going to ask for a fast trial, I wouldn't be surprised If I had to testify in a few weeks."

"First of all we should ask the police if he's alive, you did shoot him in his thighs, from the amount of blood he lost it's possible you hit an artery. "

"Right, with his luck, he's probably still alive. I know that as soon as the DA asks for his extradition things are going to move fast…I'm not sure I'm ready for that."

"Jane look at me, you've come that far, I'm sure you can take that next step. Last night you look at me straight in the eyes you aimed your gun at him and you didn't even blink."

"He threatened you Maura, he looked at you the way he used to look at me, he wanted to hurt you and that was his mistake. I would never let anyone threaten you and live to tell the story."

"I know. You felt that I was in danger and your instincts took over your fear. You were in charge, you were the one controlling the situation and it will be the same thing in court. He won't be able to hurt you, but you will be able to put him behind bars for the rest of his life."

" I know. The worse part is I'm sure the judge would agree to hear my testimony in his chambers instead of the court room, but if I do that I admit that I'm scared of him and I don't want to give him that satisfaction you know."

"Then you're going to go in that court room and answer the questions the DA or the defense attorney will have for you and I will be right there sitting in the front row to support you."

"How did I get so lucky?" Jane smiled, leaning over kissing Maura.

"I don't know…."

"Seriously, any woman I know would have left me. I mean I lost my patience with you so many times both verbally and physically. I physically hurt you Maura, I don't know how you can still love me after that."

"I still love you because I know this is not who you are. The simple fact that you're feeling so guilty about it proves it. You're the most caring and kinder person I know. Things are going really well things you started to talk to me, don't you think?"

"Yes, I have to admit that being able to finally let everything out brought so much relieve to me, but I have so many things that I need to work on. I mean things won't be over even once he's put behind bars, I still have a long way to go."

"We have the all the time in the world for that."

After breakfast Jane and Maura drove to the police station to give their statements. As they arrived in front of the entrance door Jane stopped.

"Everything is going to be alright. You're safe now." Maura said grabbing Jane's hand.

As Maura and Jane walked towards the officer's desk Jane felt like everybody was watching her. This was a small town the entire station was probably aware of what he put Jane through, especially since she was a fellow cop.

"Detective Rizzoli, Dr Isles, thank you for coming please have a sit." The officer said.

"Thank you, so is he alive?" Jane asked biting her lips hoping he was.

"Unfortunately he his, the bullet didn't hit any major artery so the surgeon were able to repair the damages."

"Have you identified him yet?" Maura asked still holding Jane's hand.

"Yes we have. His name is Kyle Butler he was just released off prison 6 months ago for kidnapping. and torturing his wife. Apparently she refused to testified so he only got 10 years."

"Oh God…Is she save?" Maura said horrified to imagine that another woman could have went trough the same torture.

"She died in a car accident a year ago. Here's a picture of her, you'll understand why he came after you." The officer said handing a picture to her.

"She…she looks like me. " Jane said handing the picture to Maura.

"Yes the resemblance is troubling. "

"I know, so I was contacted by your DA and he's going to ask for an extradition to Boston where he will charge him for what he did to you."

"He's never going to be free again." Maura smiled.

"No, he won't. Have you send someone check his house in case he had another woman there?"

"Yes I believe your partners are searching the premises as we speak. Dr Isles is right you're safe now and he's going to get what he deserve."

"So you're not going to charge me?"

"No, it was self defense, don't worry about it."

"Thank you. Well I think we have to go back to Boston. I'm sorry..."

"Don't apologize, those vacations were wonderful and besides with the kind of injuries he has to recover from he won't be transferable for at least a few days, we have time alright?"

"Okay. Thank you Officer for everything." Jane said shaking the officer's hand.

"No, thank you for being such a good example of strength and courage. If you need anything just call me ."

"We'll do." Jane nodded.

After that Jane and Maura went directly home. Maura was tempted to offer a walk on the beach with Joe Friday but she knew that Jane needed quiet time by herself to think about what was coming next. She knew that as strong and willing as Jane was to see him behind bars and even if she didn't show any fear last night she was still scared of him and that testifying, having to look at him in court would be hard. She knew that Detectives Korsak and Frost were searching Butler's house and that Jane would probably want to go back there as a way of confronting her fears and that would probably bring the nightmares and some flashbacks. She knew that the worse was probably still to come but Maura was ready, they've come that far together and there was not reason for her to quit on Jane now that she needed her the most.

As they stepped into their bedroom Maura rapidly took her shoes off and walked towards the bed thinking that Jane would probably want to lie in bed and cuddle for a while.

As she was standing in front of their bed ready to climb on it she suddenly felt Jane's arms around her.

"I love you." Jane whispered kissing the back on Maura's neck.

"So do I." Maura replied turning around to face her.

As Maura was facing her only a few inches from her Jane looked deep into her eyes and reminded herself of how lucky she was to have such a supportive and loving woman in her life. Maura deserved so much better than the hell she had been making her live in for the past months. Things were getting better since they arrived on vacation but Jane felt the need to show Maura her gratitude and her love in a way she never felt ready for until now. Taking a deep breath Jane gently pushed Maura on the bed and climbed on top of her.

"I want to make love to you." Jane said looking deep into Maura's eyes wandering her fingers on her chest...

**I know guys, cliffhanger again...yes hate me...Please forgive me, I just need a little more time to write the love sex. It's not going to be a regular love making session as you can imagine...As always show me your interest by giving me feedback, if you want more!**


	27. lying

**Alright guys this chapter is scary it even scared me, I'm expecting bad reactions on it, feel free to criticize me as much as you want!**

**Chapter 27:**

**Lying.**

"I want to make love to you." Jane said looking deep into Maura's eyes wandering her fingers on her chest...

As Maura heard those words her heart stopped beating. Was she dreaming or did Jane just told her she wanted to make love to her. In a split second a multitude of opposites feelings rushed into Maura's heart. On one hand she was happy and proud that Jane felt ready but on the other hand she couldn't forget what Jane told her about her fantasies. She remembered that Jane confessed that she fantasized making love to her controlling her as a way of regaining control over her own body. She remembered that Jane was scared of that fantasy because she was afraid of hurting her, she even pronounced the Rape word. Maura knew that she had to react fast and appropriately, she couldn't push Jane away and take the risk of sending her back 10 steps backwards but she couldn't just strip down like that without talking about it first.

"So do I." Maura replied palming Jane's face gently stroking her cheek.

Being below Jane she could see in her eyes how scare Jane was, she saw fear, desperation but also love in those beautiful big brown eyes and knew that she would need to help her through this. The thing was Maura was scared, probably more than Jane. Over the past few months she learned what action or word triggered Jane's hanger or flashbacks and what to say to bring her back. Unfortunately she didn't know what making love would do to Jane, what word or movement would make her loose her mind. She knew would never want to hurt her but this situation was unknown to both of them and they needed to be careful.

"I …. I don't want to hurt you." Jane mumbled as she made a noise close to a sob.

"I know you want, I trust you. Tell me what you need."

"I don't know…I'm sorry this wasn't a good idea." Jane replied rolling on Maura's side.

"No, don't say that, we talked about it before. You said you felt the need to take control to regain control over your body, do you still feel the same?"

"Yes. I used to have those desires of physically controlling and overpowering you because I felt I lost control when he took me. Unfortunately even if I feel more in control over my life and body since I put him down I still have those violent urges. I'm sorry, there's a high chance I'm going to go rough on you."

"I understand . If you really want to do this we need to take our time. Do you trust me?"

"I do…I just don't know how we're supposed to do this."

As Jane was curled in a bowl Maura could see how lost Jane was. Her desire to make Maura happy and to give her a normal relationship was heartbreaking. Maura knew she wasn't ready but rejecting her would certainly not help Jane with her self confidence. Maura needed to Jane to make love again, to open herself physically and sexually just like she opened herself emotionally.

"Let me teach you." Maura said stroking Jane's face with the back of her hand.

"I don't want you to touch me, it's going to hurt." Jane whimpered petrified .

Even if Jane's internal tearing were now healed it she knew it would hurt both physiologically and physically . She knew that Maura would be gentle and would never push her or abuse her but Jane was terrified imaging Maura inside of her.

"Then I won't touch you. I can just lie on my back and let you explore my body if it makes you more comfortable."

"No, I want us to share, I know I said I didn't want you to touch me but it's selfish, I want to try. Can you promise you'll be gentle?"Jane begged tears in her eyes.

"Of course baby, I would never hurt you. I'll be as gentle as you need me to be. Would you like me to close the curtains?"

"No, you've seen my scars already." Jane said turning her head swallowing hard.

Looking in Jane's eyes Maura knew she needed her to take the first step, to show her the way. So Maura her arms across Jane's belly started to gently kiss her neck massaging it softly with her warm lips. She then moved towards Jane's lips and started to brush them with her tongue until Jane finally opened her mouth granted her access. As gently as she could Maura started to massage Jane's tongue drawing circles around it. As the two women were kissing Jane was tensed, lying on her back her head slightly turned towards Maura,her arms unfold along her body, fists closed grabbing the blanket under her..

"I love you." Maura murmured as she gently rub her nose against Jane's.

"I love you too." Jane whimpered in a sob.

Seeing and feeling Maura's love Jane started to relax and spontaneously started to kiss Maura more passionately this time. Her breathing was much rougher, she really wanted to do this, to show Maura she trusted her. As they were kissing Maura started to gently open Jane's shirt revealing her bare skin full on scars from her chest to her lower belly. Far from being disgusted by those scars Maura started to wander her eyes on Jane's torso, outlining each single one of them with the tips of her fingers making Jane fidget instantly.

"It's okay Jane, you're beautiful, every single square centimeter of your body is beautiful." Maura muttered kissing Jane's forehead as she continued to wander her hand.

Feeling her lover's hand caressing her body Jane's slowly started to relaxed, finally losing the grip she had on the blanket under her.

As she felt Jane finally started to relax Maura was expecting her to ask her to undress as well or to at least try to open her shirt but she didn't. At first Maura thought Jane didn't want to see her naked but then she realized that Jane was waiting for Maura's permission to touch her.

"I want you to touch me Jane." Maura said as she took Jane's hand placing it on her.

Taking Maura's request as an order Jane started to clumsily unbutton Maura's shirt. As Jane finally finished opening Maura's shirt she couldn't help but staring at Maura's breast. She had seem them before when Maura change in front of her, but she never saw them so closely.

"You like what you see?" Maura smile well aware that her breasts were one of her most precious assest.

"Yes." Jane nodded as she cupped Maura's left breast gently rubbing it with her thumb.

"Oh…" Maura cooed feeling every single hair on her body rising.

Feeling Maura shivering under her touch Jane started to feel a bit more confident and started to kiss her.

Lying on their bed shirtless but still wearing their bras the two women spent a long time kissing wandering their hand on each other's torsos. Feeling Jane caressing her belly Maura started to feel excited, every stroke of Jane's fingers on her skin made her desire her even more.

"I want you to trust me now Jane, okay?" Maura said looking straight into Jane's eyes.

"Okay…" Jane replied, her voice trembling, anticipating what Maura had in mind.

Maura could see in her eyes that Jane was scared but she also knew that Jane need to be guided that she wasn't going to tell her what she wanted.

So gently without stopping kissing her Maura rolled on top of Jane.

"I love you, everything is going to me okay. I promised." Maura said .

"I trust you." Jane said as she unhooked Maura's bra.

Right now Jane need to feel Maura's body on her, to feel her warm skin caressing hers. Smiling to herself at Jane's gesture Maura took her bra off and started ghosting kissing on Jane's neck on the way down to her belly. Pressing her lips against her skin blowing kissing on Jane's scars Maura had to fight not to burst into tears. Now that Jane had told her about the nightmare that monster put her through she could picture him on top of her cutting her laughing sarcastically as the blade penetrated her flesh. She needed to be strong and also carefully, she know well enough that one single second woes enough to set Jane back into a flashback . She knew what she was capable off during those rare moments where her broken mind took her back there in that cave.

Feeling Maura's mouth and tongues on her chest and her belly Jane didn't close her eyes because she knew that if she did she would see him. Instead she looked down at Maura stroking her hair with her fingers. Jane was uncomfortable but she wanted to please Maura and to really give it a try so she let Maura continued and slowly it started to feel good.

From where she was Maura could see Jane's chest rising and falling more slowly and slower as Jane started to relax.

After drawing circles around Jane's belly button for quite a long time Maura knew she needed to take things to the next level. She was scared because she knew that if Jane was to have an uncontrollable reaction it would be when she would move towards her folds. Knowing that Jane would want to look at her in the eyes Maura made her way up and started to kiss Jane's as she gently unbutton Jane's pants.

"Is this okay?" She asked her hand on Jane's belly.

"No it's not but please continue."

"No, we don't have to do this if you're not ready."

"I want to, but I want you to continue kissing me please."

"Alright but stop me if you don't feel comfortable ."

"I will."

Heart broken of seeing the woman she loved being in such pain Maura slowly unzipped Jane's pants and slid her hand inside her panties.

As she felt Maura's hand moving inside her pants towards her folds Jane wanted to cry but she forced herself not to knowing that Maura would stop if she did.

"You're so beautiful." Maura whispered as she finally reached Jane's folds.

Feeling Maura's hand between her legs Jane started to shake uncontrollably .

"It's okay baby, shhh, I love you." Maura repeated as she started to gently caress Jane's entrance with her middle finger, brushing it with her finger tip.

As she expected it Jane wasn't excited at all, unlike her she wasn't wet. Knowing that was perfectly normal and far from being discouraged or offended Maura continued the stimulation this time focusing her attention on Jane's clit. She gently started to stroke Jane's clit with her thumb.

Unfortunately that was Jane's limit.

"No, it hurts please don't do this." Jane begged bursting into tears.

"Hey, please don't cry. God I'm sorry." Maura said as she immediately removed her hand and placed it on Jane's belly.

"I'm a bad pet, I shouldn't complain like that, I'm sorry master, please continue."

Hearing those words Maura's heart broke into pieces, she knew Jane was there back in that cave and she needed to get her back.

"Jane, it's me, I'm not your master, I won't hurt you I promise, come back to me " Maura implored looking at Jane straight in the eyes.

"Maura, I'm…I'm sorry. I…"

"Shhh, don't apologize, I understand it still hurts. I shouldn't have pushed you." Maura sighed as she blew a tender kiss on Jane's forehead knowing that their little experiment was over.

"But you're…excited right?"

"Yes, but you're not. It's alright we can try again later."

"No, I want to make love to you now." Jane said as she pushed Maura aside climbing on top of her.

"Jane. Please calm down. I didn't mean to offend you. I just don't want to hurt you." Maura mumbled feeling Jane's disapproval.

"I just want you to be satisfied please let me do this." Jane said as she unbuttoned Maura's pants and took it off.

"Okay." Maura nodded scared but hoping that Jane was in control of her emotions.

She didn't want Maura to touch her this time so she placed her hands above her head. Feeling that Jane needed to feel in control Maura didn't complain and closed her eyes knowing that there was a high chance that Jane might be a little bit rough with her. She needed to completely let go and Maura understood it and was willing to accept everything.

As Maura felt Jane's tongue on her skin and her fingers caressing her erected nipples Maura found herself more and more excited, she knew she was going to get pleasure out of this but also probably some pain, but if it helped Jane then it was worth it.

As she was now wandering her hands on Maura's body Jane could feel that her lover's breathing was heavier . She knew that she was getting more and more excited so without warning she slid her hand into Maura's panties and trusted to fingers inside of her causing Maura to arch her back in surprise.

"God you feel good." Jane said as she pushed a third finger inside of Maura.

Maura was wet but not wet enough to welcome tree fingers inside her. As she felt Jane thrusting inside and out of her pushing harder and deeper each time Maura felt like a different person was penetrating her. This wasn't the loving and caring Jane she loved and it hurt, both emotionally and physically.

Unaware of Maura pain and discomfort Jane continued to plunged her fingers inside and out Maura's folds.

Determined not to stop Jane who was finally letting go Maura, swallowing her pride and and the pain tried to relax.

Unwilling to let Maura come too soon Jane slowed her thrust down and gently pulled out on finger that she started to use to stimulate Maura's clit. As she felt Jane's fingers rubbing her clit, relieved that Jane pulled out one of her fingers Maura started to enjoy herself . As she felt the juice coming out Maura's folds streaming down her hands Jane smiled internally knowing that Maura was enjoying herself.

"You feel so good inside me baby." Maura whispered in Jane's ear encouraging her.

Feeling Maura closing her legs around her hands and arching her back Jane thought that Maura was close to climax so she plunged a third finger back inside of her.

The ugly truth was Maura was still in pain. Yes she was wet because of the stimulation of her clitoris but she was tight and she wasn't wet enough to welcome that third finger again without feeling pain.

"You like it baby?" Jane asked her voice deep.

"Yes, I think I'm going to come, don't stop." Maura said bitting her lip.

Her ego boosted by Maura's words Jane continued to thrust in and out of her deeper and harder every time until she felt Maura's inner muscles contraction around her hand. Seeing Maura arching her back thinking that she was finally climaxing Jane stayed inside her, as deep as she could. Maura hold her breath and contracted her inner muscles as hard and as long as she could than stimulated the perfect orgasm. Yes Dr Maura Isles was faking, as ugly and dishonest as it was she lied to Jane for the time since they met and it felt terrible, but not as awful as feeling her vagina burning from Jane's thrusts.

As she felt Maura's inner muscles finally relaxing Jane pulled out her hand and looked into Maura's eyes.

"God you're beautiful, I love you, thank you for this." Jane said as she started to kiss her.

Feeling Jane's lips on her Maura wanted to push her away but she couldn't, she needed to maintain the illusion a little longer.

Exhausted after giving herself to Maura completely Jane slid next to her and wrapped herself around her as Maura turned on her Jane's breath on her back Maura started to cry. Luckily for her Jane fell quickly asleep drained of all her energy…. Today Maura had lied to Jane. She did it because what Jane needed most is to regain her self confidence and to also feel in control even if it meant being a little rough on her. Ever since Jane confessed her fantasy to her Maura knew making love to her would be a challenge and she had anticipated that she wouldn't particularly enjoy herself and it was okay. Jane felt more confident and that was all that mattered, even if it hurt inside…She was hoping that with time Jane would feel more confident and would start to be more gentle so that she wouldn't have to fake pleasure or that she would get used to the roughness. Maura couldn't lie and she knew how devastating it would be for Jane to learn that she faked and she didn't want to have to face her if she discovered the truth.

**I know guys this was hard to read, trust me it was hard to write…At first I wanted it to go smoothly but I figured it wouldn't be realistic. From testimonies I received Jane wouldn't be able to have sex normally the first time, but at least she tried. We all knew it wasn't going to be easy right?And Yes Maura faked, get over it lol… I don't know yet if Jane is going to continue to be rough or if she's going to feel more confident and therefore be more gentle or maybe she's going to figure out that Maura had been faking, dunno yet… I expect a lot of feedback on this chapter. I wrote it in one time in like 2 hours…I hope it was good. Please tell me exactly how you feel about this chapter, it's important !The next few chapter will focus on their sex life so feedback is a must!thanks!**


	28. sacrifice

**Chapter 28 :**

**Sacrifice:**

About two around later Jane woke up her arm still wrapped around Maura's waist.

Maura hadn't moved an inch since Jane had fallen asleep. She was on her left side curled in fetal position. She spent the past two hours trying to make sense out of what happened. She knew allowing Jane to make love to her this way was helpful but she felt guilty that she lied to her. It took her months to gain Jane's trust and by lying to her she had destroyed all they had accomplished for the past few months. Now Maura knew she could either tell Jane the truth and risk making her mad or she could continue to lie, scarifying her own well being hoping that things would get better. She hated having to lie to Jane but she knew the truth would terrify her, she knew Jane could barely live with the fact that she hurt her physically in the past and that she would never be able to forgive herself for hurting her while they had sex. So Maura knew that even if it hurt she had to continue to lie to her, for her own good and because she didn't want to destroy the progress they had made. She knew how impulsive Jane was and she was a bit scared of the physical reaction Jane could have after been given such a revelation.

As Jane slowly opened her eyes, she took a few seconds to marvel at Maura's beauty and gently blow kisses on her shoulder.

"Hey beautiful." Jane whispered kissing the back on Maura's neck.

"You're awake?"Maura said turning around to face her.

Facing Jane wearing nothing but her panties Maura felt to vulnerable. Seeing the look in Jane's eyes she knew that she wanted her again, so soon.

"Yes, I'm sorry for falling asleep like that, I was just …drained you know…" Jane said wandering her hand on Maura's belly.

"I know. It was quite intense." Maura mumbled swallowing hard feeling her hair rise on her body under Jane's touch.

"It was, thank you it was wonderful. Thank you for letting me do it my way, I know I was a bit rough on you. I hope I didn't hurt you too much…"

Hearing those words Maura realized that Jane knew that she had been rough on her and that she had hurt her. It felt like a relief that Jane was aware of the roughness of her touch because Maura really didn't see herself lying to her. Even if she now knew there was no reason to lie to Jane Maura still felt compelled to spare her and ot minimize her action.

"It was…uncomfortable at first because you took me by surprise, but it got really enjoyable afterwards don't worry." Maura replied.

"Uncomfortable or painful?"

"Jane, look at me. You didn't hurt me. I just wished you would have taken your time, but I understand the urge. "

"I'm sorry, I just…I don't know I wanted you and I guess I just took you right on the spot. It was almost like a pulsion you know, something I couldn't control. I didn't really asked you what you wanted…"Jane realized shaking her head feeling guilty for being so selfish and out of control .

"You didn't need to, you gave me what I wanted."

"Don't say that, please don't lie to me like that. I was rough with you, I know that. You deserve better, God I freaked out on you, you were gentle, you were doing everything right and I freaked out and took it out on you." Jane replied rising her voice palming her face with her hand unable to look at Maura.

"We knew it would happen. We knew that by letting me touch you, you might have a flashback and you did. I was prepared . "

"Were you expecting me to hurt you ?"

"Yes, I thought that if you have a flashback you would completely lose your mind, but you didn't, you were a little rough, but not violent. I wanted you to let go and you did, I'm proud of you." Maura said shyly wrapping her arms around Jane's waist resting her head on her chest.

Yes Maura had expecting the worse and to her big surprise Jane wasn't as rough as she feared she would be, but it still hurt, a lot.

"I wish I could let go without being rough or by letting you touch me…"

"It's a process and it's going to take time. I really want to help you so if you need me to do anything please let me know."

"I don't know Maura, I must say I enjoyed being rough, I'm sorry."Jane shamefully admitted...

"Don't, I enjoyed it too . What I didn't enjoy was the fact that it happened so fast. If we use a little foreplay first rough sex can be extremely enjoyable."

"Could you be more perfect?" Jane smiled cupping Maura's face gently brushing her gorgeous lips with her thumb.

By minimizing Jane's roughness and by being so understanding Maura knew she was exposing herself to more pain.

When Jane told her she actually enjoyed being rough with her, Maura's heart broke into pieces, but what could she do?Jane needed to express her anger and she had to stand by her no matter how painful it was gonna be. The only thing Maura could do was to try to make Jane take her time, to try to control things a bit more so she could be physically prepared. Actually Maura didn't lie, rough sex could be highly enjoyable if done with the proper foreplay. Unfortunately Maura knew that no matter the amount of foreplay Jane would use before making love to her roughly that she would never appreciate it and would be in pain because she would always have their first time in mind. Their first time was supposed to be wonderful but instead it was painful and Maura didn't know how long she would have to take it in silence before Jane could make love like the wonderful and affectionate woman she really was...

Jane on the other hand was delighted to see how understanding with her. SHe knew that she had hurt her, but was amazed by how loving and supportive Maura was. Jane knew that it must have taken every bit of love and strength Maura had to just lie there and take it without flinching. She felt guilty and knew that Maura deserved better but didn't know if she would ever be able to be the lover she deserve. She knew that what happened would happen again, especially if Maura accepted it because she knew she couldn't control herself. She felt this need, this urge to be rough with her . Jane knew she would probably never be able to make it up to Maura for everything she had put her through but knew she ought it to her to do everything she could to get better hoping that she would be able to make her happy soon. Yes Jane hated herself for being the way she was, but she knew that she had to go trough this if she wanted to get better. She knew that if she denied how she felt including her rough impulses that she would never get better. Fortunately she was with the most incredible woman on the face of the planet and her love, compassion and passion gave her the strength to get better and one day hopefully have a happy relationship with her.

**I know, short but intense update. I know I promised to upload more and I will. I just got inspired with my other story.**

**So Jane hates herself for being like this but she knows she has to go through this violent face if she wants to get better, that denial only makes things worse. I think Maura's support and the desire to stop hurting her will encourage her to get better.**

**If you don't want me to continue this story please mention it:)**

**I think if I continue this story I want to focus on Jane's sexual healing and on the trial...**


	29. pride

**Chapter 29:**

**Pride.**

Two days after putting the monster that hurt her down Jane and Maura decided to drive back to Boston. Jane knew that the DA had requested his extradition and she didn't want to hide. Even if she knew it would be excruciating, she wanted to face him in court and was determined not to let him control her life anymore.

As they were almost arrived in Boston Maura started to feel anxious. She was obviously proud that Jane felt strong enough to face that monster and to testify in court but she also knew how hard this was going to be for Jane.

She knew that testifying to a jury and to the DA would be completely different from talking to her or her therapist, that for Jane it would be as painful as talking about it for the first time. Even if Maura was still both physically and emotionally hurt by their sexual encounter she was determined to stay by her side hoping that this trial would be the last challenge they would have to face. Maura loved Jane with all her heart and all her soul and she understood Jane's desire to finally let go right after putting him down but she was still hurt and didn't know how much more pain she could take. She wanted Jane to heal and she knew she wouldn't be able to without her so she took it upon her to swallow her pride and her pain and stand by her as long as Jane needed, hoping that when this would be over their relationship wouldn't be too damaged.

"Can we please stop by the station first?I want to see the guys." Jane asked As they were approaching Jane's apartment.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I've been avoiding them for months. It's time."

"Okay."

So Maura drove past Jane's apartment and continued towards the station. After 4 months of avoiding seeing her partners Jane was finally ready to see them.

Maura knew Jane enough to know that what encouraged Jane to make such a decision was the fact that they had probably searched that monster's place and that she wanted to know everything about their findings.

As they were in the elevator holding hands Maura could feel Jane's hands shaking.

She knew that under her strong appearance Jane was scared to death. She was scared of the way her colleagues would look at her picturing everything that monster did to her. She knew how proud Jane was and couldn't stand being seeing as weak and helpless. She had fought her entire career to be seen as one of the guys and respected as an officer of the law and she knew that what happened to her would change the way they saw her.

As they passed the morgue Maura suddenly pressed the button to stop the elevator.

"What's wrong, you wanna stop at the morgue?" Jane asked surprised.

"No, I just wanted to tell you that I love you and that you don't have anything to prove to me or anyone else." Maura said looking straight into Jane's eyes.

"I know, nobody is asking me to do this, but I want to. If I want to recover I need to face him and stay close to the investigation. I know it's going to be hard for you, but I need you, please." Jane replied resting her forehead against Maura's.

"I know, and I'm not going anywhere." Maura sighed knowing how hard the next few months were going to be.

As the two women stepped into the squad room all eyes were immediately focused on them.

Feeling all those eyes on her Jane was uncomfortable, she could almost hear them thinking" Poor Rizzoli, she went through hell, she's never going to recover."

Walking towards Frost and Korsak Jane was squeezing Maura's hand as hard as she could, trying to breath and to be brave.

"Jane." Korsak said as she walked towards her partner.

"Hey."Jane replied feeling her partner's arm around her.

Feeling Korsak's paternal arms around her Jane felt her legs abandoning her, she could barely stand. Korsak and her have been through a lot over the years. Not only he had taught her everything he knew saved but he saved her from Hoyt and loved her like her daughter.

"How are you holding up?" Korsak asked seeing the emotion on the younger woman's face.

"Good, can we talk?"

"Straight to business." Korsak joked pulling Jane appart.

"Yes. How did the search go?" Jane said as she sat next to Maura at Korsak's desk.

"Good, we didn't find any other victims. We did everything by the book don't worry. The DA asked for an extradition, he should be transported when his medical condition allows it."

"Good." Jane nodded.

"I talked to his surgeon and he should be able to travel in two weeks."

"I'm sure the DA is gonna want to charge him immediately and to start the trial as soon as possible. Actually he asked that you visit him as soon as you feel up to it."

"I'll go tomorrow. Thank you for everything you've done for the past 4 months. I know I haven't showed my gratitude but I'm grateful to have you guys. I know you never gave up."

"You don't have to thank me, we did what we had to do to protect and help you. You should go home now and rest, you'll need all your strength to face the next few weeks."

"Yes, Maura, do you mind waiting for me in the car?"

"Why?You know you can talk in front of me." Maura frowned.

"I know, but there are some things Korsak and I need to discuss in private, please."

"Okay..." Maura sighed knowing exactly what Jane wanted to ask Korsak.

As Jane was watching Maura walk away she couldn't help but wishing she didn't have to drag her into this, but unfortunately she knew she couldn't do this without her.

"I know what you want to ask me that you can't ask me in front of her and the answer is no." Korsak said trying to convince himself that he could refuse her what she wanted.n

"Why?I can do it Korsak, I'm strong enough."

"I know you're strong enough, but I don't want to put you through unnecessary pain. Tomorrow you're going to talk to the DA and tell him your story, and that's only the start."

"I know but I need to do this, I need to go back there and to see it from my own eyes before the trial start and I'm faced with pictures you know how defense lawyers work, they're gonna try to make me loose it by showing me pictures of the place and by forcing me to look at him. I need to be prepared for that, please."

"Okay, I understand, I know there is no way stopping you, talk about it with Dr Isles and if give her approval I'll take you."

"Why do you need Maura's approval, I'm my own person, I can make my own decisions."

"Because we both now that Maura is the one who's going to hold your hand through it and who's going to sleep with you and hold you afterwards to keep you from having nightmares. She's the one who's going to have to deal with the emotional consequences that going back there might bring. So unless she agrees to go there with you, I won't take you."

"You're right, she's the one who's keeping me alive these days. She's my rock, she just takes so much without complaining. I wish I didn't have to put her through it, but I can't do this without her...I just can't."

"I know and no one is asking you to, she's strong and once the trial is over you'll be able to finally have the lives you deserve. Now go get her home and try to sleep okay?"

"Yes, thank you." Jane said holding her partner's hand.

As they were driving home Jane was wondering how to tell Maura that she wanted, that she needed to go back in that cave and that she needed her there too. She knew Maura was no fool and that she knew why she asked her to step out so she could ask Korsak, but she didn't know how to justify it to her.

As they entered into their house who was strangely clean and tidy after that monster broke in looking for information.

"Wow, I expected the place to be devastated, Ma must have come and clean."

"Yes, she told me she cleaned everything one the investigators were done, look I need some sleep, don't forget the alarm."Maura replied walking towards their bedroom.

"Maura, wait. I'm sorry." Jane said grabbing her girlfriend's arm.

"You know you didn't have to do that." Maura said bitterness in her voice and despite in her eyes.

"Do what?"

"Ask me to leave so you could be alone with Detective Korsak and ask him to take you there."

"I' m sorry, I just knew you would object."

"Of course I would have. Why would you even put yourself through this?"

"Because I need to, I need to face this place just like I need to face him in court. Looking the other way won't help me ."

"Have you even considered the consequences?Have you thought of what would happened afterwards?Because I have, I know that I'm going to have to hold you at nights for days, to help you sleep and keep the nightmare away. I know that you probably won't be able to talk to me or to look at me or to let me touch you."

"I know it's going to be hard but I need to do this and I need you there with me, you know I can't do this without you."

"I'm tired Jane, I love you and I want to help you but I don't know how much more pain I can handle, I'm sorry."Maura said running her trembling hair through her hair.

"Maura..."

"No, don't say a word, I'll come with you tomorrow and I'll support you during the trial, but after that... I don't know." Maura said pushing Jane away before locking herself in their bedroom.

For the first time Jane saw in Maura's eyes that she wanted to give up, that she couldn't take the pain anymore. For the first time she saw how broken Maura was and that she was loosing her and for what purpose?So she could go back in that cave and face him to show everyone she was strong and that she wasn't a victim?For years her pride kept her from being with Maura and now it was the same pride that was making her act like that and that was going to make Maura leave her. Thinking about it Jane didn't need to go there or to face him. She had put him down already so it wasn't essential to her recovery, she was doing it to regain the pride she had lost and that was costing her the most important person in her life.

That night Maura went to bed alone and cried herself to sleep. For the past 4 months she had given Jane everything she had, her love, her support, her patience, her body but she couldn't give anymore. She knew Jane wasn't hurting her on purpose but she couldn't take the pain anymore. She couldn't let Jane destroy what was left of their relationship and she knew that if she didn't start thinking about herself and draw the line somewhere their relationship wouldn't survive. For the first time Maura started to think that her love might not be enough for Jane, that what ever she was willing to put herself through it might not be enough. She loved Jane but wasn't willing to sacrifice herself , especially if they weren't even going to make it. As terrible and selfish as it sounded Jane needed to make a choice, and to stop listening to her pride and realize that it was okay for her not to control everything and that surviving all this already made her the strongest person Maura ever met, that she didn't need to put them through more pain to prove herself to her.

**I know guys, that was depressing...God, I didn't expect that...I guess I'm a bit depressed today and I express it in my writing... So What choice is Jane gonna make?Is she gonna listen to her pride and go back in that cave and face him in a trial?Or is she gonna put this behind her ?Is Maura gonna support her either way?Is their love gonna survive?So many questions...don't worry happy times are coming ;)**


	30. Jane's choice

**Chapter 30:**

**Jane's choice.**

After spending the night in the guest room again looking at the ceiling trying to make a decision Jane finally got up and walked towards Maura's bedroom .

Taking a deep breath closing her eyes she tried to calm herself down and focus on what was important: Maura, she couldn't continue hurting her like that.

"May I come in?"Jane shyly asked her head half way through the door.

"Sure." Maura replied without even looking at her.

When she stepped into the room Maura was sitting on their bed, fixing her hair, God that woman was gorgeous.

"I spent the entire night thinking about it and I made my decision." Jane explained sitting right next to her.

"Alright, I'm listening."

"I'm going to ask the DA to plead him out and to offer him 25 years instead of a life sentence in exchange for his confession so I won't have to testify in court."

"Why would you do that?"

"Because you were right, I don't need a trial to prove to myself that I'm not his victim anymore. I faced him and I won, he doesn't control me anymore and I don't need to face him in open court to feel free of his grip."

"But 25 years doesn't seem enough for what he did to you."

"I know but trust me he won't see the end of the first decade, rapists don't last in prison so having him been sentenced to 25 years or life won't change anything."

"Do you think he's going to accept?"

"I think the idea of being free some day will be more important to him than torturing me in open court. I'm sorry Maura I let my pride got the best of me. I wanted to prove to you and to the others that I was strong and that I wasn't a victim by going back in that cave and facing a trial, but you were right I survived and I put him down, that makes me strong. I have nothing to prove to anyone."

"I'm glad you realize it, you're the strongest person I know. I for instance would have never survived it. Don't ever doubt that every one admires you and no one sees you as a victim especially after you faced him."

"I know, I'm sorry for hurting you so much because of my pride. I want to put this behind us now not in several months after an excruciating trial. I don't want to put you and my family through this. I want us to have a normal relationship please believe me."

"You hurt me Jane, I know it wasn't your intention but you did both physically and emotionally."

"I'm sorry I'll do anything, just don't give up on me now. Please."

"You know I love you and I endured more than I thought myself capable of. I know you're hurt and that you need time to heal and I'm willing to stand by you but things need to change."

"Tell me, I'll do anything."

"First I would like you to move in with me officially, to give your keys back to your landlord and to bring all your belongings with you. No more sleeping in the guest room. I want us to be a normal couple like we were when while in vacation."

"Okay, I get it, you're tired of living like a vampire, trapped in your own house and so am I. I think it's time for me to face the real world…"

"I won't pressure you if you're not ready."

"I'm ready, I told you I want us to move on and to start living our lives. I want to be a real girlfriend, I want to be able to take you out in a nice restaurant to take you for a walk in the park, like you said everything we did while on vacations."

"Good, and when the time comes I would like to go back to work. I know you're not ready but I'm ready and I need to, I hope you understand."

"I understand and even if I'm glad to have you home with me you need to be in contact with other people."

So later that day Jane and Maura went to the DA's office and ask him to plead the monster who Jane out. At first he didn't understand, he thought that a cop like Jane would want him behind bars for the rest of his life. But hearing Jane talking on how much she had already hurt her family and the woman she loved the DA understood that she didn't want to put them through this. He also understood that a trial wouldn't bring any more peace to Maura and Jane, that knowing she had the courage to face him when he came into their house was enough to give her the closure she needed. He was also amazed Maura's unconditional love and support, knowing that her attitude was probably why Jane was so strong today and was willing to move forward. The DA had thing many cases like Jane's and most of the time if the victims survive their lives is ruined because no one seems to be able to give them what they need to help them recover. But here he had the feeling that Maura was exactly what Jane needed and that with time, both of them would be alright.

Later that day, Jane took Maura to a nice little chinese restaurant. For the first time she sat in a public place with eyes around her looking at her, but she didn't care. She knew this nightmare was finally over, that the monster who had tortured and raped her was finally behind bars. Jane and Maura finally had closure all they needed now was to focus on their relationship, to make it stronger to try to have a normal romantic and somehow being here in that restaurant enjoying a nice meal both Maura and Jane knew that was finally possible.

**So guys for the first time I'm actually starting to see the end of this story. I still have a few chapters in my mind but I won't drag it for another 20 chapter, stay tuned the end is gonna be amazing and next chapter will blow your mind!**

**I know this chapter sucked, but not really inspired today, not to mention I feel you're loosing your interest in that story...**


	31. Trust

**The next chapter will most likely be the last one . In the mean time I hope you enjoy this one.**

**Im reuploading it, please send me some reviews and expectations for the very last chapter!**

**Chapter 31:**

**Trust :**

Right after their romantic dinner Jane and Maura went straight to bed exhausted. Lying in bed on their sides facing each other Jane's hand on Maura's hips both women were trying to realize what had happened today. Not only they had met the DA and Jane had asked him to plead Butler out but they also went to their favorite restaurant for the first time since Jane was abducted. Maura knew that facing the public's eyes was one of Jane's biggest fear, feeling the pity, the judgmental look of people who always considered her as a hero was humiliating for Jane, for she faced them anyway, for Maura and she was appreciative of the effort.

"What are you thinking about?" Jane asked wandering her fingers on Maura's arms sliding closer to her.

"I was thinking that I'm very proud of you, going into that restaurant must have been hard but you did it."

"It was hard for my pride, I didn't want to face the public's eyes because I couldn't stand the idea of them seeing me as a victim. You helped me realize that what other people think doesn't matter. What matters is that I know I'm not a victim and that the woman I love doesn't think I'm one either." Jane muttered sliding her hand under Maura's top.

Feeling Jane's cold fingers on her Maura felt immediately uncomfortable . She remembered the last time Jane's hands were on her. She remembered how much it hurt, both physically and emotionally and was more than reluctant to let her touch her again.

"Of course not. I think I should try to wash my hair, that curry odor doesn't seem to fade away is unsettling." Maura mumbled gently pushing Jane away.

"I think it's very sexy that you smell like indian food, actually it makes me want to eat you." Jane said a corner smile on her face as she climbed on top on Maura pressing her the entire weight of her body on her making it impossible of Maura to even move.

Feeling Jane's body on her, unable to move, Maura couldn't breath, she felt her heart hammering her chest and her hands trembling.

"Jane, no!Please don't." Maura pleaded pushing Jane away as hard as she could.

"Gee Maura, I'm so sorry…I…I wasn't going to hurt you." Jane apologized as she saw she terror in Maura's eyes.

"I'm sorry, I know you have needs but I can't, it hurt too much last time." Maura said sitting leaning against the board of their bed her legs lift up against her chest, the blanket pulled up all the way up to her shoulder.

"I know baby, I'm so so sorry. I…don't know what happened, after shooting him and beating him up, I felt so lost and tensed I felt the need to relieve that tension. It was wrong of me to use you for that purpose." Jane said trying to re establish physical contact with Maura.

"I know but it's more than that. The way you….it was about control. You wanted to control, to possess me the way he controlled and possessed you to prove you were in charge ."

"I know, for the past 4 months I felt out of control, that's why I had all that anger and I felt compelled to control you. Now things are different I realized it wasn't about control but pride. You're right I was trying to control everything to show to the world I wasn't a victim. I don't feel like that anymore, that's why I asked the DA to plead the bastard out and that I chose not to go back in that cave."

"I know, but I feel that every time we take one step forward we take two steps backwards at the same time."

"Okay. I understand you don't trust me and I can'y blame you for that. "

"I'm sorry." Maura muttered letting her guard down as she grabbed Jane's hand and started kissing it.

"I know…"Jane said turning around to grab Maura's silk robe taking the belt off.

" Jane, what are you doing?"

"You're going to tie me up with this." Jane said handing the silk belt to her.

"You can't be serious."

"I am. You don't trust me enough to make love to you because you're scared I might you be too rough on you and I'm sure you don't want to try to make love to me because you're scared that I might have a flashback like last time and turn into the incredible Hulk. So you're going to tie me up so I won't be able to move."

"I can't do that Jane…"

"Yes you can. If I'm unable to move you will feel safe."

"I don't want to feel safe because you're physically restrained. I want to feel safe because I trust you not to hurt me."

"Well, you don't trust me and I don't know what to do to make you trust me. I…I just want you to see what I'm willing to do."

"I'm touched, but I won't restrain you like he did ."

"It won't be the same. You're not him, I know you won't hurt me, I trust you."

"Once again I'm flattered you trust me but I can't do that. Restraining you isn't the solution…"

"No, maybe…maybe I need for you to take charge like you did last when you gave me this ultimatum. You called me on my shit and forced me to make the right decision, to stop being such a jerk and to trust you and to believe in us instead of listening to my pride."

"I suppose we can try, but if I feel the smallest bit of discomfort, I'll stop." Maura sighed finally giving up .

"Okay…I love you baby, thank you for doing this." Jane said kissing her forehead.

"You're welcome, so how do you want to do this?"

"Here's take this and just tie my hands to the bed." Jane instructed as she positioned herself on her back her hands above her heads.

"Okay." Maura sighed .

As she sat on top of Jane tying her hands up with the silk belt of her night robe Maura couldn't even look at Jane. As the tied the soft fabric around her girlfriend's wrists linking them to the structure or the bed Maura's heart broke a little bit. She didn't know if Jane was doing this like she said to make her feel safe, to prove to her that she wasn't a danger anymore and because she needed her to take charge or because she wanted her to punish her for hurting her.

Yes Maura was scared that this was just a way for Jane to have her punish her or to get even for hurting her the last time they had sex and she was praying that she doesn't ask her to get rough on her.

When she was confident it wasn't to tight Maura looked down at Jane and saw how calm she was, and how much she trusted and loved her.

"Don't worry, it doesn't hurt." Jane smiled.

"Good." Maura said as she started to kiss her .

"If you don't want to do this …"

"No, I do, I have been dying to taste you for years." Maura teased kissing Jane's chin.

"Fantasizing on me Dr Isles?"

"Yes Detective, must be the gun and the badge, it's so sexy…" Maura continued as she dragged her tongue on Jane's chest.

Feeling Maura's tongue on her chest and her fingers on her Jane slowly started to relax. She knew Maura would never hurt her and that she was going to be gentle and loving, just the way she needed it to be just with a touch of control to reassure her that she had everything under control. Jane was so lost that she needed Maura to take the lead on this. So that night in the intimacy of their bedroom Maura gave Jane what she wanted, she made love to her while she was tied up to the bed. At first Maura's heart was broken, she didn't want to do this, she didn't want to be like that monster, but soon enough she realized that it was wasn't the same thing. She didn't tie her up to control her, but actually to allow her to loose control and to completely trust her to pleasure her and she did. Unlike the first time Maura tried to touch her Jane didn't flinch, she trusted her completely, not because she was tied up but because she was in a different state of mind.

So that night Jane closed her eyes and let Maura taste her for hours until she couldn't take it anymore and finally literally blew up at her face.

Even she felt that Jane trusted her and was relaxed Maura didn't try to penetrate her with her fingers. She didn't know if the vaginal tearing Jane had suffered from had healed and she didn't want to hurt her. Even if that love making session started a bit reluctantly from her part Maura slowly started to relax and to give Jane what she wanted thinking that Jane's ideas was actually helpful , that being restrained helped Jane to liberate herself and to put her trust in her.

That night the two women fell asleep in each other's arms, amazed at the progress they have made. Jane didn't have any flash back or sudden desire to control Maura, she just gave herself to her completely and trusted her. Maura on her part started to believe that Jane might have made some real progress this time and was hoping, praying that Jane wouldn't feel the need to be tied up for ever. She was hoping that Jane asked her to do it to make her feel safe not because she wanted to be punished.

**I know guys I suck, the idea was good and it makes sense that Jane would like Maura to punish her or to take control over her or just to tie her up to make her feel safe but it was poorly written, my apologies.**


	32. Epilogue

**Well guys this story has come to and end. I know that I could have continued to torture them longer but I feel it's time for me to end this story. Obviously I won't end it with a total happy ending cause I want to keep realistic but don't worry our ladies are gonna be just fine. Thank you for all the review and support, this story has been painful to write but I learned a lot both a person and as an author!**

**Chapter 32:**

**Epilogue.**

Lying in bed after taking that new step in they relationship Jane and Maura started thinking about the past few months.

They had literally been through hell over the past 5 months they. They had lost a lot but also gained a lot.

When Jane was found and Maura read the medical report she thought that as strong as Jane was that she would never recover. The more the weeks passed and the more Jane revealed the more Maura was convinced that there was no coming back from that place where Jane had been trapped by that monster. Fortunately Jane proved her wrong. She fought like a tiger to regain control of her life, her body and her emotions. Thinking about it Maura knew that she has been Jane's main motivation since the first day she was released form the hospital. She knew that every effort and progress Jane ever made was for her because of her and she was proud of that. What happened to Jane was the result of the worse a human being was capable of but her recovery was the result of the best . Loving Jane, standing by her side Maura proved that love was far more powerful than hate.

Both Maura and Jane had suffered through that recovery. Jane had suffered both psychologically and physically. When she came out of the hospital she could barely sit or used the bathroom without being in excruciating pain, not to mention she had lacerations she had all over her body. But the worse was the emotional pain. Every night for weeks she had vivid nightmares of what had happened to her , of what that monsters had done to her. She could almost feel him on top of her, inside her and every time she opened up to Maura or to her therapist she felt like she was getting raped again. At first she opened up because she thought that's what Maura wanted, that she needed to know what happened to her. But with time she started to truly have the desire to rebuild her life and to heal both physically and emotionally. From that moment Jane showed a determination that Maura had rarely seen, always pushing her limits, always taking the next step faster and further than the previous one.

Unfortunately even if she made terrific progress Jane often fell backwards and Maura was the one paying for it every time. Every time Jane deviated from her recovery, every time she lost it she expressed it physically and Maura always ended up paying for it. But Maura stayed by her side days and night, she stayed with her after she punched her while having the nightmare the first night after being released from the hospital. She stayed with her when she jumped at her throat after hiding in that closet because she called her the wrong nickname. She stayed with her when she almost broke her nose and she didn't leave her when she made love to her so violently that it hurt physically for an entire day afterwards. Yes it was fair to say that Maura had suffered as much as Jane both emotionally and physically. But all the pain and suffering they put each other through was worth it. Now even if Jane wasn't and probably would never be 100 % healed they both believed that with Maura by her side she would get a little better every day.

Maura knew that they would never have a normal life, that it would take time for Jane to be capable of making love to her normally without feeling the need to be rough her and she also knew it would take her time to trust her not to be rude. Maura also realized that Jane might never want to have a child but she didn't care. When Jane was missing all she could think about was finding her and telling her how much she loved her. She spent 3 weeks beating herself up for not having the guts to tell her about her feelings. Now as broken and damaged as they both were, they were together and no one could take their love away and it all that mattered. They knew that no matter what challenge life would bring their way they would fight it and win, that as long as they stayed together they could overcome everything, even if it meant loosing a bit as themselves every time.

That night bot women fall asleep that they might never have a traditional or normal relationship and that they had to make the most of what they had and what they had was something most humans dream about their entire life : Love and that was the most precious gift life had given them.

**Thanks again for the support I hope I didn't disappoint you on this ending. I started a new story called" the end of the world" It's nothing like anything you ever read here it's a post apocalypse story and it's great!Check it out!**


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